Me and my friend group have had weekly game nights every Wednesday for about the last 2 years. I moved to the city we all worked in mostly to not have to commute of an hour but also to be closer to my friends, a year ago. I also adopted a dog in that year. It wasn’t planned, I had zero interest in a dog, but I rescued a dog I met in the shelter when visiting with a client due to a deep soul bond and a horrifying story for her, I just couldn’t let her stay there. I also recently rescued a kitten because if I didn’t get him, he was going to be put out in the streets at 8 weeks old. (He’s 5 months now.)
Anyway, my friends absolutely refuse to let me host game night because they say it’s too far away (about 20-50 mins due to traveling in rush hour), however they expenct ME to make a 20-90 (45 on average) minute drive to them from my home for game night every week. I am the ONLY one in my friend group who is the solo, ONLY caretaker of a pet at home (everyone else either has a spouse, no pet at all, a roommate, or a significant other), not even counting the fact that this pet is a rescue dog with separation anxiety. Not to mention I asked them for approval BEFORE I ADOPTED THE DOG and no one raised any objections aside from cautioning me that adopting a dog is a big life change.
Still they refuse to let me host at all, not even once every month, or even every two months, I am, PERIOD, barred from hosting because I am "too far" and it’s a "space issue" (this is the biggest 1 bdr I could afford as a single earner in an expensive city and, in one of the most commonly used hosts bedrooms, I am forced to sit on the floor due to lack of space).
And they absolutely will not let me take my dog with me on game nights despite the fact that she is unbelievably friendly and loves all of them deeply.
I have not been attending game night much lately, and I explained to them repeatedly that I really don’t feel okay leaving my dog alone for 9.5 hours, letting her out to piss, and then locking her in a crate again until bedtime. Plus my job has me driving almost the entire day, going home just to immediately leave for an hour of rush hour traffic really takes it out of me. No one is sympathetic whatsoever and they either ignore me completely or make jokes about how I’m a flake and they never know if I’m coming or not.
If I leave this group I will have no more friends at all where I live. These people helped me move here and I’ve never had a friend group that accepted me before. I’m really hurt but they won’t listen to. Am I being dramatic? Should I just say whatever she’s just a dog, and go anyway? What should I say? I guess I just want vindication that I’m being reasonable in saying it’s really unfair to ask me to drive an hour for game night and leave my rescue dog at home in her crate for 90% of the day when I live alone!!
INFO= Are the rest of the people in this group located closer together and you are the outlier living further away?
ESH
1 – Your life choices to rescue animals is not their burden (you shouldn’t have asked THEM for some form of ‘approval’?). If your lifestyle doesn’t work well with animals, and sounded like an irresponsble decision (and you should stop visiting rescue shelters) then you either need to make sacrifices and accept you can’t ‘do it all’ or you surrender the pets to a home where they’re more of a priority.
2 – Their argument makes no sense that it’s too far to go to your place, but it’s also far for you to go there. It’s the same distance to the furthest away person, just different direction? Do the rest of them all live relatively close and you’re the outlier? They should, for ‘fair play’ allow there to be some rotation of host locations. But I can see their point that having let’s say 4 of them each travel 50 mins to get to you, rather than one person (you) drive 50 mins, but if they can’t see that YOU are the one sacrificing every week, then that’s not cool, and they’re the AH
Yeah, adopting a dog with separation anxiety when they work full-time outside of the home and want to maintain a social life was a poor choice on OP’s part.
NTA. Your friends refusing to accommodate you *at all* while expecting you to commute an hour every week and then mocking you for missing nights is unfair and one-sided. If they can’t meet you halfway, that says more about them than it does about you.
NTA
Dog aside, these people expect you to be the one always travelling to them and never reciprocate? Those are not your friends.
NTA, but I would take the dog out of the equation entirely and focus on the fact that your friends aren’t willing to travel to you even once in awhile but expect you to travel to them. Is anyone else barred from hosting because of space or distance? Is your place significantly smaller than ALL of theirs (not for the area but compared to theirs, where you mentioned you have to sit on the floor in at least one setup)? Was it like this BEFORE you got the dog as well? Did you notice it before or is it possible you were willing to overlook it to be able to participate?
If it’s ONLY you that’s barred from hosting and it otherwise rotates, maybe instead of all or nothing go once a month, to whoever is closest to you. If you bring this up with them again, leave the dog out of it – tell them that the fact that they joke about you not showing up when you’ve expressed that it’s too far for you to do every week is kind of crappy of them when they’re so unwilling to go closer to you. Mention if they bring up distance that there are situations where they’re just as far from each other. Maybe even ask if there’s some other reason aside from space that they won’t let you host, but if you do you have to be willing and ready to hear whatever they have to say (even if you might not like it or agree). If it IS just a space issue maybe you can look around for places near you that have board game hangout space, whether it’s a game store or a bar or tea place or whatnot – most of our scattered friend group has something like that nearby. And if they say that everyone else makes it with the sometimes large distance, you could mention that maybe it’s easier for them because they’re not handling all of the other aspects of their households by themselves, and that for you it just doesn’t work to drive that long every week – but that you’re willing to do once a month.
It sounds like you don’t want to lose this friend group. But if it’s less because it’s these friends specifically and more that you just don’t want to be without friends nearby, maybe it’s time to check out dog parks, trivia nights, or other casual activities closer to you so you don’t feel stuck with only people you don’t feel understand or prioritize you. People grow apart. None of this is all or nothing.
Did you ever host between moving and getting the dog?
My money is on them not wanting to go to your apartment for a reason other than distance.
NTA. These people aren’t actually your friends. If you genuinely can’t fit everyone around a table for game night, then maybe I could understand not being “allowed” to host, but it shouldn’t be you who always has to suck it up and drive to game night.
If you can afford a dog walker, you might consider having someone come and walk the dog on Wednesday evenings. They really shouldn’t be in a crate for 9.5 hours all day, either. That’s not enough exercise or socialization.
NAH
You have the right to put your new pet first and not be comfortable leaving them.
Your friends have the right to not be around a dog on their game nights.
You are missing a big point.
Just because you WANT to host, does not make it automatic that your friends want to come to your house.
They have stated there is an issue with size of your place. Understandably you have a place you can afford. Is it smaller than the other homes in your friend group? Is it cramped during get togethers? They may have other issues with your home that they don’t wish to bring up to avoid hurting your feelings. Some people just don’t like being around dogs.
Either way, the majority of your friends do not wish to attend events there.
Your choice is to try to make additional friends whose lifestyles are more inline with yours now or accept that you may have to leave your pet alone for your social events.
Try going to a dog park, meet other pet owners. Maybe look to have smaller events at your home.
Either way, your live has changed and time to expand your horizons to fit that.
Good luck.
INFO: How well behaved is the dog? Training? Potty trained 100%, no accidents? Does she bark a lot/is she loud? How big is she? Could your dog possibly be the reason they don’t want to go to your house?
Sounds to me like you need to make new friends that are local to you to hang out with. Or find someone close by that you are friendly with that likes your dog that won’t mind watching him on these nights. BTW you’ll be surprised. There are plenty of pet lovers out there that won’t commit to ownership due to their lifestyle but are happy help out on occasion.
Also are these guys really your friend not being willing to bend at all?
And lastly never ask to bring your dog to someone else’s place. Thats weird and a lot of people just don’t care for animals.
INFO: 9.5 hours? One hour or two for travel that’s still 7.5 hours. Why are you guys gaming so long? I used to play tabletop games with my friends and we would realistically play maybe 4-5 hours. Which, I have left my dog alone for that long for other reasons and he has been fine.
ESH
Your friends, for being inflexible and for calling you a flake. If they really valued your company they would make the effort to come to you at least once every 6 weeks or so. Or try to schedule a weekend session occasionally that you could join. Or maybe you could all agree to meet at a gaming cafe in a more central location. There are options, they just don’t care enough to consider them.
And you, for adopting a dog and not being prepared to care for it adequately. I’ll probably get down voted, but leaving a dog in a crate all day is cruel. Find a doggie daycare in your area, preferably one with a force-free philosophy. Yes, it will cost you money, but pets come with expenses. And your dog will be socialized and happier. You’re also TA for complaining about not wanting to make a long drive to your friends’ places and then acting shocked, SHOCKED!, that they feel the same.
If your friends aren’t willing to compromise, it looks like you won’t be able to participate any longer. That sucks, and I’m sorry. I hope you find a new friend group. Maybe see if you can find a D&D group that plays online.
ESH. You don’t have the best location or setup and you took on a lot of obligations. That being said, they could accommodate you a few times. As someone who has frequent game nights, we need to take turns. Doesn’t need to be equal, depending on issues, but you got to give a little.