3 weeks ago my grandma passed away. The funeral is being held in a small town this week, funeral arrangement generally have been made by my uncle.
I am in a tornado at home (husband working 80+ hours a week, 3 year old has had multiple surgeries in the past months so we see drs weekly, an 11 month old, a high stress job, and just got diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder). Basically my life does not afford me the ability to travel to the funeral.
My sisters and mother are attending so in a sign of support, I want to send flowers. I cleared it with my mom and found out my uncle had only purchased one small vase of red roses for the funeral. I looked at the local florest website and saw a lovely flower arrangement that the urn could sit inside (think a wreath lying flat). I further cleared it with my mom by sending a picture of the arrangement I was looking at.
I call the local florest and see what other flowers have been purchased for the funeral. To double check, they contacted the funeral home and said there was only 1 vase of red roses purchased. So we designed the arrangement (white and purple (her favorite color) and red roses to tie in the bouquet they already had).
About 30 min later my uncle calls me and started berrating me "how dare you" "you should have called me" "this is so disrespectful" "I’ve done so much planning" "I’ll handle your mother if she has a part of this". It was so over he top I started to cry- and I’m a tough cookie but I was more emotional than normal since I had cried after purchasing the flowers from the grief of losing my grandma and not being able to be at the funeral.
I deescalate the situation as best I could, telling him I needed him to assume positive intent, explained what I did to confirm/ensure this could be a useful flower arrangement for the funeral home, and thanked him for the work he has done to care for my Grandma at the end + everything else. I offerer to cancel or purchase something else. It ended with him saying it was fine and a half hearted apology for being frustrated when he called.
Couple things to note on my uncle. He is a pastor, if anyone says "boo" to his wife he gets overly protective (even for the smallest of issues) and I have absolutely bare minimal relationship with him – we are cordial at best.
I had my mom follow up, and to keep things peaceful, she took blame for saying she approved it.
AITA for sending flowers for my Grandmas funeral?
NTA This is a ridiculous take from your Uncle. Sending flowers for a service is a sign of love. It doesn’t undermine anything at all.
I am sorry you are going through so much. Your little family needs and loves you more than your controlling Uncle could possibly comprehend. Some pastors can be so single minded that they don’t even realize it.
Sending you positive energy. You didn’t deserve this phone call.
Sending you
NTA. Your uncle is, although you could give him some grace for his own high emotions.
NTA You are doing what you can and picked something thoughtful to honor your grandmother.
NTA and even the stress of dealing with the funeral is no excuse for how he treated you, he was way out of line. I hope he is not like that with people who attend his church!
NTA
He shouldn’t have berated you over flowers. Sending flowers to a funeral is standard in many places across the world. I’m not sure how he even found about them within 30 minutes of you ordering them, every funeral I’ve helped plan or participated in people just sent the flowers and we received them as they arrived.
He said the funeral coordinator called him as the table they initial picked had to be changed to hold the flowers I purchased.
So because I picked a flower arrangement to hold the urn, I messed with the plans. He also said grandma liked things simple which is why he only got the one vase of flowers. But she loved flowers (until them caring for them caused was too hard).
NTA. He’s cheap and you are not and he felt called out. I’d just avoid contact going further if I were you.
NTA
He grossly overreacted
NTA he’s a jerk
NTA. Fuck your uncle. Don’t let him bully you. Normally I would say give him some grace since he lost his mom but he had absolutely no reason to treat you that way. You lost your grandmother and are just as entitled as he is to buy a flower arrangement. The fact that he is a pastor is scary. He needs therapy.
NTA he sounds like a cantankerous chap, too used to getting his own way. Don’t change anything you have as much right as any other family member to send flowers without pre approval from his nibs.
His congregation must love him. NTA
NTA
People like your uncle make me want to vomit. As if he’s the “man in charge” in the family. Nah, bro…. You and anyone else related to her have every right to celebrate her life in any way you see fit. If he doesn’t like it, he can go pound sand. Your uncle needs a wakeup call. He isn’t in charge and you’re an adult who is allowed to do whatever you want.
NTA His reaction was way overboard but I also wouldn’t have purchased an arrangement meant to hold the urn without checking with the person organizing the funeral. Your title is a bit misleading in that you didn’t just “send flowers”, you designed an entire arrangement meant to be a focal point at the service. Someone should have cleared that with your uncle, whether it was you or your mom.