AITA: I live with my boyfriend and his brother. It is a pretty chill living situation for the most part…except when I have guests over. His brother always includes himself without asking. I’m gonna be honest he’s not my favorite person, he is lacking in social skills talks about people nobody knows like we should, talks over people, doesn’t listen and makes every story about himself. Tonight I had 8 friends over for a night of grilling and hanging out. We bought nice steaks, I made fresh bread, sides and dessert. He completely inserted himself into the entire evening without even asking and even sat down and got himself food. It’s so awkward. My friends are not too fond of him either..bc the way he acts he’s not a bad guy just a little socially inept. When he has friends over I give them space and don’t linger or eat their food and honestly I don’t want to hangout with them anyways. I feel bad for not wanting him around we are just very different and I don’t think the way he does things is appropriate. I would be less annoyed with the situation tonight if he has at least asked to eat. How do I set a boundary with him nicely?
EDIT: for context we all equally pay the same amount in rent. We do not share meals and had an issue with this early on and then set that boundary. We all moved into this house at the same time.
NTA. Honestly your boyfriend should be the one addressing this with his brother. It shouldn’t all fall on you.
Normally I’d agree with this, but they’re room mates, so I think it does fall to op to handle boundaries. It might be weird to have op’s bf insert himself into an issue that doesn’t really concern him.
Op, you may have to be very direct about it. Something like, “hey, ____, I wanted to talk to you about when I have friends over. It’s important to me that we get to spend time together, without other people. Sometimes I want to do things without my bf too. I’d appreciate if you asked before inserting yourself into our group stuff, and before eating things I’ve made.”
ESH. he shouldn’t be inserting himself into your meal, however it’s also his home and you don’t get to control what he does in his home. You’ve intentionally not mentioned the financial aspect of your living arrangements, which will also have additional bearing on people’s votes.
What do you mean by financial aspects? We all split rent evenly, he did not financially contribute to this meal at all.
Living in a home with a roommate doesn’t mean you need to cling to their guests and lack boundaries, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you’re entitled to eat the food they’re serving their guests, which I’m gonna guess OP paid for
YTA he lives there and probably considers you to be family given that you are coupled up with his brother and you live as a family unit. Do you share a fridge? Are foods shared? If yes then of course he is going to help himself when you prepared a spread for a hangout at his house. If you don’t want him around, hang out somewhere else.
Soft YTA. Boundaries about food seem reasonable, but you cannot ban him from common spaces; it is his home, too.
Info: what does your boyfriend think about his brother’s behavior? Has he tried to speak with him?
It’s his place too, since he pays rent. So either have a party at your friends’ place or just talk directly to him.
Hey xxx, when you have your friends over I won’t be joining your party and can you do the same?
He might wanna know why and feeling hurts. But I assume he’s an adult so you can leave it at that.
Ofc, he has the right to be in common area but after you asked him not to join your party he shouldn’t insert himself for conversation nor food.
YTA: The fact he even allows you to have multiple guests over means he’s chill.
I’ve had 20 roommates in my life. Not a single one of them would be cool with being told that
If a roommate ever told me they were going to invite a bunch of people into my home and I wasn’t allowed to talk to them. There would be serious discussions about now having parties going forward
YTA, but gently.
You all pay equal rent. That makes this his home too. If there’s a social gathering happening in a common area of a shared house, he is not “inserting himself.” He is existing in his own living space.
The part where you become unreasonable is expecting him to ask permission to sit in his own home or eat food that is openly available during a group event happening in shared space.
Now, that does not mean your feelings are invalid.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy terms, what I see is personalization and control bias. You’re interpreting his social awkwardness as something being done to you, rather than just who he is. And you’re wanting to control the social environment to avoid discomfort.
You also may be engaging in mind reading, assuming your friends are judging you because of him. That may be true, but that anxiety is amplifying your irritation.
The real issue is not that he’s there. The issue is that you don’t enjoy his presence socially.
Those are two different things.
If you want fully private gatherings without him around, the only clean way to do that in a shared house is to either:
Host in your bedroom or private space.
Give him advance notice and ask if he’d mind giving you a few hours.
Occasionally host elsewhere.
But it cannot be framed as a rule that he cannot exist in common areas when you have people over.
As for the food, if you truly do not share meals, then yes, it’s reasonable to clarify that when you host, the food you purchase is for invited guests. But that conversation should be logistical, not emotional.
Something like:
“Hey, when I host dinners and buy specific food for guests, I’d appreciate if you checked with me before helping yourself since we don’t usually share meals.”
That’s a boundary.
But “don’t hang around when I have friends over” is not a boundary in shared housing. That’s a preference that requires negotiation, not enforcement.
Living with roommates means tolerating some social overlap you wouldn’t choose.
You’re not wrong for being annoyed.
But he’s not wrong for being present in his own home.
NTA
I’d suggest a conversation. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about when we have guests over. I noticed you like to come hang out and join in when I have friends over. Sometimes that’s going to be totally fine and we’ll invite you, but other times we’re looking forward to having some time to ourselves. I can’t stop you from being in common spaces in the house, but if I’ve made food or am having a gathering with friends doing a specific activity, I would prefer if you did not join in unless invited.”
Bringing your boyfriend into the conversation will also be good. Not to gang up on his brother, but just to let him know what’s going on and to ensure he’s not getting a different version of events from bro.
YTA. It’s both your home, so you don’t get to exclude him from the common living space. I get that’s frustrating, but it’s the price you pay for having roommates.
You can – and should – require him to pay a share of the food he consumes if he doesn’t think of offering that.
Beyond the fact that it’s his house and he can be there and so what he wants, YTA for saying that he’s got no social skills and then expecting him to pick up on social cues without ever talking about any of them with him.
Use your words.