I (19F) have two brothers M(24M) and D(20M). for the last month or so, my parents decided they wanted to experiment living somewhere else so its been just me and M living in our parents home since the start of the year. D is currently in the army and is on PTO rn because he has finished training but needs to wait for driving lessons to become available. he decided to stay at the house for a few days. I work from home and M does not.
its important to note that since I do not have a desk or a chair in my room, I work in D’s old bedroom. He has not fully moved out so his stuff is still in there and he comes to stay at the house maybe 4 or 5 weeks out of the year.
since D has come home for a few days, he agreed to let me keep working in his room since he believed he would wake up early and use most of the day to excersize. I appreciated this very much since it is a huge pain to set up my computer and gear every morning and the kitchen chairs make my back hurt if im sat for I hours. since he has come home he has eaten 3 of my bagels when I told him he could have one. eaten the rest of a pack of M’s bread when M let him have a slice (there was more than half a loaf in the pack). sat at the kitchen table for hours while he drank cans of monster, leaving cans everywhere and if he did throw them away, used the wrong bin, used up plates and cutlery, making no effort to wash up or empty the dishwasher so he could put them away. didn’t wash the airfryer after he used it. came to his room/my office and told me women in first world countries shouldn’t be allowed to complain about not having access to abortion because we are so privileged and also we are whores who sleep around without protection and using r#pe as an excuse to do that. come into my office and told me that men talk about ideas and how to improve the world while women talk about makeup and boys and hair. left piles of banana skins and orange peels on the kitchen table for an hour. asked me to make him a coffee while I was working. and every time I ask him to clean up his mess he has replied, "I am on holiday" "you dont know how hard i work every day" "you’re not my mother" "im not inconsiderate, im letting you work in my room, I could have kicked you out" "I live here too"
I know this is his parents house too but it’s also an environment that me and M have to live in and I think it’s unfair for him to come in and dirty the place up without cleaning or eat the food we bought ourselves. im on just above minimum salary for the country and I chip in for bills, im also learning to drive and saving for university so I cant afford to be paying for him too while hes also getting a salary.
and i know its nice that hes let me use his room. some of his arguments have made me wonder if I am being too hard on him since hes on holiday. I’m not sure how to deal honestly.
He should clean up after himself on holiday too. I would never go back to my parents’ home and just expect everyone to clean up after me.
I just think it’s funny that your parents were like, “Well, the kids aren’t moving out. I guess we will!”
My friends’ mom did this. The house is large and valuable, but she wanted private time with her bf after her kids finished high school. They paid for most stuff and cleaned most but she hired a maid for deep cleaning(like the carpets) since they both work and i believe now she is back living there as both my friends married off.
NTA, D is an immature child who has to toe the line in the service so he thinks it’s ok to be a slob with his family.
Find yourself a good chair and bring your computer out of his room, buy yourself a lock for your bedroom, and keep your food in there while he is home.
When you’re working keep your door locked and tell him not to disturb you.
Call your parents and tell them you love them.
D will mature, you will get over this growing pain with him going from child, to adult, and hopefully it will all work out.
But seriously, call your parents ❤️
On a practical level, remove your stuff from his room (so he can’t hold it over you) and then pick up ALL his shit and dump it on/in his bed.
Do NOTHING for him. He sounds obnoxious
Edited to add NTA
The army usually trains its people who to clean up after themselves. Your brother must be a special kind of recruit, one who can’t driver act like a functional adult.
NTA, obviously
As a general rule, if you share a living space with someone else you clean up after yourself out of consideration. Living like a pig is only acceptable if you’re living by yourself. Though I must say I’m pretty surprised that someone in the army isn’t organized. They usually drill discipline into them during basic.
NTA.
NTA. ‘I’m on holiday’ doesn’t mean he gets to trash the house, eat everyone’s food, and be a sexist jerk. He’s 20, not 12. The fact that he’s ‘letting’ you work in a room he uses 4 weeks a year doesn’t give him a free pass to be inconsiderate. If he works so hard in the army, he should know basic discipline includes cleaning up after yourself!
NTA – As he points out, you’re not his parent. So remind him of that. And tell him it isn’t you job to pick up after him, buy his food , etc, like his mommy.
NTA your brother sounds like a monster.
If I were you I’d buy a desk ASAP to put in your room so you don’t have to deal with him while you work.
Ew. Remove all your stuff from his room, it might be an inconvenience to set up somewhere else but it will be worth it.
Your brother is disgusting on several levels and honestly the things he is saying to you about women are alarming enough I would not feel safe around him alone.
NTA
NTA. Letting someone use your space doesn’t give them a free pass to disrespect you, especially when they’re a guest, even if it’s “their parents’ house”. Being on holiday doesn’t mean leaving a trail of garbage or saying sexist nonsense. You’ve shown way more patience than most would.
Since he is in the military I would think he knows how to clean up after himself and should be doing so. Just a courtesy more than anything else. Sounds like he thinks since your a women you should be doing the cleaning. He’s the AH