So my best friend graduated and moved back home this year. It’s been a rough transition (break up with fiancé, going from her own apartment to sleeping on her mom’s couch, getting kicked out a few months later). Just giving context for the headspace she was in, she’s in much better circumstances now. Her birthday was coming up in 3 months, and she’s expressed never having a good birthday due to her ex never planning anything. I asked what she wanted to do and got mixed replies each time.
At first she needed ideas, so I said what I normally do. Long story short she didn’t like any of those ideas, so I suggested events that fit her aesthetic, restaurants she might like, and hinted at a surprise birthday with friends/family. She liked the party idea at first, gave me a list of people to invite, and I considered my house or renting a room. She later declined because she felt it wouldn’t really be a party with such few people.
About a month before her birthday, her living situation improved and she started dating a guy from my university. She said she wanted to spend the morning with family, afternoon with me, and night with him. I was fine with that and started planning our afternoon.
Since time was short, I planned to pay for her nails, got a small cake, items she’d been eyeing, and a card. She then said plans changed again and now I’d be doing the first half of the day and he’d do the second half. I said that was fine but needed to finish my final exams, and would come back to her with times. She agreed & said okay.
The following day, she said she wanted to spend the whole day with him, and that we could celebrate the day before, though she’d be busy with other appointments in the morning and leaving at 7pm to drive to his house.
I tried to align our nail appointments. Hers was at 4:30pm. I asked if I should book before her so we could celebrate there. She said “it’s up to you.” I felt brushed off and expressed that. She said she wasn’t prioritizing either person and that plans kept changing to “meet me in the middle.” I thought that comment was weird but kept it pushing.
On her birthday, I texted “happy bday” and left that at that.
Later, she said I was wrong for being frustrated, that it made her cry to argue with her best friend the day before her birthday, and that I should’ve waited to express my feelings. She said I should’ve said “okay have fun” in regards to being with him, that I texted dry, should’ve made an Instagram story post, that I was overextending myself, communicated times too slowly, felt like I was calling her male centered, and that “it’s up to you” wasn’t meant rudely.
Texting does leave interpretation for tonality so I apologized for taking that to heart. I then said I only did Instagram birthday posts when she was away at college and haven’t done so since 2023. As for “arguing,” I said friends shouldn’t walk on eggshells and should be able to talk about what’s bothering them and come to a resolution afterwards.
NTA. She sounds exhausting and entitled.
NTA. She kept changing plans over and over. You can’t keep changing your schedule for her. I don’t care what day it is.
I don’t think your the asshole it depends on what you have to do . Me personally I’m going to celebrate bc I like party’s as long as I’m safe and with my friend so of course I will go to her party , but if you are doing something then I understand why it will be brief
NTA. Your friend is, though. She’s very self centered. That doesn’t change.
NTA sometimes I read Reddit and realize how vindictive I am. I seriously woulda been like “fuck her birthday” after all that and did nothing
NTA.
Girls who rely on you to be the emotional support during a break up and then dump the friendship as soon as they get a new man are the frickin *worst*.
NTA. I’m exhausted just from reading all that, if I had to live it I would have just been like “hang with him, I’ll catch you next week” after half of it. You did nothing wrong. Don’t worry about it. If she drags it out that’s on her.
NTA, she is exhausting! You wished her a happy birthday, that’s all she should get after the multiple changes she made.