AMITA for not liking my sister in law who has cancer?? I’m mid-20s (F) and have been with my husband (early 30s/M) for about 6 years. His sister, 10 years older than me, has been toxic from almost day one.
Context on his sister’s illness. she had cancer about 10 years ago, fully recovered and now from what we hear, it’s back.
Six months into our relationship, I took her out to get our nails done (I even paid). Shortly after, she unadded me on social media, ignored me at family gatherings, and completely shut me out.
A little down the road, my now husband and I had tickets to a Morgan wallen concert. His sister reached out to him and requested he take her as his date to the concert instead of me. He said no and set a boundary that she needs to respect me as his partner/girlfriend/etc.
Then came my husbands drinking problems. When he got really drunk, he said awful things to me and would wake up and have no memory of it. After a while of this happening I really put my foot down. I couldn’t live like this. I told him so. He voluntarily gave up drinking alcohol and started therapy and anger management classes. Which I am grateful for! When his sister found out, she got angry at me. Saying I was selfish and I was actually the one with issues or else why would her brother say those things unless i deserved it. My husband defended me but the tension from her never has gone away.
Fast forward: 5 ish years. My husband and I are married. And we have a beautiful little girl. His sister planned her wedding a week before ours, taking all family help away from ours. She knew our wedding date long before she got engaged. She didn’t come to our wedding and we didn’t go to hers.
And now, her cancer is back. Part of me feels compassion for her illness, but another part of me remembers the years of hurt, manipulation, and disrespect. I don’t feel guilty for not liking her, but I am worried about how this will affect my marriage.
How can I balance this? Speak for myself but also be graceful through this? 🫠
This isn’t really an AITA post, but – support \*your husband\*. Be there for \*him\* as he deals with his sister. Don’t engage with her more than necessary.
NTA. But you must never, even under torture, admit how you feel. Just support hubby . And let him grieve, even if you DGAF that she had cancer again. Just say “I hate the fact that anyone has to go through that.” Also “She beat it once, I believe she can beat it again.” When pressed about your feelings “I have never been really close to her. I feel really bad for her. I just want to support you (whomever asked).”
NTA. It’s better to distance yourself from toxic people, and your feelings now are completely valid. Don’t let yourself suffer over this.
NTA but don’t ever say anything negative about her out loud. No matter how justified you will only wind up being that B who said things about a potentially dying cancer patient. Let your thing be you’re an endlessly supportive wife.
Having compassion for an awful person says so much about you. I would definitely keep the boundaries you have placed.
NTA – I am frankly more worried about your husband’s abusive behavior than his sister being carry. But you certainly have no obligation to be kind to her after how she’s behaved
Your husband’s family member getting cancer isn’t about you. As of now, you really don’t need to speak for yourself. All you need to do is support your husband in whatever grief he feels.
NTA for any emotions you have, but don’t make your dislike your husband’s problem.
If your husband and his sister didn’t even go to each other’s weddings, I doubt that he’ll be super involved in her care, so you likely won’t have to do anything but keep your mouth shut about your disdain for this woman.
You can be polite and show compassion to her without letting her into your life as a close friend. She is not your friend but she doesn’t have to be an enemy. If your husband wants to be in her life, that’s his choice but you shouldn’t feel obligated to put up with her toxic bullshit because she’s sick.
schadenfreude is a great word.
You can have compassion and boundaries. What’s the issue??
She may not have long, when cancer “comes back” it’s usually very aggressive. Try to forget the past. At least let your husband and in-laws think you have.
NTA. Continue doing what you have been doing the past few years, which I assume is ignoring her at events.
NTA. Cancer doesnt make her a better person. Life is too short for toxic people. And shes still toxic.