I’m a 20F university student with about a year left before I graduate. I still live with my parents and am financially dependent on them for now. I’m hoping to get a job in the next few months so I can eventually move out.
Growing up, my household was very conflict-heavy. There was a lot of arguing, and as a kid I often felt like I had to step in and mediate between my parents. As I got older, I realized that doing this was taking a toll on my mental health, and as an adult I stopped trying to fix or manage their issues.
For context, I’ve always been a “good kid”: good grades, no trouble at school, no substance use, no risky behavior. Lately, instead of engaging, I’ve mostly kept to myself. I stay in my room, focus on my studies, and try to mind my own business. They don’t even let me lock my door, and they tend to monitor my phone and laptop, which makes me feel like I don’t have much privacy.
Over the past few months, I’ve started talking to them less and emotionally distancing myself. Honestly, this has helped my mental health a lot, and I feel calmer and happier. However, now they’re upset and asking why I won’t talk to them. They act like everything is normal, ask about my day, and say that *they’re* hurt or depressed because I’ve withdrawn.
I’m torn. Part of me wonders if I should just pretend everything is fine and make conversation until I can move out, since I still rely on them financially. Another part of me feels like continuing to distance myself is the only way I can protect my mental health right now.
So, AITA for choosing to stay emotionally distant from my parents while still living under their roof?
NTA. Financial control is something many parents use to keep their kids under control. As those kids grow, they tend to want to be out from underneath the thumb of those parents. It’s also hard for them to accept and deal with kids becoming adults and creating their own lives. Just get a job, move out and stop sharing location etc. Respond kindly when they freak out. Just keep saying that you are an adult making your way through life the same way they did.
NTA. You are an adult, and should not be controlled by your parents like that. If they are depressed about you keeping a distance, they should be asking themselves why this is the case rather than making you feel to blame for their feelings. You aren’t responsible for their dysfunctional feelings.
They’re adults who are used to their child managing their feelings for them. They need to be responsible for themselves.
You’re NTA, brush it off as “growing up” when talking to them. You shouldn’t be expected to share everything forever.
Completely different circumstances with the same result here. Grew up in fostercare and things were not so great. I left at 19 and never went back, I’m 32 now and have a few things to say.
1. I miss my family. Even though I understand why I won’t go back, it doesn’t make it hurt less years later. My family won’t be at my wedding, in my kids lives and I won’t be at theirs. This sucks and I don’t wish it on anyone.
2. Without a support system I had to figure out life on my own, each step. This was good and bad. It was good because i became someone semi unlike most. I traveled a lot not being held anywhere, I got to do many things that most people probably won’t. There’s a freedom there that cannot be replicated when you have people.
3. I tried over the years at different points to fix things, to go back knowing years had passed and likely they have grown like I have. They did not. Any opportunity to criticize or judge me was promptly used, anything about me they did not like was questioned even if it has worked for me in life. They were for all intended purposes the exact same people doing the same bs. I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t left, if I would have had to deal with it for the last 14 odd years. I’m grateful that is not my life, I’m grateful and sad.
There’s pros and cons for sure. I hope you find your way, I’m quite sure you will. I’m sorry if this isn’t more helpful.
NTA. Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? I used to feel responsible for my parents’ emotional well-being and it was destroying me. Some therapy and that book helped me step away and become a much healthier and happier adult. Does your university have mental health services? A therapist can help you navigate those relationships.
It seems that asserting independence in all these areas at once is likely to anger them, so you probably need to do this one step at a time…
Start with something under your control – “I haven’t been talking with you that much because I don’t like hearing you argue or have issues with each other; I’m willing to spend more time with you, but understand that I will leave the room if you start doing that.”
Once you get a job, save absolutely every penny you can.
Once you have enough money, get your own phone plan. Even a prepaid phone or month-to-month plan with usage limits is better than having them snoop on your phone.
When you have enough savings to buy a suitable laptop (new, used, or refurbished), tell your parents that you’ll be changing the password(s) on your current laptop; if they complain, tell them “OK, I’ll return this one to you and buy my own.”
NTA – and good luck.
I highly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It helped me set healthy boundaries and expectations for my family
NTA, you’re an adult and they cannot control you the rest of your life, keep your peace
Stay emotionally distant. Speaking from my own experience this is a vitally important step for you. It needs to be done. And depending on what your parents are like, in the long run it might even be good for them. NTA.
NTA. It sounds like you’re the victim of triangulation: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation\_(psychology)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology))