First time poster. Don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My family and friends love my husband and I’m afraid if I’m honest about the situation they will change their opinions of him. He is a good man, and amazing father/uncle/son but he is battling with holding a boundary that we set together to remove his toxic brother from our home. My mental health is in a bad place because of all of this, making me second guess my own heart and head and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable or justified in my boundary.
My brother in law has a history of lying, stealing, manipulating, criminal history and I have cut off any and all contact with him for years. He’s recently homeless for probably the 5th time in ten years due to issues with landlords, money, situations he put himself in etc.
His son (he gave up for adoption 15 years ago) and my two young children live with us. I caved and let him stay with us for a “week” in the past which ended up with him not leaving for over a month and caused huge issues for our household. After we finally got him out, my husband promised it would never happen again.
Now I’m being pressured by my mother in law and husband to let him move back in until he gets on his feet but I have been very clear I’m not okay with that, but it keeps being brought up with added pressure and guilt.
He would be coming with himself, his girlfriend, her 17 year old daughter and their dog. I barely know these people, only met briefly. I don’t want them on the streets but bringing them into our home would disrupt everything, especially being we homeschool our children in this home. During the days it’s peaceful and calm, in the evenings when my husband, mother in law and nephew are home we have family dinners and quality time. We would go from 6 people to 9 living in one house and I would completely lose access to my basement fridge/freezer and kids play areas.
AITA for not destroying my peace and compromising the boundaries to give my mother in law and brother in law what they want? (Making me the bad guy)
Does my husband need to stand up to his brother and Mom and set the same boundaries to protect our family and household?
Am I being unreasonable or selfish?? Do I need to put my feelings aside and allow them to move into our house? (With the understanding that a couple weeks could easily turn into a couple months again)
NTA. The “lying, stealing, manipulating, criminal history” seals the deal.
NTA and absolutely not! He steals, has a criminal record, and you know nothing about what the GF or her daughter are like. They could be amazing people or they could be just like him. If your MIL wants to take care of him, they can move in with her or she can pay their rent for a new place.
>in the evenings when my husband, mother in law and nephew are home
Sounds like MIL is already living with them. Perhaps she should move out and find a place big enough for BIL to move in?
NTA
This is a hill to die on, and I would be quietly investigating options to immediately move yourself and the children out if your husband lets BIL and his hangers on move in.
This should be higher. It’s like their house is a people rescue. BIL’s kid, MIL along with her own family. Not saying you shouldn’t help those people, especially the son, MIL might need to learn her own lesson if she keeps pushing for BIL and his family to move in. BIL was given one chance. He can look into social programs to help het him on his feet.
NTA
MIL wants him to have a place to stay; she can fork out the cash to provide him with a temporary, month-to-month room or apartment or something until he can cover it himself, that’s not in your house. My SIL has caved in a similar situation as yours and what was supposed to be a temporary stay has become years. They even moved to another state with her FIL and BIL in tow, they were supposed to get jobs and find their own places within the first month. Neither one has bothered and she’s the only one who works and it is draining her both financially, mentally, and physically. Don’t be like my SIL, keep your sanity and marriage intact and stand firm.
NTA. I’m sorry but your husband is the problem here, not your BIL or your MIL.
He should stand up for you. You shouldn’t even be a part of the conversation with his family.