Long story short my wife really wants to move to western NC and is doing very little to make it happen. My mom is 71 and will need help not too long from now to do basic things or will need a meal cooked for her which both my wife and I agree on doing. So we planned on trying to get my super independent mother on board.
We made a plan on the type of property we want (finished nice basement or a large mother-in-law pool house situation she can live in.)We act all excited about the future in private but my wife acts to opposite in front of my mother. She had a rough childhood with her mother and father and she basically built a habit of coddling my mother so she likes her. I get it but today I snapped.
We sat down at our fav restaurant and I started talking about it and my independent mother obviously had her reservations but instead of supporting me and reassuring my mother she changed her tone and body language to make it sound like she was agreeing with my mother. This isn’t new, and it’s very frustrating because it often feels like a 2v1 situation even if I know my wife agrees with me and even talked about it before bringing it up to my mom.
Anyways we got back in the car to drive home and she knew I was upset. She asked me what was wrong and I started arguing with her over it. What made her upset was I told her that what she did today was a detriment to our future, and if we were to move it wouldn’t be because of her but despite her if she keeps this up.
I know it could’ve been nicer but AITAH for putting it this bluntly? What could I do next time?
Edit: I want my wife to have her dream move and my mother would continue to be independent in her own house on the property for as many years as gods willing, and could move into our finished basement later down the line if needed. Also my mom didn’t say no, she just didn’t visualize it and needs to see her level of independence in person before saying yes or no. Aka she had her reservations.
ESH. You ambushed her right after a stressful convo, she undermined a united front. Set rules: discuss strategy, safeword if plans shift, and debrief later at home. Ask her to name specific reassurances she’s comfortable giving your mom, and schedule a joint talk with clear roles.
YTA l think . I find your post very confusing however. You say your wife is in the habit of ‘ coddling’ your mother, (which in itself is an odd term to use regarding a woman you describe as independant, even ‘super independent’ ) and that your wife seems excited in private about this proposed move in private, but not to your mother. How is this ‘coddling’?
Your mother is 71, so unless there is some medical condition you haven’t mentioned, there is no reason to suppose that she is going to need ‘help with basic things not too long from now ‘ . Are you sure it’s not just you who wants to do all this and that you are ignoring or reconceptualising their reluctance? And indeed perhaps their relationship .
YTA
YTA.
>my **independent mother** obviously had her reservations but instead of supporting me and reassuring my mother
Here’s the thing, your mother is still **independent**. She is **still** capable of deciding what ***she*** wants in **her own life**. And, until she is **no longer capable** of decision-making, how **she** ***chooses*** to live her life is **her own choice**, and if that means she’d rather ***not*** move with you, she is well-within **her rights** to **not** be ***coerced*** or **talked into** into doing so.
To me, it sounds like your’re not only trying to push your wife into caring for your mother, but that you’re also trying to push your mother into accepting that type of care before she ***wants*** it or ***needs*** it. I know some fiercly independent 85+-year-olds that still have all their faculties intact, and they are **enjoying** their independence, and more than a few of them would be quite livid if one of their children were to try to push them into moving in with them (the child) or move into a care home.
Are you SURE your wife agrees with YOU? Have you considered she may actually agree with your mom and feels pressured to agree with you when you two are alone? I could be wrong, but that’s the vibe I’m getting from this
Same – I was going to ask what your wife really thinks of this plan. Sure doesn’t seem like you are on the same page. I think you & wife need to work this out before you drag mom into the conversation.
You might also need to go physically do some shopping for properties. My SOis visual. He needs to see things to see the opportunity.
Soo… you want your wife to help you talk your independent mother out of being independent and to move somewhere (far?) away with you. Your mom doesn’t want to. Your wife seems to agree with you in private but with your mom when your mom is there. You think your wife agrees with you.
YTA. I think you are putting the blame on your wife that your mom doesn’t want to agree with you. You can’t make your mom move (far?) away if she doesn’t want to. And I question if your wife really agrees with you, or is just saying that because she think’s you’ll be angry at her or upset with her because she doesn’t.
Good point now I’m questioning if the wife really agrees with him. Maybe she is just accommodating because he’s so pushy
NTA
Why are people voting Y T A??
Post is a bit confusing but I assume English is not OPs first language. From my understanding OP and their wife have sat down and discussed plans for a big move, which includes moving OP’s older mother (who is soon to require home help) so they can provide some elder care.
When discussing, just the two of them, they are excited and on the same page. As soon as it’s time to discuss with OP’s mother, OP’s wife switches sides and betrays their united front. OP’s wife is LITERALLY sabotaging and setting up OP for an uncomfortable conversation. The wife is literally throwing OP under the bus to please OP’s mother. What OP said is blunt, but it’s on point and wife deserved to hear it. She says she genuinely wants this big move, but she isn’t acting like it…
Right now, OPs mom is **perfectly independent**, has her **faculties intact**, and does **not** seem to want to move in with OP. And as long as OPs mother is able to care for herself and think for herself, she gets to **choose** for herself.
Maybe your wife is consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the move to Western NC that you think she wants, but actually when she came to realise that in your mind this move will mean she has to live with your mom, this (consciously or subconsciously) killed any enthusiasm she has towards the move. NAH.
YTA Your wife is right to be upset for you telling her what she did was a detriment to your future and inferring you would move despite her if she somehow agrees with part of what your mom thinks. If my husband said something that I said or did was a detriment to our future, I take that as dangling a threat of divorce if I am not compliant. I know there are people who throw that around during an argument, but that is a total no in my relationship. If you do not seriously mean that you have thoughts of breaking up, do not use it as bargaining tool.
ESH, except your mom. You are trying to speed up your mom’s aging process and take her independence away because she might need help in the future and talking about it in front of her which is weird. Your wife sucks for being two faced.
You’re pretty bad at conveying your thoughts. Are you planning to move to be near your mother? Moving away from her? Bringing her with you against her wishes? Your post doesn’t make it clear what the conflict is.