My BF (34M) and his ex (29F) share 50/50 custody of their 8-year-old daughter. When the mom was possibly facing homelessness, I offered a room in my apartment. Without adding her to the lease, we signed a 6-mo trial with terms: ontime rent, respectful communication, in-person conflict resolution + documentation. She added privacy from my BF, supervised interaction with her daughter, and no expectation of friendship.
Early on, there were instances of misleading intent and lies to my BF about things I said. I received vague apologies and chose to tolerate it, just being more intentional with my words. Then she started leaving the front door unlocked for her daughter and fell behind on rent.
At our renewal meeting, I agreed we could continue living together if two issues were fixed: get spare keys or answer the doorbell and pay rent the next day. She agreed. Neither happened. Communication stopped. Around Christmas, the living room filled with gifts while rent still unpaid and door still left unlocked.
She later decided, without discussion, to pay $300/week while now two months behind. When I asked to talk, she said she’d be away for weeks. She was home. I got petty and pulled the breaker to the washer/dryer (her peace chore). I texted her I’d restore it once rent was paid and keys handled. Within seconds she apologetically set a meeting date. Then came out of her room making demands and vague threats. Meeting was postponed with less than 12 hours’ notice anyways. Again, she was home.
I drafted a formal Notice to Quit restating the same two terms, giving her time to find other housing if unresolved. She asked to discuss it, then threw it in the trash and berated me for 20 min. Five minutes in, she admitted my concerns “weren’t a priority.” In summary she said “Grow up, stop being a coward, have a conversation like an adult and don’t take your personal life out on us because you’re also affecting this child you supposedly care about and her father too” At that point, the pattern of lies, dismissal, and hostility what’s making me feel unsafe. I decided it was time to move on, January 18. She refused to leave, so I terminated my lease with my landlord.
Regardless of fault, we were no longer functional roommates. She said she has no idea why I’m forcing her to rehome suddenly. I had been transparent through texts, emails, and the notice about my disapproval of the situation since December 19. Now her daughter, who I had good relations with, is saying she learned I’m a bad person deceiving them who “doesn’t have their best interest at heart”.
My anxiety has been the worst worrying about the impacts on the daughters mental health since my bf and I will move in together. With the large fallout, am I the asshole here? Should I handled it differently?
I listen to podcasts talking about reddit stories so wrote my first post detailed… then had to slim from 12,000+ characters to <3,000 which was super hard, sorry if it’s hard to read
NTA the daughter lives with them and pretty much has to say what they want her to say to survive. Don’t even consider that. Stick to your lease.
I cannot read this giant parageaph.
NTA, but incredibly stupid.
INFO: where is your boyfriend in all of this? have you not all been cohabitating?
I don’t think OP and her Bf were living together ..
She mentions they will be moving in together
ah, totally missed that. I’m still curious about his perspective though, given that it’s his ex and child, right?
Youre not the asshole, you offered her a place to stay when she was going through a rough time, you set boundaries with her, and all of them seemed pretty reasonable, the issue begins with her not respecting your place or you. Leaving the door unlocked, not paying her half of the rent and disrespecting you in the home you allowed her and her daughter to stay in while going through a hard time, NTA it sucks that this is what it came down to but at the end of the day you set boundaries she didn’t respect them. You gave her a heads up and a bit of time to try and figure things out, if you were to tell them they needed to rehome within the next few days then yeah, thats asshole behavior but givin the context it doesnt seem like that at all.
Also dont let her or the daughter make you feel bad about your decision her mom was out of line and straight up disrespectful you cannot come into someones home and act like you run stuff, but maybe when the times right have a sit down with your boyfriend and his daughter and see what YOU GUYS can do to move past this, or at least let her know this doesnt affect your relationship with her on your end.
NTA you are a good person who tried to help someone who didn’t deserve your kindness.
This was doomed from the beginning and ranks as one of the worst ideas I’ve ever seen. The relationship with the daughter may be the least of your troubles. You have been subletting to her, which I’m betting is against your lease. If she doesn’t leave when you move out, she might be able to claim a legal right to stay requiring your landlord to go through eviction proceedings which will affect YOUR rental/possibly credit record. At a minimum there is the potential for her to do damage on her way out and you to lose your deposit and have to pay damages. Anytime you let anyone move in with you, with or without rent, there is always a huge risk of having a hell of a time to get them to leave. That it was an emotionally charged situation like your BF’s ex WITH A KID exponentially increases the risk of a bad outcome. Good luck!
NTA on you terminating your lease with your landlord.
But Y T A for putting yourself in this massive clusterf\*ck anyone could see coming. How on earth did you think this would be a good idea?
Nta but it was always a terrible idea. Also things will never workout with your bf now- the kid spouting mom’s nonsense will always be an issue
NTA but stupid you know