I’m divorced. Two daughters. One is 18, one is 15. Their dad, Jerome, has decided that the best way to “move on” is to turn everyday parenting into a power contest with me.
He doesn’t yell at me in person. He does something better. He rewrites reality, delays basic decisions, dumps responsibility onto the kids, and then accuses me of harassment when I ask questions that any functional parent would ask.
Examples from the last few months:
• My daughter was injured during his parenting time. She sent me photos of her ankle swelling. I told him she needed urgent care. He delayed it for over 8 hours. He never contacted me. His wife gave the updates instead.
• When my daughter asks him about clarinet lessons or her learner’s permit, he deflects with “I’ll talk to her” instead of answering me directly. He keeps pushing adult responsibilities onto a teenager so he doesn’t have to engage.
• When I calmly assert a boundary or say I’ll continue communicating as a parent, he calls it “harassment” and tells me to stop texting. I stop. Then he sends another message accusing me of harassment again. It’s like DARVO in real time.
• He tells the girls I’m “the bitch.” Not to my face. To our daughters.
• He accuses me of “passing messages through the kids” while actively making the kids carry communication because he won’t talk to me.
• He gets furious when I buy the girls things he doesn’t want to help pay for, then complains I’m “costing him too much money.” Meanwhile he claims his parents raised him with nothing so the kids should just deal.
• He literally told me I was “contaminating his house with my money.”
• He tried to tell me I’m only allowed to contact him about bills. Not about school. Not about medical care. Not about our kids.
This is not co-parenting. This is control with a clipboard.
The worst part is watching my daughters try to manage his moods. They’re careful about what they tell me because they’re scared he’ll punish them. My older daughter plays peacekeeper. My younger one still tells me everything and then worries about getting in trouble for it.
I’m not trying to “win.” I’m trying to keep my kids emotionally safe while their father uses silence, contempt, and false accusations to feel powerful.
He doesn’t realize he’s teaching them exactly who he is.
I used to shrink to keep things calm. Now I don’t. And suddenly I’m the problem.
Funny how that works.
NTA Collect everything, document and engage a lawyer.
NTA. The girls are at an age where the judge will heavily take what they want into consideration
I’m having a hard time telling if this is fake or if you’re really easy to bait. If your daughters are actually 18 and 15, then why the split custody? If your ex is so awful, then it would be apparent and your children would be able to advocate for being full time with you. Actually, the 18 year old can just decide that on her own.
Anyway, I have decided this is fake. Who uses those dots between sentences? That scans like AI.
I’ve been the youngest in this situation and due to my dad’s abusive personality and actions, we were scared to rock the boat. We had to play happy families or he screamed, hit us (when we were younger), or threatened self harm to himself when we were teenagers.
With the dots, maybe though. The rest reads like what I went through as a teen.
With the split custody, my mum has to go through her solicitor for everything, couldn’t afford to go back and change it, or didn’t realise how much I was suffering because I hid it. It’s only years later that stress realised how bad it was or that we realised we could have had a voice. We were all just so scared of that man.
I feel like this would be one of the easiest cases for a custody modification based on parental alienation ever. Document all of this, keep the texts (especially about him delaying medical care) and if you don’t have a lawyer, get one.
If you have a formal custody agreement about shared expenses, he’s just going to have to deal. If you don’t have one, you need to get one. I’d even feel a little sympathy for him if you didn’t have a legal agreement and you’re just buying whatever and sending him a bill for half without him getting any input on where his money is being spent… in isolation.
Reddit isn’t going to do much beyond validate that you’re completely correct to be frustrated and that this dynamic isn’t healthy, but if you want the issues fixed, you need to take legal action. NTA but you would be if you let this continue.
You need legal advice
I was one of the girls in this situation. I wish I had been told that I didn’t have to go over anymore and it was my choice, or that his actions weren’t healthy but my mum was in a similar situation (but he had the money and she struggled).
If you can afford it, take them to therapy and tell the therapist that you want what’s best for them – if that includes you needing guidance on how to support them to tell you what you can do but you want what’s best for the girls.
I wish I had known that I didn’t have to go to my dad’s and honestly I had to go around twice a week. I would go and hide in the shed when I came home and cry. I struggled with setting up healthy boundaries and got caught in a very abusive relationship.
Tell your girls if they ever want to change the set up or help with setting up healthy boundaries, you are there for them but you will only follow their lead.
But please get them into therapy. All this really messed me up and in still trying to heal after so many years of being no contact with my dad.
Let your daughters decide if they want to live with him , likely not. NTA he is a narcissist
Document everything, like delayed medical attention. Stop using text, get a co-parenting app. Lawyer up and sue for full custody if that is what your girls want. At there age a judge will almost blindly agree, even more so with what you have described.
You need to talk to your lawyer and get an order that all communications go through a parenting app.
It’s probably good that you point out these inconsistencies between words and actions to your daughters, with the simple lesson of “just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s true”. The 18 year old is certain old enough to hear it, and the 15 is sadly too, even if only because you’re modeling a relationship that you would never want for them to repeat or have to go through. Point out these inconsistencies and hypocrisies. They need to know.
You know you’re NTA. Or at least you know that you haven’t give us readers any indication that you could be.
I’m in Australia and once kids are teenagers they can decide which parent to live with or which parent to visit and can even opt to live with someone else another family member or even friends home. There is no more court orders. It’s only for children up to 12.
I find it odd as these kids are young adults and can speak for themselves?
Especially the 18 year old.
Maybe get a restraining order on the Dad to protect you all.
As the mum find out everyone’s rights.
The reason it’s happening is because you are allowing the EX to have a major vote on their lives and yours.
You are not an AssH but you are not teaching your kids to stand up either and you & they suffer because of it. One day they may even blame you for not protecting them. 🤷♀️ Good luck with it all but you need to do something to stop it in its tracks. It’s up to you. Be interested to know what country you are in? If your child is worried about getting into trouble why are you telling him? Why even bother with him? These are young adults. He is your EX and you should keep him a distant annoying bug. Only text him about bills. If anything happens at his place don’t tell him what to do, he won’t do it because it’s you telling him. Dont ask him questions, Just listen and say thanks for letting me know, if he says come and get her ,go get her. Don’t ask any questions of the kids and don’t have them give him messages, thats tough on them. You text him. Why are you playing this aweful game. You don’t even have to get angry , just agree and then do what you want anyway say something like.” Ok I’ll look into it.” Then forget it. If he brings it up you can say ” I respect your opinion but I uphold my own. Thanks for the input. ” let him be him. He is not your life, change your behaviour like he died and you now do things without him. If you can’t afford gifts for the kids or what ever then be honest with them. Don’t ask him. They will be much happier than the horrible turmoil they are living everyday and only have one of you to change it. Be the change.
NTA First try not to engage. Then sit your daughters down and apologize for the situation making it clear that you want them to feel safe, cared for, loved, and not in the middle of a tug of war. Tell them you are going to do everything in your power to stop the uncomfortable stuff.
Finally make it clear that if they are uncomfortable or need something they can contact you 24/7 and you will intervene. They are old enough and smart enough to tell which parent cares and which one is just being petty and hateful.