So my mother spends a lot of time at my house. She practically moved into the guest room after my daughter was born. She slowed the visits down recently and it took over two years for her to back off. Now if I ever say no when asks to take my daughter to her house for a weekend, I’m mean. We got over that.
Today she invited my husband, 3 year old daughter and myself to spend the weekend with her via text message. I replied, did you forget about my fish?
She sent me a link to an automatic fish feeder on eBay.
She called me a little bit after saying that I should not be tied down to my house because of those fish. Like what if a funeral or something comes up where I have to travel an out of town. I said I’d ask a neighbor or friend to feed them. She ask me who do I trust enough to be in my house.
I will cross that bridge when I get there.
She argued that we are there now with me being invited to see her.
My exact words back were: even if I had an automatic feeder for my three fish tanks right now I still would not want to go to your house this weekend.
That’s when she called me mean.
I’ve been saying since day one that I’m sick and tired of having to defend my every move.
I just got a new Tang last night along with 2 bubble tip anemones and I need to monitor them.
I also work full time and currently taking 3 college courses online.
My mother was just at my house for 4 days less than a week ago because of the winter storm.
You need to tell your mother directly, otherwise this will never end. She has a point about the fish though. She clearly misses you, and wants you around, and until you can stop making excuses and start telling the truth that you don’t want to this weekend, she is always going to offer solutions to the issues that cause you to not be there. You told us, a bunch of strangers, now go and tell her.
Well… It doesn’t really make sense to me that you’re using your fish as an excuse here.
A) it seems exactly that, an excuse, as opposed to a legitimate reason.
B) this will be brought up the second you go on some sort of weekend trip/vacation anywhere else (you go camping, go to disneyworld, whatever). “But what about your fish???”.
You gotta have a long talk with her and be direct about such things.
I don’t know that you’re an asshole, and while as you describe things, mom sounds rather needy, I don’t know that she necessarily is either. Talk with her about you simply wanting time with just you and the fam. IF she pulls the guilt trip “you’re being mean”, you can reasonably defend yourself and tell her that her perception is not reality.
NAH
Why does OP have to have ANOTHER long discussion about why this visit isn’t happening? Why can’t Mom just accept “no” for an answer? OP can refuse to visit with literally zero reason at all and would still not be an AH
OP has to have another talk with their mother because clearly the first one didn’t work.
It’s not really the fish, BUT their mother will weaponize the fish excuse for sure. So better that OP meet the problem head-on (AGAIN) and try to nip it in the bud (AGAIN).
And yes, sometimes it takes many many times for an entrenched pattern of behaviour to be broken. It’s not always perfect on the first try.
(Besides if that were true and it only ever took one talk, parents would only need to speak to their children about any/an issue once. Bahahaha!!!).
A tentative NTA. If you don’t feel like hanging out with her, and you’ve seen her recently, there should be no obligation or guilt-tripping about you choosing to stay at home that weekend.
However, the way you communicated this does seem a little blunt. Perhaps you could have said something like ‘I’m planning to have some downtime at the weekend’. It clearly isn’t just about the fish, and your mother deserves to know the real reason.
Yep, this is it… you could have politely declined but you made a point to make a dig at her about your fish which was emotionally manipulative so clearly it’s an emotional response instead of a grounded “thanks for the invite but we have plans”
NTA. You need to set some hard boundaries with her. Like, a set number of visits/days per month. Or only you are allowed to initiate arrangements. This will only get worse and worse.
You said no, your mom isn’t accepting that. NTA
NTA
You’re an adult with the family you’ve made, and you get to choose how to spend your time. Your mom sounds exhausting too. But, don’t blame the fish. Just have a clear discussion with your mom about boundaries and guardrails for your relationship, including consequences for violating them.
YTA because you are clearly not communicating the real issues in your relationship. Have a calm, mature conversation with your mother about her boundaries.
Why are you using your fish as an excuse? You’re an adult. Just say no. I’m leaving NTA for this situation but you kinda seem like an ass to your mom. Why don’t you like her?
NTA. For not visiting and NTA for needing to be with your saltwater fish. It’s painfully clear that the commenters here aren’t familiar with saltwater tanks, fish or the associated necessities and costs. Mom clearly doesn’t respect you, your hobby or your choices.
Lots of others have made suggestions on setting boundaries with your mom. How/if you choose to go about that is up to you. I would add that it does seem like it may be time.
YTA. You need to have an actual, honest conversation with your mother and stop hiding behind Nemo and Dory.
She shouldn’t pressure you to visit; an invitation is not a summons.
You need to have a real conversation with her instead of using your fish as an excuse.
ESH.