I (28y/M) am friends with Tiff (28y/F) and roommates with Tony (29y/M). They are ex-friends however, I am still close with both of them. Tony has been living with me for a little over a year now after his divorce however we have all been friends for nearly 3 years. Tiff and Tony stopped being friends a little under a year ago. Tiff and I were there for Tony through the whole process. In the months after his divorce Tiff and Tony began fighting a lot. I believe it was because they were in love with each other but to afraid to admit it but still chose to cross the friend boundaries by hooking up. The final straw to end their friendship was when Tony began blaming his divorce on Tiff. Tony was also upset that Tiff would refuse to “go to therapy for him to save their friendship” basically wanting to do couple’s therapy. They ended their friendship and have gone no contact since. Respecting their space I avoided having Tiff over for a few months for Tony’s comfortability. Eventually I decided enough time has passed and came to an agreement with Tony that I would warn him whenever Tiff was coming over so he could mentally prepare.
Fast forward my birthday. I decided I just wanted to have a few friends over for drinks and a game night which I planned the night before. I invited Tony his new GF Tiff my other roommate (Colin) and one of our other mutual friends. I warned Tony that I was having people over inviting him and GF to join us that Tiff would be invited. He immediately declined the invite and the next morning he packed up bags to go stay the night at GF place. The night was great and still a lot of fun him not being there but I was trying to respect his boundaries.
The next day Tiff messaged me asking if she left her water bottle and if she could come pick it up. Tony wasn’t home and I didn’t think much of it. Tony ended up coming home about 5 minutes before Tiff arrived to pick up her bottle. As Tiff was getting out of her car Tony was in his room and happened to she her out the window. Tiff came in got her water bottle and then left within 5 minutes. Colin then came home and asked if I wanted to go outside as he smoked I said sure and joined him. While outside Tony came downstairs and began doing dishes. Colin noticed that Tony was giving me a death glare. After Colin finished smoking we went back inside and there was obvious tension. Colin made a joke asking why he was so grumpy and Tony responded “I don’t know why would I be grumpy” while looking at me. This then started a small argument of him being mad I didn’t warn him she was coming over and me explaining that she was only her for 2 seconds and I didn’t know he would be home.
I always make a point to warn him when she is coming over to hang out but with this situation I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal. This animosity is also so one-sided. Tiff doesn’t care if Tony is around and doesn’t require any of our friends to warn her when he is invited to functions. So am I the asshole?
Tony is not over Tiff.
NTA. Tony is being unreasonable thinking he can avoid ever seeing Tiff again and making it everyone else’s responsibility to shield him from having even incidental contact with her.
According to your story, she didn’t abuse him or betray him in a way that would make interacting with her potentially harmful for him, something that would justify asking his friends to protect him from her to this degree. They just had an awkward breakup.
He needs to be an adult and take responsibility for his own feelings. He can walk out of the room when she comes in. He can get his own apartment so he doesn’t have to worry about other people in his personal space. But, better still, he can accept that falling out with someone doesn’t mean you can’t be cordial with them, especially if you share mutual friends.
Yeah exactly. Like if there was abuse involved I wouldn’t 100% get it and reconsider my friendship with Tiff; however, there wasn’t. Prior to Tony even moving in with me, he knows that Tiff would come over quite frequently for hang outs and pool nights, so like should expect this to still happen since she is still my friend. The weird thing to me is that as far as I know, I’m the only friend who needs to provide this warning, granted I don’t know how much their social circles overlap outside of me and a select few other coworkers.
NTA Tony is being immature. You were right to let him know when tiff was coming over for an extended period of time, but since it was like just 5 minutes for her to pick something up, I understand why you didn’t warn him.
NTA. Tony needs to grow up.
Tony is a big baby. He saw his ex briefly. He needs to get over that shit. She isn’t coming back and he needs to pull on his big boy pants and grow up finally. Child ist, what must his current GF think?
NTA
As far as I know, his GF is indifferent? She never says anything about it, she seems to have no issue with her being around? The last time Tiff came over, Sara came downstairs to heat up Tony’s hot chocolate for him and actually had conversations with us.
Sarah also used to work with all of us as well during an internship so she knew Tiff prior to the relationship and met Tony prior to the divorce.
Also, reminder it’s not even his ex-wife or an ex-girlfriend. It’s just his ex-friend. I know when I vented to my brother about this he through they were dating and thought Tiff was the one asking for the couples therapy and was shocked when I told him no it was Tony and they were never dating.
NTA
She didn’t even stay, she was there for 5 minutes. Tony needs to get over himself. I understand why Tiff ended the friendship, because he didn’t respect her boundaries and refused to take personal responsibility. He chose to blame her fir his problems.
This is a non-story. Seriously? NTA.
YTA
A quick text to warn him would have been the move. Is Tony being immature? I think so. You did, however, agree to warn him. If you don’t want to have to report your and her every move, negotiate a different deal.
Tony couldn’t handle Tiff stopping buy to pick up a water bottle? Is he 5? NTA.
NTA. Tony needs to grow up. If seeing an ex-friend causes this much anxiety, an underlying issue is present. OP you are human, don’t be too hard on yourself.