I have been married for 16 years and together for 22 years. At the start of my relationship, I was pretty engaged in my relationship with my mother-in-law. But after being with my husband for 22 years, I have learned she is a narcissist and manipulative.
She projects her feelings on everyone and doesn’t accept responsibility for her actions and wants people to do things for her. For example, she had bed bugs in her house for 2 years and didn’t tell us and would come to our house bringing bags, etc. When she finally confessed, she felt bad and embarrassed. I was sympathetic to her embarrassment. She said she would never come back to our house again and we were about to have our second baby. I never said she couldn’t come to our house in fact I called a pest control company to ask if they came to the hospital to see the baby would that be safe. They gave me instructions of what they needed to do, like put their clothes in the dryer before leaving etc. my husband told her and they didn’t do it and just opted to not come to see the baby.
She is loud and controlling and most people don’t hang around her. She is in poor health and lives alone. She should be in Assisted Living but she sits in her own filth.
I told my husband when I married him that I was not going to be his secretary and he needed to mange the relationship with his mother (meaning he initiates visits, her birthday gifts,etc). My mother has border line personality disorder and is also toxic and a lot to manage. I told him that I have enough to manage my mom.
At any rate, I often would pick up the ball when he dropped it in regards to his mother, birthdays, suggesting visits, etc. She wants me to take care of her and has repeatedly told me she wants a relationship with me and I am very hesitant. I try to keep my distance because my husband and his brother (a middle aged bachelor) would let me carry all responsibility. I am going to have to take care of my mother, I don’t want to take care of MIL.
After having two kids, a full time job and trying to go back to school, I don’t have the bandwidth to manage her and our relationship. Which she is disgusted with because she did it all for her mother in law.
He is taking the kids to visit her next weekend because today was her 80th birthday. I am not going to go – I don’t want to stay in her house. No bed bugs but it is disgusting. But I also don’t want to board our dogs because our budge is tight. I am not excited about my girls staying in her filthy house.
Am I being an asshole?
Question – have you set healthy boundaries that she has overstepped?
I just really don’t talk to her. If she texts me, I will text back, but stay polite and keep it short.
Before kids my parents invited us to Galveston (my dad was sick either cancer). When we spoke to her, she made passive aggressive comments about when we would go to the beach with them. I said if they invite us to the beach we will be happy to go.
I probably should say more but I detest being around her so much that I don’t say much.
IMO if you haven’t had the hard conversation and lay out the boundaries first then YTA. We can only do better when we know better and you haven’t given her a chance to know better or do better.
NTA, if you’re still cordial with her it doesn’t need to be more than that
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NTA. This sounds shockingly similar to my MIL when you describe her and her actions. I posted a few months ago regarding how our relationship ending. She very much expected me to have/chase a relationship with her, and she couldn’t stand that I didn’t. After a complete violation of safety regarding my first pregnancy we have been no contact. It has been so much easier on all of us. I think you’re best approach is what you are doing. Let husband have the relationship he chooses to have, but be clear you do not wish to have a relationship with her. She isn’t your mother; therefore, her behavior and actions are not your problem.
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Honestly it’s your husbands responsibility to look after his mother, not yours. If you’re able to help out, amazing. If not, then it’s not your fault.
That being said I do have a soft spot for old people 🥺 it’s not her fault she’s living in filth. If your husband and brother in law are unable to look after her, please look into getting her help. They should also keep in mind that what goes around comes around. That could be them in the future, so they should be a little merciful.
NTA. narcissists are hard to get along with (my bio mom is one and i can’t even talk to her anymore) and her not following simple advice to come and visit is wild to me. her generation also was raised that women are the caretakers so i am not surprised she expects you to do more. it is the husband and bils mom, and she is their responsibility. there is no reason for them to forget her birthday when it’s the same date every year and sending at minimum a card is actually super easy. you are not required to be emotional and physical caretaker for their mom with two of them, and only one of you, and when you already have your plate full being a working mom and caretaker to your own mother and going back to school. setting boundaries is healthy and important to keep you from hitting burn out. proud of you for going back to school!!
I went no contact with my narcissist MIL 6/7 years ago.
My husband has a relationship with her, he is her son. At the same time he also supports my decision to not be involved.