I (45F) have a 17-year-old daughter, “Sam.” I share custody with her father, but he has not been involved in her life for over two years. However, her former stepmother, “Carly,” is still very involved. Even though Carly and Sam’s father are divorced, Sam continues to follow the custody schedule with Carly: one night a week and every other weekend. This is what Sam has always known.
For Christmas break, we split the time in half. This year Sam is with Carly for the first half, with the switch day being December 26.
I asked if Sam could come home the night of the 26th so we could do our Christmas at our house before attending a larger family gathering. Carly said they would still be at their family Christmas that day, so I agreed we’d do our Christmas early Saturday morning instead.
We also have a yearly tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights while listening to music and drinking cocoa. In past years, we adjust when we do this depending on custody. This year, because of Sam’s work schedule and her siblings’ activities, we weren’t able to fit it in.
I asked if Sam could come home for a couple of hours one evening so we could still do this tradition. Carly says I’m being unfair and an asshole for asking, saying it cuts into their time with Sam.
AITA?
ETA: Sam does want to do Christmas lights. It is one of her favorite traditions she just doesn’t like to disappoint anyone. I haven’t communicated with Carly about it. Carly told Sam that she thought it was unfair she was coming over here for a couple hours during her time.
INFO: Your daughter is almost an adult. I didn’t see anything in your post about what Sam would like. Whah does Sam want to do? At this point in her life, she should get to choose.
She has said she wants to come to my house. Christmas lights is her favorite tradition.
What does Sam want to do? She’s beyond old enough to decide for herself.
It seems like you are asking Carly when Sam is the one who should be dictating her schedule at this point. What does Sam want?
Sam wants to do Christmas lights. It is her favorite tradition. She also hates disappointing anyone.
Remind her that her feelings and desires are as valid as anybody else’s, and that she’s allowed to put herself first, even if it means disappointing someone, especially an adult.
You should add that she wants to do the lights to the post. Otherwise you’ll continue getting a bunch of people asking what she wants.
YTA for communicating with Carly instead of with your (nearly adult!) child. Ask Sam what she wants.
Also… at some point children grow up and they might let go of traditions that you still want to hold onto. As painful as it is, try giving Sam the space to figure out what \*she\* wants. She might not really care about christmas lights and drinking coca as much this year (and she might care more again next year – skipping one year doesn’t mean the tradition immediately dies out).
Edit: typo.
This is an issue between you and your daughter.
She is old enough to plan her own schedule.
Why would a custody schedule continue if Sam’s dad is divorced from Carly? Carly has no legal standing.
Given that Sam is 17 and still with Carly despite the divorce from her dad – you should be asking Sam – not reddit – whether YTA for cutting time with Carly. She’s old enough to decide.
NTA
Honestly, though, at 17, this should be Sam’s decision to make.
And remind Carly that you’re not obligated to give her anytime so she should tread lightly.
I don’t really care what Carly wants. What does Sam want?
Why does Carly have any say at all. Sam should be choosing