I (30F) have been best friends with A (31M) since we were 10. We grew up together, went to the same schools, and are like siblings. There has never been anything romantic between us. Our families are very close, and my mom treats him like a son.
In high school, A met his now wife, Bea (31F). Bea and I were part of the same larger friend group with four other girls, A, and two other guys. I was close to her at the time, I even helped set her and A up. After high school, A moved abroad for med school. Bea and I stayed in the same city, but she and the four other girls formed a new group chat and social circle that excluded me. It hurt, but I took it as a clear signal they didn’t want to be close, so I moved on and made other friends. I don’t hold any resentment about this now.
A and I remained best friends. When he visited home, we spent time together when he wasn’t with Bea. I always spoke well of Bea, heard about her through A, and always held her in high regard as being secure and level headed, especially given their long-distance relationship. A continued to be included in my family events.
During this time, I met and married my husband (33M). He fully trusts me, adores A, and has never felt threatened by our friendship.
Last month, A and Bea got married after 14 years together. In my culture, weddings are multi-day events. Because A is basically family, I helped with behind-the-scenes responsibilities during the wedding. I also made sure A and Bea stayed hydrated through the long ceremonies. Only two girls from Bea’s girl group attended. When I greeted them warmly, they were extremely icy in response. Every subsequent encounter was rude and curt. Bea was also cold and distant towards me. I decided not to dwell on it and enjoy A’s big day.
When I got home, A sent a long message apologizing for Bea’s behavior. I was shocked, I didn’t even know she had an issue with me. A told me Bea felt resentment partly due to her girl friends speaking negatively about me over the years. This confused me, as I haven’t interacted with them in years, don’t use social media, and live in another country.
He also said Bea felt hurt that I treated him like family but didn’t include her in family events. From my perspective, Bea had distanced herself from me years ago and never tried to maintain a relationship outside that group, so I respected that boundary.
I understand marriage changes dynamics and that Bea may want more inclusion, but I don’t understand how I’m expected to treat her like family when she never even treated me like a friend, and actively excluded me at one point.
A is torn up and wants me to have a good relationship with Bea. I reached out to her, offered an honest conversation, and said I’d take accountability or apologize if I hurt her, but she wasn’t receptive. I even told A I would step back if my presence causes stress in their marriage, but A doesn’t want that either.
So… AITAH? What am I doing wrong, and what should I be doing now?
Eta: paragraph spacing
Info:
Was your family inviting A places and not allow her to join or never giving her an invite?
A is basically family sooo was his now wife ever invited to join you guys
If you treat A like family you need to treat Bea like that because they are married and before that was a long time gf ( she’s like you SIl now, if they see A as a son and you see him as a brother)
– with the info below I am not surprised she doesn’t like your side of the family
I don’t know the answer to this or if it can be fixed
My family invited A, but not Bea separately, yes. Bea would have been welcome to join if she accompanied A of course. Bea moved out of my city after the first three years of undergrad though.
NTA from what you’ve written. It sounds like their relationship brought the drama/mess, not you. It seems pretty clear that Bea has an unfounded sense of jealousy towards you, and A was not able to handle it well and reassure her or nothing he said would be able to do that. Bea’s friends are likely being overly protective for her sake. It’s highly possible that A has complimented you too much while you’re not around and done things to make Bea jealous. But absolutely none of that really has to do with you, and it’s just guesses.
You’ve honestly done everything right, I’d say, which is rough because there’s not much for you to do. It’s really on A and Bea to figure this out. I’d take their lead on what they would like going forward, and remove yourself if you feel uncomfortable (like if A invites you but Bea doesn’t seem to like that). Rough situation.
Yes, you will be TA if you don’t welcome Bea into the family fold the way you do with A now that they are married. If A is truly like family then you need to extend the same courtesies you would to a sister-in-law to Bea or you need to let A go. I don’t think the history matters, you don’t need to be BFFs with your best friend’s partner to maintain a friendship. A knew you all were not close and married her anyway because he assumed the two of you would sort it out or handle it maturely. If respecting his chosen partner is that difficult you must know that your friendship will suffer because he owes his primary loyalty to his wife.
NAH unless you think you can maintain status quo.
I would tell ‘Bea’ exactly what you told us here… especially the last couple paragraphs.
You should let A deal with Bea, they are married and need communication and understanding about how to deal with this on their own. In the end you are A’s friend, as Bea made clear she wasn’t your friend.
Info needed:
Knowing that A clearly had a serious partner all of those years, was Bea ever even flippantly/casually invited to the ‘family’ events you and your family involved him in? Or he was supposed to go solo?
It sounds more like A could be the AH for not mitigating that hurt all those years if he was just jetting off to your family events leaving her at home/excluded without so much as raising the question: “is it ok if Bea comes along?”
I was invited to all of my partner’s “family events” over the years, but can imaging a sting of hurt if there were some from which I’d be excluded.
Bea was not invited separately, if that’s what you mean – but of course we have told A to bring Bea if she was free/ available/ interested. Bea thinks she should have been invited separately.
I suspect Bea didn’t really want to come.
Then A caused the problem and made it yours unnecessarily.
A has asked her to join in the past. She refused, in at least one occassion that comes to mind.
NTA
I think you did what could be done. You offered a honest conversation but Bea wasn’t responsive. Sometimes things are like this. You can keep the door open for her if she is ready to talk one day. If I was you I’d keep things as they are, stay civil and friendly with Bes, she is your best friends’ wife. But don’t push things.
lol you are not the one causing issues in this marriage, this Bea person is doing that all on her own
I feel like over the years, a conversation woudl have been had between you and A about your friendship wiht Bea. Like ‘that was a little weird, suddenly I wasn’t friends wiht them anymore…do you have any idea what’s up with that?’ Given how close you are with A – wouldn’t you or he want to mend any fences with his girlfriend/fiance along the way?
SOMEONE knew that something wasn’t right, this shoudl have been dealt with a long time ago. Tiime for you, A and Bea to chat. How can you keep a ‘best friendship’ going when you don’t have a relationship, or have a huge unsettled ‘thing’ with his spouse?
NTA. From this snippet, I think A and Bea are the assholes. A for seemingly not being more active in Bea’s inclusion, and Bea for some kind of unfounded, festered jealousy