I21F have been dating my bf 21M for 6 years since now. Besides this one person in his family (who I will be talking about) I feel like they see me as family which is nice. But this one person in his family only invites me for the small things, which I still appreciate BUT this family member, my bf and his siblings have gone on many many trips since me and my bf have been together. I’ve never once got invited to these trips planned by this family member. When I used to get excluded from these trips I always assumed it was because we hadn’t been together super long enough and would try to brush it off. This family member has seemingly showed without saying that they think I’m "stealing" my boyfriend and I don’t think they like that I have a lot of his attention and that he spends most of his time with me. I also have been speculating the whole time we’ve been together that This family member doesn’t see me as part of the family and only now is it crystal clear that I think it’s true. So this family member has recently brought up another annual trip but this time it isn’t just a state away trip this is a far and cool destination trip. Initially, they said that no one could bring add-ons for financial reasons. Aka I’m not invited. I suggested to my boyfriend to ask this family member if I paid for all of my own things if I could still come. This was brought up at a dinner we had with this family member and after my bf suggested it they sighed with a grumpy face saying "well see" I immediately knew it was a no just based on the reaction. Weeks later my boyfriend texts this family member if it’s still ok and they say no without a reason. My boyfriend knows this is rude too and suggested to me he wouldn’t go if I can’t go. I told him he should still go since it’s a cool trip but now I feel it’s confirmed by this family member I am not welcomed and not considered part of the family. I mainly want answers as to why even though it seems clear. I have decided going forward to no longer be around this family member as I feel disrespected and hurts my feelings about this whole situation. I feel like after this long I should be considered part of the family and the fact I had to still ask and even got rejected shows me enough. I feel like I might be over exaggerating but i still feel hurt. Idk am I the asshole?
Adding on:
My family sees him as their son and as their own blood so that’s why it hurts so bad and besides this specific family member the rest of his family treat me as blood too. That’s why I feel so excluded and hurt by the actions of this specific family member that keeps avoiding the why part. I understand only family vacations but if my boyfriend is always welcome to come on mine I feel it’s partially unfair if I don’t get to every now and then go on one with his.
Just say it’s his mom. He’s gonna need to stand up for you at some point, but if you’re not married, then I don’t think it can be expected to go? Though if you’re paying your own way, I don’t really see the harm.
Are other people bringing someone?
If this family member is a parent or grandparent, I think YTA. Yes you have been together for 6 years, but you are still only 21, and you aren’t engaged or married so it would be reasonable for a parent to still want family vacations to be Core Family Members only, at least through college.
However, if this family member is a sibling, or an aunt/uncle/cousin/etc, of if these vacations include aunts/uncles/cousins I would say NTA 100%, it is rude to disclude you especially if you are paying for yourself.
YTA. I can understand having a confrontational nature but if you know that someone doesn’t like you, what’s the point in making them say it? Just to make you feel better? So that everyone else knows? It sounds immature and a waste of time. Sometimes people just don’t like you and that’s ok.
The bottom line is ‘like family’ is not family, no matter how you slice it and until you are a part of your bf’s family, this family member isn’t going to treat you as such. Continuing to press the issue or bring it to a head might backfire on you, especially if this person has any sort of authority or is held in a certain regard. Spend your time being bothered about it or carry on until circumstances change, but if you keep up this sort of attitude and aggravating the situation, you might not come out looking as good as you think you will.
I wonder if the family member is not a big fan of the age gap or is simply worried about your ability to travel – 121 years old is risky to be going on adventures with much younger people.
Info: Tell us about the trips. Are the other attendees on the trips allowed to bring partners?
That would be my question too. Are these trips ONLY family members? Or are other girlfriends or boyfriends attending? If it’s strictly family members, then you have no business expecting to be invited.
If other non-family members are going, then you have an issue. But then again you are still only 21, which means the previous years you were still a teenager. Why would you even expect to be invited on family trips as an underaged kid?
they can treat you like family but honestly 5 years at this age is not the same as 5 years when you are 30. Mom or dad or probably both want to continue family vacations for a while longer until their kids start getting engaged , gown up jobs etc. then they will likely either stop family vacations due to the complexity of accommodating so many schedules & the costs or incorporate all the actual daughter and sons in law.
YTA. Here’s why- it’s not your trip. You aren’t part of this family members family. I would say NTA if other significant others were invited. But if you want to go on a trip, go on one. But maybe this family member just wants it to be a family trip and not a couples trip, which if you went it would be. If it’s a cool destination, you’re 21 and already offering to pay for everything yourself, so plan a trip for that area or another place you want to go.
It’s sounds like they’ve been taking “cousins” trips. You’re not their cousin. They said no add-ons. Are you the only partner that has been excluded from trips? If so, NTA. I wouldn’t pay to spend time with that person.
If NO partners have ever been invited or attended, I think what they’re doing is fine and you‘re overthinking this. I would say you’re an AH for continuing to try to insert yourself into “cousins” trips.
YTA. Just to be clear, you’re NOT actually family. You’re only a girlfriend. You’re not married, you’re only dating this guy, albeit for six years, but thats a different issue. You have no argument. If you dont like it, then get married. Until then, stay home.
YTA because it’s not your trip
Info, please
You don’t say anything about the siblings bringing SO’s on these trips. Do any of the siblings bring anyone?
YTA.
OP, you can be the best person in the world but everyone is just not going to like you. This is a hurtful but valid truth in life. Your boyfriend and some of his other family members may think of you as a family member but no one is obligated to see you that way simply because you want them to. It seems like when they have to be in your presence, they are cordial.. and that’s really all you can ask.
They may not even truly dislike you but maybe they feel like the two of you haven’t been able to grow as individuals just because you’ve been together since you were both 14 years old.
I think you need to accept that the family member prefers not to have a relationship with you and not seek to impose your presence on them. If they continue to invite your boyfriend on trips while excluding you then allow him to decline attendance to show support for your relationship.