Last night I (33M) found out my wife (34F) threw away the Hot Wheels me and my son used to play with together, along with the toy basket they were in. For context: my son passed away about five years ago now due to complications with COVID. We have been through a lot since then, I have always been the sentimental type to keep old things our son has. My wife is more of practical type, not that she doesn’t experience emotions, but she definitely tries to move on rather than dwell on things during times of grief, which is something I admire about her.
A few days ago I noticed that our son’s Hot Wheels and toy basket, something that we had kept around since he passed, was gone. I didn’t want to bring it up with her right then because I thought that maybe she just moved it or something.
Yesterday night we got a little drunk together and offhandedly, I asked her about the basket and our son’s toys. She said that she was just doing some cleaning and “decided to get rid of them.” I said that didn’t make any sense, that those toys and his basket meant a lot to us, and she said that it was hard for her to keep looking at them.
I got (imo reasonably) upset about this, and asked why she didn’t consider my thoughts in the decision. She didn’t say anything. I admittedly lost my cool and got probably more worked up than I needed to be. We were both drunk, and so when I woke up this morning, I didn’t really remember a lot of what I said. I’ve tried to bring it up to her, but she won’t talk or even look at me now. I feel like I’m being judged for still grieving my kid and that doesn’t feel right to me.
Pretty hard to judge with the way you’ve conveniently forgotten what you actually said to her, this is sounding a lot like an ESH without knowing where you went between 0 and 100
It doesn’t matter what he said. She’s an asshole for throwing them out when she knew what they meant to him.
Like I said to the other guy, two wrongs don’t make a right. Just because she tossed the toys doesn’t mean he wasn’t also an asshole. They’re not mutually exclusive
NAH- I am so sorry for your loss. You both must be in so much pain. I think you need to find out what you said when drunk and hurt. I’m guessing it was pretty harsh if she can’t even look at you now.
Best of luck- I hope you two can talk it out. You’ve been through enough.
She shouldn’t have thrown away the toys. It’s not just her decision to make. If she didn’t want to look at them she could have put them some place out of sight.
That said, her throwing away the toys isn’t a free-for-all excuse for you to hurl abusive language at your wife. Since we don’t know what you said or what your tone was, it’s impossible to say whether or not you were TA.
INFO: You really need to find out what you said. You aren’t an asshole to want to keep something of your son with you, but it is a Major Concern that you were so drunk you do not remember what you said to your wife about it, or how you behaved. We don’t know what kind of a drunk you are. Did you say something heinous? Did you get physically aggressive? You remember enough to know you got “probably more worked up than you needed to be.” *Bro, what does that mean?* We just don’t know, and if YOU really don’t know then I think you are the asshole if you don’t try to find out.
He remembers…
My guess is he is too embarrassed to share what he said…. probably something about her not loving their son or being a bad mother given the context
INFO:
Have you ever explicitly expressed a desire to hold onto these items as mementos?
Also – does the household cleaning/organizing always fall to her (and does she ever have to consult with you on other cleaning events)?
And finally: what does “admittedly lost my cool” mean? How did you express yourself in this conversation during this period where you “lost your cool”?
I’m leaning towards NAH. Here are my assumptions: You want to hold onto things as mementos, but have maybe never verbalized it in such a way. She looks at the same items and they evoke painful memories and grief. Neither of you are an AH there. But given that household cleaning/organizing seems to disproportionately fall on female partners, and there’s frequently little (if any) participation from their male counterparts – I can see really easily how this would happen, especially if you never explicitly stated your wishes (or you had a conversation about these items ahead of time).
You’re grieving. She’s grieving. Neither of you are AHs for that. You’re not thinking of her grief in your actions. She’s not thinking of your grief in her actions. So if one person is an AH, everyone is – but I think, given the complexities and the horrific circumstances…neither of you are AHs here. You’re just two hurting people, trying to find ways to assuage that hurt, without realizing you’re hurting each other in the process.
ESH. The dead boy is *YOUR* son and not “our” son or “her” son?
When I first read the title, I thought he was her step son.
She sucks for tossing them out without telling you. She could have just packed it up somewhere. But also, she’s still dealing with her grief as well.
Seems you two both are.
I’d suggest couples counseling because you two have wildly divergent ways of dealing with grief and it will blow up.
OP calls him ‘my son’ four times, and ‘our son’ three times. When talking about him and his son only he uses ‘my’, when the story involves his wife he uses ‘our’.
Normal use of language, really.
Man, if there’s ever a “get thee to therapy” question that doesn’t belong here, it’s this one. I hope you guys get the help you need.
NAH.
> I feel like I’m being judged for still grieving my kid.
I get that, but I don’t think that’s necessarily an accurate view of the situation.
> She said that it was hard for her to keep looking at them.
This is grief talking. She is still grieving, too, and you are grieving differently. That’s okay! It’s hard to navigate, but it is natural.
I think you and her need to sit down, perhaps with a grief counselor, and talk about what grieving looks like right now for each of you, and how to reconcile that.
If you need to keep momentos and she needs them out of sight, then your compromise is that you become in charge of caring for and maintaining them and that you find a new spot where they can be taken out and put away whenever you like.
What you both need to come to understand is that you cannot allow your grief to dictate the other person’s grief, and that means more communication to navigate that process. It wasn’t fair for her to throw them away without discussing it with you, and discussions like that need to be the standard moving forward.
Yeah I can absolutely understand why op would be pissed about this but he almost seems to talk about the situation as if she’s not also grieving the loss of their son. This is obviously a difficult time for both of you but her not wanting to be reminded of who was lost constantly isn’t any more or less important than you wanting those reminders. Maybe I’m reading too much into it I know op says he feels judged for how he’s grieving but it kinda sounds to me like he’s judging her a bit too for how “fast” she’s moving on.