I am the exclusive grocery shopper in our home and cook most meals. I don’t usually eat a lot because I am on a weight loss medication and my appetite fluctuates. Last night we had bone in strip strays and salad for dinner. It was delicious but I could only eat half of my steak/salad and wrapped the rest up for dinner tonight. My SO ate all of his. I told him last night I was planning on eating it the following day and asked him to please not eat the steak. He said okay. We had a bunch of other leftovers in the fridge today, meatloaf with egg noodles (which he ate a huge plate of for dinner after eating a deep dish focaccia pizza) and there was also a half of a family size chicken pot pie in fridge… plus a ton of other random things in there. I hadn’t eaten all day and I finally started to get hungry around 10pm and told him I was going to eat my steak and salad. He said if you don’t eat them by tomorrow, they are fair game. I agreed and said okay. 20 minutes later, he got up to go to bed I heard the fridge open and the rustle of tin foil. I asked what are you doing. He replied, “Having a bite of your steak”. I got upset because I had just asked him to save it for me (after all it was my leftovers from last night). When I got up to check out what was left, half of it was gone and almost nothing left for me. He said he had been taking bites of it all day. I got upset because I felt disrespected in addition to being disappointed that he had eaten the dinner I had been looking forward to all day. He couldn’t understand why I was so upset. He called me a psycho for being so bothered, said he would just go get me another steak tomorrow, there were other things I could eat, he knows I can’t eat much so he left what he thought was sufficient for my appetite… AITA for being upset about this? Honestly, it’s not as much about the food in and of itself… I’m more bothered that I asked him to please save it for me and he disregarded my request. It probably seems small and insignificant to many but to me it felt like a F you.
NTA. This is a red flag… you communicated a boundary and he tap danced all over it. Then when you called him out he gaslighted you and minimized your feelings. My narcissistic abusive ex used to do this. It started out with little boundary violations like this, him minimizing my feelings and eventually grew into emotional abuse. Keep an eye on this please.
NTA. This man doesn’t like you or respect you. Do with that information you will.
NTA he’s purposely disrespecting you. This wasn’t an accident, this was deliberate. He told you there were other things you could eat but those were the same options he had and he still chose YOUR food. I mean they would no longer be my S/O but at the very least I’d be making individuals portions for myself and not cooking for him at all
NTA
Your significant other should care when you ask to leave certain food items for yourself.
A partner who consistently does something like this shows a lack of concern and care. It’s not difficult to simply leave leftovers alone when you’ve asked him to.
The question(s) should be:
*If you can get another steak tomorrow, why couldn’t you leave this for me to eat when I asked you to?*
*Why do you **have** to eat this now when I was looking forward to it?*
*Why do your desires matter more than mine?*
My girl. Your husband does not respect you. This is not the way we treat people we care about. NTA. Husband is giant turd.
NTA
He’s doing it deliberately.
He knew you wanted it. You’d clearly communicated that.
Getting upset when he intentionally ignores what you’ve clearly requested doesn’t make you “psycho”.
Psycho is taking bites of someone else’s food all day and pretending you haven’t right up until you’re caught in the act, and then blaming the other person for being upset.
I agree. It’s deliberate.
OP deserves to be able to live without worrying if there’s anything to eat.
I have to wonder what exactly he contributes to the household?
NTA
This man doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t even like you.
This isn’t what love looks like. I think deep down, part of you knows that.
OP, I’m guessing you’re on a Glp1 med. It also sounds like your husband has his own issues with food. I would not be surprised if on some level, he’s punishing you for losing weight. He probably feels defensive, and wants to even the score in some way.
Let me be clear, I am not excusing his behavior whatsoever. If anything, I’m trying to highlight that this probably has multiple layers in which he’s trying to hurt you. He could be a big boy and talk about his feelings, but instead he wants to punish you and eat your food instead.
If you’re not active in glp1 subreddits, I suggest you check them out. Family members and spouses can get really weird about this medication. You also see this kind of behavior when someone tries to quit something addictive, and the other partner isn’t ready to quit yet. Crabs just trying to pull each other down in the bucket you know?
Either way, his behavior isn’t okay. Your boundaries deserve to be respected. You don’t deserve to be called names. This is not what love looks like.
You might end up losing a lot more weight than you thought, and the form of your SO. Best of luck to you.
I literally hate this man. NTA. He’s tormenting you for fun. GTFO
\>He called me a psycho for being so bothered, said he would just go get me another steak tomorrow, there were other things I could eat, he knows I can’t eat much so he left what he thought was sufficient for my appetite
NTA He had plenty of things to eat, but felt like steak so he rationalized away stealing yours. That’s the bottom line.
Ask him why he took your steak after you had asked him not to touch it when *he* had plenty of other things he could have eaten? He felt like steak, right? He didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to go buy himself another one, right? Well, you were looking forward to steak too and had your portion waiting for you. It wasn’t up to him to decide how much would satisfy you, and you had asked him not to touch it that night anyway. He had agreed. His behavior was selfish and he broke his word. He was disrespectful and inconsiderate to you. You being upset by that is not “psycho.” He owes you an apology.
NTA – this has nothing to do with the steak and everything to do with your husband 1) dismissing your feelings, 2) lying to you, 3) betraying your trust, 4) being a selfish ASSHAT, 5) deciding that he is more important than you, 6) not giving a shit whether or not you are happy, 7) specifically and purposefully bringing about conditions where he knows you will be unhappy, 8) threatening your happiness with his own desires.
He is an absolute loser.
NTA.
BUT:
1. Why are you still with him, if this is a pattern?
2. Why are you still with him, when he calls you names like “psycho” for simply asking him to respect your request for your leftovers?
3. Why are you still with him, when it’s obvious he doesn’t respect you?
4. Why are you still with him, when he said he’d left you “what he thought was sufficient for” your appetite?
5. Why are you still with him, when he makes it clear that HIS wishes will override yours at any time?
WHY?
Edit to add: NTA
He knows. He doesn’t care!!!
“My husband [34f/36m] says he doesn’t ‘see’ mess he leaves on the floor. I always end up having to pick it up. How do I make him see how this is affecting me?”
“My [24f] fiancé [38m] keeps grabbing my boobs randomly even though I’ve asked him to stop?”
“My [18f] bf [18m] yells at me and slams doors whenever we argue. I’ve told him so many times that I’m afraid of people yelling at me and I just shut down. How do I get him to understand that?”
HE UNDERSTANDS. HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE.
He can hear you. He has a job. He attended school. When he gets pulled over by a cop, he gets his license out. He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them. He simply *DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU;* he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. There isn’t a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you.
I honestly feel most women just don’t understand how much disdain men have for us, on average. As painful as it is, we absolutely MUST come to terms with the fact that *most* (yes I said most) men do not see or respect women as real people just like them, equal in value and humanity to themselves and their male buddies. Most. Meaning, it’s statistically likely the guy you’re dating views you on a continuum from benevolent sexism, to mild dehumanization, to callous indifference, to veiled contempt, to outright hatred.
Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” *does not mean those things are true*. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.
He knows. He simply doesn’t care. And staying with him prevents you from either finding a man who does care (they’re in the minority but they do exist), or being blissfully single and unencumbered by a shitty partner. You deserve better than banging your head against a wall trying to get him to see you as a full person. He won’t. It benefits him not to.
ETA: A lot of people (disproportionately men, I notice…) have replied with admonitions for not acknowledging the role neurodivergence plays in selective blindness. I am so clearly not talking about well-intentioned men with ADHD/Autism, that I almost don’t want to respond. But to be clear about the men I AM talking about, I’ll repost a comment I wrote below.
If neurodivergence were a factor [in this pattern of disrespect] in any way, both of the following would be true:
-These men would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful at work, school, with their friends, and with you at the beginning of the relationship before they get comfortable. That is not the case.
-Neurodivergent women would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful partners. That is not the case.
Neurodivergence has nothing to do with male entitlement, misogyny, and callous disregard for women. Neurodivergent men should be offended by this insinuation.