My roommate and I are the same age and gender (21F). We were having a conversation about various things that she had to do/the inconveniences of life that she was experiencing. For example, she was talking about how she had an exam, how it was raining before she had to go to the exam, how she was on her period, and recently opened up a bad can of fruit on top of everything.
She was in the midst of getting customer support to get a refund on her peaches, and she was complaining about it. Because her exam was in about 30 minutes and she needed to walk there, I suggested something along the lines of, “Maybe you should worry about your exam first and deal with this later.” I don’t think I said it in a condescending tone, only as a suggestion but she immediately says, “Excuse me?” Realizing that she might have taken it that way, I clarified by saying that she most definitely does not have to do what I suggested and went over to pat her on the back for support. However, before I could pat her, she says to me, “Don’t fucking infantilize me.” And I immediately apologized and said that I didn’t mean to come off that way. She leaves the room afterwards.
I have sent a text apologizing for my actions, understanding why she was offended by my actions but I feel as if her reaction was a bit out of hand. But I feel terrible about the interaction and I honestly don’t think that she will reply to my text. A part of me wants to confront her in-person to apologize again but at the same time, I don’t think she deserves my apology because of the way she communicated her feelings. But I feel like a terrible person. AITA?
I don’t see any infantilization. You simply suggested something that would make her life easier. She obviously is just pissed at the world. NTA
Yeah… I don’t see any infantilization either, OP literally just suggested something that would make her life easier…
NTA and that isn’t what infantilisation is. You were not treating her like a child, you were pointing out she was being stupid. Her response kind of sounds like she might be both.
NTA but let me give you a tip for next time. It’s all about knowing whether the person wants to just vent or wants solutions. Most people want to just vent and feel heard so when you offer a solution it can come across as if YOU see the answer, it’s so easy, why don’t they just do this? This can make them feel not understood and condescended.
Some responses to keep in your toolbox for people who want to vent:
Bummer!
That sucks!
Oh no! And then what happened?
Isn’t that the worst?
I hate when that happens to me.
Sometimes it’s just overwhelming, isn’t it?
Is there anything I can do to help?
In the specific case of your roommate I would’ve said something like “That sucks! The exam is in 30min? Do you think you’re going to make it on time?” As a way to put the ball in her court and let her come to the realization that maybe she needs to hang up and be on her way.
Signed,
A person who likes solutions and learned the hard way that it is not the norm.
Thank you, I appreciate the tip! I will definitely keep this in mind and gauge to see what people want more in the future ☺️
NTA. You were making a reasonable suggestion about prioritization. If she can’t prioritize at her age, she’s got bigger problems to deal with.
Wait, she was prioritizing calling customer service with the canned fruit company over getting to a test? NTA. She infantalized herself
NTA but the worst timing honestly. You obviously did know her day is not going well so her reaction was pretty predictable. If her mind is already so overstimulated it is definitely not the best solution to give „good advice“. I honestly think that when all of it is over, she’ll come to you and apologize also, it feels like your unnecessary comment was the last straw for her that day. Everyone has these days sometime, not everyone is able to handle it with grace. 🙃
“Accidental infantilization” is not a thing. Just because she accused you of that doesn’t make you guilty.
You both seem caught up in psychological buzz words. Either you “confront her” about this interaction or you apologize for it, but not both. If you don’t think that she deserves an apology then don’t make one. If she had a hostile, outsized reaction then apologizing is not the right move.
NTA, she just needs to eat some chocolate and not lash out