ok so I’m 18, turning 19 soon and my birthday is coming up in a little over 2 weeks and normally my mom “helps” me plan stuff but really she just controls everything and she’s always been way more focused on my little brother (15) for example:spoiling him with gifts, outings, attention, everything and I basically get the leftovers of what she wants for me. Not what I want.
so this year I wanted a small party with just a few friends nothing crazy just food, games, some music. I sent her a message letting her know my plan and instead of helping she like went full control mode she started inviting distant relatives i havent seen in years insisting on a restaurant i hate trying to book a magician.. like what?? I tried saying no nicely and she goes “your brother never gets asked to compromise dont ruin his day. You owe me for all the times I helped you.” and then she literally sent me a 12 point list of things i needed to do like color scheme, party favors, gift table, who sits where, what songs can play, how to behave in front of family…my friends are rolling their eyes and honestly I’m fuming. The final straw was last week she bought my brother a custom skateboard with his name and fav design and i jokingly asked why i cant get anything similar and she goes “Don’t be greedy you’re old enough to appreciate what you have.” I snapped. so I decided i’m planning this party completely on my own. i told my mom shes not involved and she immediately called me selfish, ungrateful and dramatically ruining family tradition. My brother texted me and said he thinks its funny I’m finally standing up for myself. I feel like I’m finally taking control of something in my life but part of me worries I’m being unreasonable my mom is now ignoring my texts and i can already feel the passive aggressive comments coming from her at the party with my friends there. I can’t take it anymore. I dont even want her there altogether now. so AITAH if I refuse to let her plan my birthday party??
Update: do we think 2 parties (one fam, one friends) would be a fair trade? Does she even deserve that??? Just wondering because someone mentioned it!?
Update 2 : my mom just texted me and honestly I can’t even. She goes: "i just dont understand why you hate me so much over a birthday. you’re being dramatic. your brother never complains.”
like… she literally thinks this is about “hatred” and not years of her controlling everything and favoring him. my friends are dying reading this lol
Nta. Youre turning 19 and youre an adult. Why would you want a magician? Your mom is an asshole here, your day of birth is nothing to do with your brother🤷♀️
The magician part reallllly bothered me lol
I can imagine!! She definitely doesnt need to dictate what you do for your birthday, and honestly when I was 19 (im in the UK) i just went and got drunk with my friends! I know if youre in the states thats not (legally) possible but it was fun🤣
NTA. Your mom is over the top and very focused on herself. The party she is planning is for herself and not for you. I’m guessing she has a history of guilting and manipulating you. Keep standing up for yourself. She will up the ante, hoping to achieve satisfaction, but stand your ground. You’re an adult and will find your own magician for your party. LOL!
I’d just tell her that you’re going out with your friends (& don’t give her the details). If she wants a family party, she can do everything and give her a timeframe (x day, hours y-z).
Very definitely NTA. Even your brother thinks it’s about time you had a real birthday party.
Suggestion: Plan to have your party at some location other than your home. Don’t tell your mother the location.
I have considered this. I just feel bad and not sure how to go about it. But thanks for the input!!
NTA but the mom sure is. Even your brother seems to get it.
Thank you! That’s what I was thinking!
A magician 🤣
NTA at all, maybe just plan something separate with your friends. My kids usually get the plain family birthday gathering at their grandparents and we do the “fun” birthday party with their friends separately. And we always ask them what they want to do since it’s THEIR birthdays 👀. At home the birthday person gets to wear the almighty birthday crown and we make it a fun thing to wait hand and foot on them all day and bow when they walk by etc. I’m not really understanding why your brother gets celebrated on your birthday or why she’s referring to it as his day. Ideally he has his own birthday for her to swoon over 🤔
I would probably just drop the drama with mama and let her get your extended family tree to the restaurant she likes for your brother’s special day (lol) and then just plan something separate with friends, maybe one of them has the cool hang out house and can have it at theirs.
Wow I love your ideas and traditions! I definitely wish my mom thought this way long ago. I might propose this to her tho for the 2 diff parties! Thank you!!!!
you might want to check r/raisedbynarcissists
See if you can have a party at one of your friends houses and just don’t tell your mom. Also, time to plan your escape- I mean move out -if you want control over your own life.