Context: it’s my bfs (m 23), best mates bday today, and my bf has gone out to the pub to meet him and all of their friends. I (f 23) am at home and I am not feeling very well. I was meant to go meet them all too but I didn’t end up going because I just don’t feel right. Just before my bf was about to leave at around 5pm, a friend (let’s call him D), called him to ask if he could park outside our house, and said he was going to stay at his sisters (who doesn’t live far from us), because he lives out of town and taxis are expensive, he said he just needed somewhere to park, and obvs we said that was fine. Fast forward to 10pm, they are out at the pub, and I am on the verge of passing out at home, I’ve been in bed all evening feeling ill, Im fully ready for sleep (I suffer from insomnia so I have quite a particular routine for sleep). Around this time, my bf texts me saying that D is going to stay over and asks me if I could get the sheets ready in the spare room for him. I’m not feeling great about this as the house is a mess, especially the spare room, the sheets are fairly dirty and I am also feeling ill and I know I won’t get a good night sleep if I have anyone stay over. I am such a sensitive sleeper that even the slightest host anxiety is enough to keep me awake all night, or if I am woken in the middle of the night I wont be able to get back to sleep. I really wanted to have a good night sleep as I lost alot of sleep over the week, while working full time with some sleepless nights. After thinking about it I asked my bf why D couldnt stay at his sisters, and D said that apparently he hadnt even asked her before coming out, and that she now wasnt replying to him. A small part of me thinks he may have planned to stay here all along? It probs would have been chill if he had asked in advance so I could sort everything out beforehand and mentally prepare for a guest, but because i am feeling so ill I really just did not want a guest to unexpectedly stay round tonight. I asked my bf if it was okay if he asks D to try and stay with his sister or maybe ask someone else who is out. D isn’t really a close friend with me or my bf so it’s not like there should be any expectation that we let him stay, he came to our house for the first time last week and saw we had a spare room then. I know it can be horrible when your out and don’t have anywhere to stay, and I’ve definitely been in that situation before, so I am feeling quite guilty about this situation, but under these circumstances I feel that my reasons were valid. My bf didn’t really understand why I was saying this at first, and asked a good couple of times if I was sure and that he wouldn’t be any bother, but I know my own body and whats happened in the past, and this weekend in particular I needed to get good rest so my illness doesn’t carry on into monday for work. He eventually accepted it, but now I am lying in bed and kind of feel even worse because of the guilt. Am I the A hole?
NTA: Your BF put you in a difficult position and you did well to stand up for your needs.
FWIW, my wife would have cussed at me if I said I wanted a friend to sleep over when she was sick the house was a mess.
NTA.
Someone’s poor planning is not your emergency.
Did your bf know that you’re ill, had poor sleep, the house was a mess including dirty guest sheets? Because what the hell he shouldn’t even have offered. Even worst asked you to get the sheets ready for a guest at 10pm!!!
I’m in bed at 10pm who is inconsiderate enough to give a home owner work at 10pm at night.
I know you’re feeling guilty, but I’d rather feel guilty and on the recovery from your illness then to resent a guest because you can’t say no.
Or since the bf offered, he should be the one to prepare the sheets when he gets home. I think “hey D is going to stay the night. I wanted to let you know, but don’t worry about hosting. I’ll set up for him when we get back and tear down tomorrow. Sleep well” would’ve been a good compromise since it’s also his house.
NTA, but I’m finding you a bit precious, and that’s quite a bore
Spoken by a real troll.
NTA
“you can prepare the guest room if you want to, but I’m sick and in no condition to play host. I’m not your mom, I’m not your servant, don’t order me around!!!”
FYI: I usually love to host and have friends to stay, we have people to stay all the time, and I usually sleep badly but I just get on with it. It’s just this weekend in particular as Im so ill, the house is a mess and I’m really behind on sleep that I made this decision. Im probs feeling extra sensitive as I’m unwell lol
I’m right there with you. I have the flu currently with fever, cough so bad I can’t keep anything down, and have been sleeping like shit.
I also have an air mattress.
Does that mean I’m required to house someone for lack of plans? Fucking NO. You’re sick, you need to sleep and recover. You don’t need people all up in your shit right now. You do you.
NTA. Your BF and that friend of his are the As. If D lied about spending the night at his sister’s place, he’s definitely TA.
How about breaking this wall of text into paragraphs?
Your BF doesn’t have your back. This should be a two yes one no situation.
NTA, except to yourself.
Tell your bf that if his friend is going to stay, he needs to do the prep work for that. Say, “I’m sorry, I’m sick in bed, and I don’t want to contaminate the room with whatever I have and make your friend sick, too. If he needs a safe place to sleep, okay, but you’re going to have to be the host.”