So, I 23M met this girl at work 23F, she is the secretaty for a client that I perform maintenece for, since the first time I saw her she gave me the chills and made shake, she is reaaally pretty, and since the first time we became good friends, I am a quiet but charismatic guy, I dont talk a lot, but I was trying to put an efffort to talk to her and become closer and somehow make her interested on me, I have asked her out in luch time, taking her to the restaurant were all my co worked eat, we have had fun and talked a lot (that was the first time), my second move was to actually ask her out in a date, but I felt like she was trying to avoid me, because If you are interested in a person, you somehow find the time (at least a little) to spend with them, anyways after that first luch we have been mildly flirty with eachother. I told her I like her smile, her eyes that she is smart and so on… (if you have read untill here hold on here comes the best part), so I asked for a second luch date. I was planning to go with the crew but she told me she wanted to go together alone. There she told me all the struggles she has gone through since she arrived at this country by herself, how she had a lot of different jobs to pay her career as a pilot, how a lot of people took advantage of her and how she spent a lot of money irresposibly, I was stunned by this but I could Imagined that all she told me was to cover a deeper thruth, after that lunch date I kept being flirty and she was too, I was still insisting in a proper date at nigth nothing crazy, just us chilling arround, but she always would put excuses to not go like she gotta work in the weekend, she has events and stuff like that.
Leaving work after a few days she calls me to check how I was going (small pit talk), I ask how was her day at work, and I asker if she likes her job as a secretary, she does, she works with nice people, I asked if she likes her other job (she told me she was a server at a restaurant before), she sigthed and told me no, I said whats wrong with it…. HERE is were my hell broke loose, she struggled to tell me at first but finally confessed that in the weekends she was a dancer, what type of dancer? I asked… an exotic dancer/stripper? She told me how she started when she was just 18 and recently arrived to this country, she was lonely and paying off pilot school. And how people screw her over and over. She was maried to get the recidency and had a boyfriend that stole all her money, how her friend introduced her in the stripping world, how a client payher to fuck her girlfiend and became lesbian for a moment before her girlfriend screwed her up, how she had to do drugs and alcohol to please clients, how she had regular clients, the money she made, how she wasted it in the wrong people. At that point I was just listening, stunned but hearing her out. She confesses me in that very same call that she also likes me, I was speechless, I have never been told that before… and I like her a lot too, after all she is smart, beautifull and funny. I kept listening to her but I had to leave the call, my phone was gonna die.
I am too scared if she actually sold her body for money or prostituded herself, she still doing all that to pay school and debth, but Idk, I fell like Im in a "I can fix her" situation, both of us can help eachother in out aviation careers, she doesnt like what she is doing, she wants to leave but she likes and needs the money it gives, should I try to build something with her, help each other and become successfull togethee even though she has done all those things? I am in a huge dilema now, I like her sooo much and so she does. Idk what to do.
Brother walk away. You can’t fix her. There are billions of other women.
And millions of women like this one too. Story as old as time.
Your male protector-mode is now activated with this girl. You are not thinking straight. Relax, stand back from all the stories/etc and introspect about this girl with clarity and reason… not with a ‘I can save her’ attitude.
Walk away. In fact, *run* away. As pretty as she may be, you need to walk away. Just do it. Sympathy is nice. Empathy is even better. Stupidity is where you’re headed.
This whole thing sounds like an elaborate backstory…..one thing is in common with everything she’s said: her.
She is the single common denominator. I see no accountability, responsibility, nor acknowledgement of her own actions. “Oh, but she was 18!” Come the Hell on. Besides, 5 years is a LONG time to keep doing things like that and *no one* notices or sees.
You can’t fix her. Don’t try. There’s 8.3 BILLION people in the world. You can find another one, or another one may find you. Get out of there.
It’s so long to read, but the truth is you never try to fix a woman. Find a woman that’s already got everything.
I find her story a little hard to believe. (Sounds like she’s trying to catfish you into giving her money.) But just for the hell of it, let’s say it all happened exactly like she said.
Then what? Or now what? How are you going to help her? By being a sucker and throwing money at her? That’s a fools quest and I’ll tell you why.
1) If she hung out with the wrong people and they took advantage of her, used her, and/or spent her money, how is that not going to happen again? Or how are you guaranteed that it won’t happen again? Maybe she still associates with some of those people?
2a) How does giving her money, help YOU?
2b) If you think giving her money is helping you because it makes you look like her knight in shining armor coming to “save the day” you’re wrong. What it looks like, is you being a sugar daddy that gives her money and getting nothing in return. She quickly learns that she doesn’t have to work for anything, and that you’ll just give her money based on a sob story.
2c) If you become a sugar daddy as I explained above, how do you know she doesn’t have 3 other sugar daddy’s doing the exact same thing for her?
3) Once you start giving a woman money, to help with one little thing or two little things, it never stops! Their problems and debts keep getting bigger and bigger. You’ll NEVER be able to stop. Because if/when you try to stop, she’ll guilt trip you. For instance, she’ll say “What’s wrong honey, don’t you love me anymore?” or “It’s only 50 more dollars than last month. You can’t afford 50 more dollars? Then maybe you can’t afford me being your girlfriend!” Etc.
Making you look like a bad guy or a liar, or insinuating you don’t even really love her.
(Trust me, like a SUCKER, I’ve been through it. To hell and back my friend!)
4) It takes a long time to build trust, to really get to know somebody.
Hell, even after me dating a woman in a committed relationship for 2-3 years, and I thought I knew *everything* about them, even the deepest darkest secrets…. Then one day comes along, they whip up a sob story about all their bills and how in debt they are (similar to your friend), and it hits me, I just realized I didn’t know her at all.
Women are EXPERTS at lying and deception. It goes back to Adam and Eve.
5) If you wouldn’t help out one of your close guy friends financially, who had the exact same sob story as her, then it doesn’t make sense to help her at all! (You’ve known your guy friends 10-20 years longer.)
Here’s the best advice anybody’s going to give you. Be her friend. Get to know her. Grow the friendship, go have fun, be silly, let her cry on your shoulder if she needs to. And maybe over time, you can be the rock in her life. The one person she can depend on. For emotional support, good advice, and somebody who has her best interests in mind. Be the good friend that steers her in the right direction in life. (Not a bank that gives away free money.) You may even go with her on that journey. She will respect you, and cherish your friendship. Or whatever it turns into.
Once you start giving away free money that’s it. You can’t take it back. She’ll always think of you as her own little cash register that she can pull money out of, anytime she wants. Then some other guy will swoop in and be her cash register, to help get her away from you.
Like I said, I’ve been there. This is the only way it will turn out. So please, stop it before it starts! (Being the free ATM cash machine I mean.)
PS. Whether or not her story is true, all the reasons I gave above, still apply.
++man I apreciate your advice, and its all true, are way too many red flags, we have been in 2 luch brakes “dates” and casual flirting, why is she dropping this bomb at this early point of meeting her? This made me reflection a lot. Thanks dude, because of this I migth become a little cash register if I keep going, I like her as a person, charismatic, and I would love to make her mine spiritually and sexually, but I will stand down for now and maybe forever.
We live in a broken world, life puts us in hard situations, survival situations in that case, ive never experienced being that low in life to have to do those things, but i really believe most good people have struggles, she was open with you with here life situation, and that’s a really green flag, but this is a double edged sword, it’s a dangerous territory, there’s multiple scenarios, my advice to you is, if you are strong enough to be able to get over her past, understand her, you could be a that person that changes her life, and show her there is good people that care about her and not take advantage of her, this in the scenario where she is a genuine good person, but there’s also the posibility she is not a good person? That’s why you need to know her really well, and if she can make the decision to overcome those negative things in her life, and build something good with you, i would say everyone deserves a second chance and a chance for a better future without judgement, But keep in mind you are taking the risk, you have a lot to lose too, so it’s up to you if you are going to take the risk, being 90% she is not gonna change and just take advantage of you, and 10% she will become the best version of herself and build something together, being you the factor that changed her life!
Be careful she sounds like she might be a user.
It sounds like she’s already left a few in her wake.
I like how nothing in her story is her fault, she’s just taken advantage of by everyone.
Look into the “drama triangle.” You’ll most likely end up in it, and it’s amongst the most toxic relationship problems
No matter how pretty she is, there’s some guy out there who’s sick of her shit.
The internal conflict you’re going through? That’s your intuition screaming at you because your body is all caught up even though you’re walking through a forest of red flags.
Bro, get ahold of yourself.