AITAH – Flying with 3 young children and a husband with severe allergy
People were starting to be really rude so I had to delete sorry. Thanks for the input, both sides!
14 thoughts on “AITAH – Flying with 3 young children and a husband with severe allergy”
NTA. I’m an emergency med doctor and if you were in my ER after your husband had such an event and you asked me for advice on whether this kind of travel was safe right now, I would absolutely advise against it.
You need to just tell your family that your doctor thinks it’s unwise and risky to attempt either scenario. Even if that’s a white lie and you haven’t asked specifically.
Let them be mad. This is totally reasonable of you.
Light YTA. Your husband needs to stop eating red meat. That’s what alpha gal is. If he doesn’t eat red meat he doesn’t have a reaction, simple as that. As for the wedding, you knew this would be difficult when you accepted, but you accepted not only on your behalf but also for you kids. You need to tell your sister asap as she has been planning this wedding for quite a while and you’ve accepted some responsibility for having a role. She may be upset, and that’s her right. You’ve put her in a difficult position and she hasn’t done anything wrong here. Delaying so she can’t adjust expectations and plans is making things worse.
Alpha gal isn’t just red meat allergy. It’s mammal. Mammal products are in supplements (Glycerine), “natural flavors”, particular sugars are processed through bone char.
He doesn’t eat red meat and hasn’t in months – most recently he had anaphylaxis from eating a cookie with “natural flavors”.
Sounds like he needs a full diet change then. But that’s really not the root of the issue. You committed to travel and now want to back out. You don’t want to tell your sister even though she needs this info asap. That makes you a light ah. She’s allowed to be mad if you back out of a commitment to her wedding and don’t come at all.
> I’ll add I had a small courthouse wedding many years ago at 21 that half my siblings didn’t even attend (they were in school).
is a silly comparison to make. Like, no kidding your school-aged siblings went to school rather than attending a courthouse wedding. Most people don’t have a bunch of guests when they get married at a courthouse.
Why can’t your in-laws watch both their son and their grandchildren at your home? They simply said no? I would jump at the chance to spend time with my child and grandchildren.
Get your adult on and tell her you aren’t able to make the trip. Minimize your excuses/reasons (“It’s impossible for us to manage the time and distance, I’m very sorry but we look forward to photos”).
Your not the AH but you have to stop letting everything be an excuse. The 6 and 4 year old will have the time of their lives on an airplane and they don’t need car seats on the plane, you can put them with the luggage . Get a seat for the baby, put them in next to you and they will
likely sleep or your husband can entertain them.
This sounds amazing, I started flying when my oldest was 5 months, my youngest was 4 months on her first flight. It’s really no big deal.
Your husband has to deal with his own allergy, that’s not on you.
I realize that in the comments you said that driving was not possible because it was 22 hours. However, with three children that is what I would do anyway. You could break it up into 2 days travel each way. The two of you can take turns sleeping and the kids will sleep a lot of the trip. That would be a whole lot easier than air travel with three small children as far as I am concerned.
I also agree that if your husband stays away from red meat (and fried foods because the oil could contain beef tallow) his risk goes hugely down. However, you could also carry a cooler with safe food for him and have an epi pen on hand.
Can your parents fly to you and then help you navigate the flight? Can you stay at a hotel the night before the flight making the flying day easier? Or stay overnight at the layover? Your 6&8 yo are way old enough to make this flight and understand they need to lower the energy. That’s something they should be working on regardless. Your husband’s own parents wouldn’t come to help him if it was just him and newborn who stayed home? Your husband should also have a much better handle on this allergy by spring. That’s *months* to get his new life together, which he has to do ASAP as a responsible parent anyway.
I feel like you have a LOT of options here. Your excuses aren’t bananas, but they are things that should and could be overcome.
YTA. Does it sound like a pain in the butt and inconvenient ? Yes. Does it sound doable? Yes. You are coming up with lots of excuses as to not go instead of sucking it up and doing it for your sister. That’s what family does. Especially since you previously agreed to it.
Seriously…nta but you kinda are. It’s effort, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve been there done that. Spend a few hours cleaning out the fridge, freezer, and pantry. Read labels. You can even download apps that will scan labels and tell you if there is an alpha gal trigger. Then you can meal plan with your husband and make sure the fridge has only safe foods in it while he’s home alone. Been there done that with a kid who has celiac.
Make sure he knows how to use an epi pen and to keep it on him at all times. Been there done that. Had an anaphylactic reaction when my husband was on a work trip home alone with two small kids. After I stabbed myself I called my bestie who came over and took me to the ER while my best friend kept the kids.
If you really wanted to go you’d find a way. The fact that you’re making up 20 excuses tells me you don’t really want to go. And that’s ok.
Well, late spring is a ways away, so if your husband is under a doctor’s care and follow their instructions, he may be able to get his allergy problem under control and manageable by then.
But if you sister wants an answer RIGHT NOW, tell her you can not make it, give her the reasons why, BUT DO NOT GET INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT IT WITH HER (AND WITH YOUR FAMILY) – just say “that is just the way it is” if they want to argue about it and then terminate the conversation/discussion.
NTA. I’m an emergency med doctor and if you were in my ER after your husband had such an event and you asked me for advice on whether this kind of travel was safe right now, I would absolutely advise against it.
You need to just tell your family that your doctor thinks it’s unwise and risky to attempt either scenario. Even if that’s a white lie and you haven’t asked specifically.
Let them be mad. This is totally reasonable of you.
Light YTA. Your husband needs to stop eating red meat. That’s what alpha gal is. If he doesn’t eat red meat he doesn’t have a reaction, simple as that. As for the wedding, you knew this would be difficult when you accepted, but you accepted not only on your behalf but also for you kids. You need to tell your sister asap as she has been planning this wedding for quite a while and you’ve accepted some responsibility for having a role. She may be upset, and that’s her right. You’ve put her in a difficult position and she hasn’t done anything wrong here. Delaying so she can’t adjust expectations and plans is making things worse.
Alpha gal isn’t just red meat allergy. It’s mammal. Mammal products are in supplements (Glycerine), “natural flavors”, particular sugars are processed through bone char.
He doesn’t eat red meat and hasn’t in months – most recently he had anaphylaxis from eating a cookie with “natural flavors”.
Sounds like he needs a full diet change then. But that’s really not the root of the issue. You committed to travel and now want to back out. You don’t want to tell your sister even though she needs this info asap. That makes you a light ah. She’s allowed to be mad if you back out of a commitment to her wedding and don’t come at all.
Don’t attend if you can’t, but this
> I’ll add I had a small courthouse wedding many years ago at 21 that half my siblings didn’t even attend (they were in school).
is a silly comparison to make. Like, no kidding your school-aged siblings went to school rather than attending a courthouse wedding. Most people don’t have a bunch of guests when they get married at a courthouse.
Why can’t your in-laws watch both their son and their grandchildren at your home? They simply said no? I would jump at the chance to spend time with my child and grandchildren.
Get your adult on and tell her you aren’t able to make the trip. Minimize your excuses/reasons (“It’s impossible for us to manage the time and distance, I’m very sorry but we look forward to photos”).
Your not the AH but you have to stop letting everything be an excuse. The 6 and 4 year old will have the time of their lives on an airplane and they don’t need car seats on the plane, you can put them with the luggage . Get a seat for the baby, put them in next to you and they will
likely sleep or your husband can entertain them.
This sounds amazing, I started flying when my oldest was 5 months, my youngest was 4 months on her first flight. It’s really no big deal.
Your husband has to deal with his own allergy, that’s not on you.
I realize that in the comments you said that driving was not possible because it was 22 hours. However, with three children that is what I would do anyway. You could break it up into 2 days travel each way. The two of you can take turns sleeping and the kids will sleep a lot of the trip. That would be a whole lot easier than air travel with three small children as far as I am concerned.
I also agree that if your husband stays away from red meat (and fried foods because the oil could contain beef tallow) his risk goes hugely down. However, you could also carry a cooler with safe food for him and have an epi pen on hand.
Can your parents fly to you and then help you navigate the flight? Can you stay at a hotel the night before the flight making the flying day easier? Or stay overnight at the layover? Your 6&8 yo are way old enough to make this flight and understand they need to lower the energy. That’s something they should be working on regardless. Your husband’s own parents wouldn’t come to help him if it was just him and newborn who stayed home? Your husband should also have a much better handle on this allergy by spring. That’s *months* to get his new life together, which he has to do ASAP as a responsible parent anyway.
I feel like you have a LOT of options here. Your excuses aren’t bananas, but they are things that should and could be overcome.
YTA. Does it sound like a pain in the butt and inconvenient ? Yes. Does it sound doable? Yes. You are coming up with lots of excuses as to not go instead of sucking it up and doing it for your sister. That’s what family does. Especially since you previously agreed to it.
Have you actually asked his parents to be with your husband and kids?
Seriously…nta but you kinda are. It’s effort, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve been there done that. Spend a few hours cleaning out the fridge, freezer, and pantry. Read labels. You can even download apps that will scan labels and tell you if there is an alpha gal trigger. Then you can meal plan with your husband and make sure the fridge has only safe foods in it while he’s home alone. Been there done that with a kid who has celiac.
Make sure he knows how to use an epi pen and to keep it on him at all times. Been there done that. Had an anaphylactic reaction when my husband was on a work trip home alone with two small kids. After I stabbed myself I called my bestie who came over and took me to the ER while my best friend kept the kids.
If you really wanted to go you’d find a way. The fact that you’re making up 20 excuses tells me you don’t really want to go. And that’s ok.
Well, late spring is a ways away, so if your husband is under a doctor’s care and follow their instructions, he may be able to get his allergy problem under control and manageable by then.
But if you sister wants an answer RIGHT NOW, tell her you can not make it, give her the reasons why, BUT DO NOT GET INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT IT WITH HER (AND WITH YOUR FAMILY) – just say “that is just the way it is” if they want to argue about it and then terminate the conversation/discussion.
Good luck.