I 20F live for free with a Man 35M (not in a relationship) and lately we have been having arguiments about the dishes.
Due to having light anemia ive been very sleepy and dizzy, i recently started taking iron pills wich ALSO make me feel nauseous and exhausted. I try to do as much as i can do repay hes kindness of letting me live here. I make food as much as i can, but he always complains about it not tasting good (i used to go too cookingschool so its not like i dont know what im doing) and he always brings home food he begs for from other people, so i started just cooking smaller portions for me.
Due to a gastric bypass im also always sick after eating, so i usually do the dishes the next morning or just later that evening depending on how sick i feel. At the beginning he just kinda did the dishes if he saw it, wich i appreciated but i always told him he didnt have to and ill do it in the morning. Lately he has been complaining abt the dishes sitting in the sink overnight. I told him abt 5 times now that my gastric bypass realy bothers me and mixed with my anemia its just realy challenging. I dont need any empathy, i just wanna explain that im not being lazy… im just genuinely incapable at times and i will do it when my body allows me.
Today we had a very big fight and he also brought up that im sleeping too much and staying in my room, and i snapped… i have showed him my blood test and explained to him that its gonna take months to recover but he doesnt speak the language well and he doesnt even try to understand it. Ive translated it multiple times for him but he just isnt listening…
I told him if it realy bothers him, then i should leave but then he doesnt want me to leave…
I got nowhere else to stay and this is genuinely my only option. In 4 months i will be moving to a whole different continent so renting a house isnt possible.
AITA in this situation? What should i do?
There’s a lot going on here.
Why is an older man letting you stay for free?
Which one of you speaks the language of the country you live in?
Could you be being groomed or controlled?
Do you have any family or friends?
Right I have so many questions? like are these people related or is this man just a random (and/or unsafe to live with given the things about “sleeping too much” and stuff sound like major red flags??)
He is letting me stay for free cos we met in a homeless shelter, we got very close and when my relationship ended for a bit he kinda groomed me into dating him for nationality benefits and ive noticed hes attracted to girls my age. Eventually i got to my senses and broke up with him but stayed friends, me and my former boyfriend are engaged now. Im speaking the language of the country we live in. He says he supports my engagement but ever since things got more srs he has been acting very insecure. Like one second hes super friendly and the next hes super disrespectfull, theres a chance he is trying to manipulate or controle me. As to friends and family, yes… but they dont want to take me in. My family dont support my beliefs so they keep distance. My best friend still lives with her parents so thats not possible.
Yta. Do most of your dishes before you eat, and clean up the remaining after a short break. I’m also someone who despises dirty dishes in the sink overnight. I can’t blame him for being upset, especially since you’re living there rent free and just leaving messes?
So do you work/pay rent or are you completely free loading off this person? How are you even acquainted/get into this living arrangement where you seemingly just take up space in this guys house? I understand you’re having health issues, but I cannot imagine having a non rent paying person living in my house and not cleaning up after themselves and I don’t get super frustrated with the situation. If you’re so sick even basic cleaning up after yourself is not manageable how are you going to move continents alone?
Start doing your dishes before you eat, so you don’t leave the common space messy. Then he will have nothing to complain about, because it’s entirely none of his business how much you need to sleep or how much time you spend in your room.
Info
All of this is very confusing. Why are you living with this man? What were the set expectations when you moved in? Are you in a country that is not where you are from? Are there any other issues or misunderstandings?
It’s hard to say who the asshole is here but clearly things are a little fishy and weird.
Info – What is your relationship to him and why are you living there? You’re not paying rent but are you contributing to any expenses (utilities or food costs). Are they dishes just yours? Who is handling the rest of the cleaning?
When you are dependent upon someone for a roof of your head the more relevant question is if you can afford for them to think you are an asshole.
If someone was letting me live rent free i would do next to anything to make that person happy. If that means doing the dishes whilst shitting my pants at the same time, thats exactly what im going to do.
I hope your health improves OP.
Paper plates . YTA
YTA.
I suffered anemia for years. I have dizzy/fainting spells, and major depressive disorder that makes me feel exhausted. I absolutely get how washing even just one plate and fork can feel overwhelming.
But there’s times when feeling exhausted and weak doesn’t mean you can stop. You had the energy to cook the food and wash what you cooked in. You ate. You can quickly hand wash one single plate and one utensil. If you have to rest before you do so, then rest. But not for over an hour. Not over night. It’s one plate and one utensil, and it’s a matter of keeping the only place you have to live right now.
YTA. Nothing in life is free. If you are not in a romantic relationship with this man and you are not paying rent, you need to pay for the privilege of living there through the work you do around the house. In other words, cooking food and cleaning up IS your job and you are literally calling in sick every day. That wouldn’t fly in a traditional workplace and you can be expected to be fired here as well by being kicked out.
I’m anemic (not a minor case either) and have been this way longer than you’ve been alive. Yes, it can lead to feeling very tired and out of it, but somehow I’ve been able to hold down a full time job, cook and clean with this condition for decades. I know others with it as well. If you are this debilitated by it despite taking iron pills, the answer isn’t to sleep the day away but, rather, return to your doctor because this isn’t normal.
How are you getting gastric bypass surgery and then being homeless and moving in with this guy and then moving to another country to get married? If this is all true, why didn’t you just move in with your fiancé n months ago?
I’ve read your post, and most of your comments, and I still don’t know what the deal is where you’re currently living. You said you live there rent-free, but clearly it’s NOT rent-free. He’s expecting SOMETHING from you over and above not making a mess and not making any extra work for him, even if that something isn’t money.
It’s not clear to me what that something is, or how much of it is required from you. Housework? Cooking? Translation services? Sex? Pretending to be his partner so that he can get a work permit or residency permit or citizenship?
You also said “*he doesnt want me to leave*” so clearly this arrangement is benefiting him in some way, despite his criticisms of you. That may work to your advantage.
You’re also contradicting yourself in your comments on this page. You said in your post above “*I told him if it realy bothers him, then i should leave*”, but you said in a separate comment “*Moving sooner is sadly not possible, i wish it was*”. So, saying “I should leave” was just a bluff, then? You wouldn’t actually go somewhere else because you don’t have anywhere else?
If you think he’s a reasonable person and not merely taking advantage of you (and frankly I have my doubts), you should be sitting down and clarifying with him what the living arrangements are. What exactly IS the deal? What exactly IS he expecting from you? Is it a fair deal? And can you meet your side of it or not?
You said in a separate comment “*I offered to pay rent but he refuses*”. So you clearly have SOME money, even if it’s not enough to rent or board somewhere else.
Can your fiancé add to this sum of money, so that you CAN afford to rent or board somewhere else?
Failing that, is it possible for you to return to the homeless shelter where you first met him? It’s only for four months.
And can you get better medical help to manage your symptoms?
If you genuinely have nowhere else to live for the next four months, and your fiancé can’t help, and your symptoms remain as they are now, then I think your best strategy is to do what you can when you can, accept that he’s going to criticize you and call you lazy, accept that you’ll never convince him otherwise, engage with him as little as possible, refuse to discuss it or argue about it, and count the days until you’re out of there for good.
If everything you’ve said is truthful, and you haven’t been exaggerating the situation, and you genuinely are trying your hardest, then I’m going to vote NTA.
But by gosh, your life is a mess. I read a lot of sad stories here on AITA, but this one is pretty grim.