I (28F) could really use outside perspective. My boyfriend (35M) and his close friend (32F) both think some texts I sent were inappropriate/aggressive. Since they agree, I assume I messed up, but I genuinely don’t understand what about it came across that way (for context I’m autistic and do genuinely need detailed explanations of obvious things sometimes). I’d appreciate some help so I don’t repeat the mistake.
Background: My boyfriend (“Dan”) has been close friends with “Tess” for years. Early there was some question of whether they’d date, but nothing ever happened. I’m okay with that as he is definitely not interested in her now. However, they used to spend every Christmas together (along with Tess’s other friends). During our first year dating, Dan forgot our own Christmas plans and booked flights with her anyway. I let it go. During that trip, Tess tried to hold his hand while drunk (once, never again).
This January, Tess visited us and stayed at our place. Dan and I agreed ahead of time that he’d spend Day 1 of the 3 days she was here alone with her and I’d be included in the other 2.
On Day 2, I told Dan I’d sleep in due to a medication issue and said they should go to breakfast without me and I’d join afterward. He agreed. I told him I’d be up by 11am at latest. I woke up to an empty house at 10:30 as expected. He called me at 11am asking if I wanted anything from the store on their way back. I thanked him and said no. Several hours then passed with no update. I waited at home assuming they were on their way home with the car and would be back any minute. Eventually I texted asking if I’d see them at all that day. When I finally heard back from Dan I had decided I should just do the things I’d been putting off while waiting for them and had just stepped out for my walk. I didn’t want to tell them to come get me when they’d have to wait on me to get home.
Here are the texts (sorry can’t attach a screenshot):
Me: When are you coming home? Will I see you at all today? I thought y’all were just getting breakfast
Him (20 min later): We’re thinking of taking a walk by the river. Shall we pick you up?
Me: It’s fine, I’m already out at this point and after that I’ll probably apply to jobs and stuff
Me: For context though, I might’ve wanted to be included in activities earlier in the day and probably will around dinner at least if that’s okay with everyone
Him: We’ll all get dinner together. Tess just spontaneously wanted to go a few places we passed after breakfast
Him: I’ll include you for anything you like
Me: Okay thank you
Dan later told me my messages were aggressive and showed them to Tess, who agreed. I wasn’t trying to accuse or guilt anyone; I was trying to express that I was a little disappointed I wasn’t included earlier but without hurling around accusations or making it a huge deal (bc it wasn’t, I understand it wasn’t intentional!). But clearly it didn’t land that way.
My question: What specifically about my texts comes across as aggressive or inappropriate? How could I have communicated this better?
TL;DR: My boyfriend and his close female friend think my texts were aggressive. I don’t see it, but since they both agree, I want help understanding what I did wrong and how to communicate better next time.
Nothing aggressive at all in your text about wanting to be included. It sounds like dan and Tess are feeling protective of their relationship…
They were not aggressive. The first one I sort of see how you could interpret it as someone being hurt or a little accusatory (possibly), but none of them were aggressive
Honey he is an asshole. You did and said nothing wrong.
Your boyfriend abandoned you at christmas to be with the woman he is still emotionally involved with more than once. He booked flights to be with her without thinking about his gf…WTAF.
Then he has her on your home for xmas and abandons you?
You were absolutely right to question where they were and if you would see them
Sorry but I think they’re still attached. Id leave him to it with her and he should side with you not her.
A) I find it kind of inappropriate that he showed Tess the messages. A private conversation between the two of you should not be shared to get her opinion on it, before he even talks to you about his feelings about how you might have come off. If he said to you, right off the bat, “hey this message comes off kind of aggressive, did you mean it that way?” and you responded in a way that called into question that interpretation, only then would I understand him reaching out to someone else for their opinion. I still don’t think it should be Tess, because frankly, their dynamic and history is very sus, but again, there are some situations I could understand him asking for feedback, but not without talking to YOU first.
B) Your text does not come off as aggressive to me. It comes off as direct. You outright stated your issue, telling him you would have appreciated being included in plans earlier, rather than them making plans that kept them out longer than previously indicated. Let’s be honest here; the reason why this comes off as ‘aggressive’ is because they feel defensive about what they did. And it seems to me like the reason they feel defensive is because they don’t feel as if what they did would be seen as benign or innocent without some sort of defense to excuse it.
If I went out for a walk with a friend while my girlfriend was at home, and she messages me “hey I would have liked to have been included in those plans” I would have said “oh my bad! Kind of got caught up in the moment, I’m sorry!” and admitted my misstep. I wouldn’t feel like my girlfriend voicing her needs or disappointment was ‘aggressive’, when said in the way you did. If you were cursing, passive aggressive, etc, that would be different and sure, anyone would be a bit on the defense for that. But simply saying “hey I would have appreciated a call. I’m going to go do my own thing for now since you are already in the middle of something, but let’s convene for dinner” would have gotten me to acknowledge my mistake and I wouldn’t feel the need to defend myself, because I didn’t have any ulterior motives. But this stinks of projection. They both know that they are behaving in a way that disregards you and your place in his life as his partner.
I don’t know man, I find it weird that he keeps making her his priority and his focus, leaving you high and dry.
Wow thanks for your detailed response! I’m just really confused at this point and don’t know what to think. I appreciate your suggestion about an alternative way to word it. What he said Tess claimed is that there were way less aggressive ways to ask what they were doing and this helps me see maybe an alternative there?
I’m just at the point where it’s hard to trust my judgment. I honestly really liked Tess and didn’t get the impression at all that she’d say something like this with bad motives
Have you always been prone to questioning your own judgement? If so, or even if it’s only recently or in this case, examine why. Also consider where doubting your own judgement may lead if it continues or gets worse. Please nip that in the bud now.
She may not realize she has bad motives? But her priority is him, not you so she is going to side with him over you. Also lots of good qualities in people are still consistent with the possibility they do not have your interests at heart.
I don’t think anything was aggressive or inappropriate, but perhaps blunt. But I would expect and desire that level of bluntness and clarity 2 years in a relationship. And I think it is inappropriate for him to show his texts with you to his close friend, specifically because even if he finds issue with your tone, that issue can easily be dealt with between the two of you by simple communication. There’s no need to involve others, especially if he perceives these texts to be negative which would paint you in a bad light. If she is into him, of course she will agree with him if it makes you look bad or even just makes him feel like he has yes-man in his corner.
Okay yeah I did feel he messed up by showing her the texts. I try pretty hard not to make him look bad especially to people he has to interact with. And if he needs to vent or get another perspective I’d rather he show a male friend?
Yes, when it comes to minor infractions I don’t mention them or ask for opinions from people who see him frequently because I simply trust myself and my bf to solve things maturely. But some people might have a different philosophy on that, which is ok, but it’s still inappropriate (and from a practical level, not useful) to bring up issues like that to someone you have any sort of romantic context with.
Like even if she claims not to be, there is always a risk of inherent bias because she (confirmed) had some sort of romantic interest in him, so it makes no sense to go to her for advice or confirmation on what he thinks of the texts if he has other friends who are less likely to be biased. I think you are a clear and mature communicator and I’m a little suspicious of the boundaries or lack thereof between him and the infamous girl best friend…
Nothing aggressive to me. They study unthusiastically and excessively thoughtful. The question appears to be on Dan topping up the agreement and subsequently recast your reasonable disappointment as a problem. It is also not right to show Tess the messages and ask her to assess them. You tactfully conveyed a limit and it went against your head.
I think Jess has her claws into Dan, or is trying to. She saw the texts and convinced him they were aggressive, this comes from her not him and for some reason he’s taking her side. Your texts aren’t aggressive, they have gone back on an arrangement and are trying to turn the tables making you look out of order. Whether Dan is into Tess or not I don’t know, but he’s put her before you.
The only thing I can see is the will I see you at all today? But even that isn’t aggressive it’s just showing you felt left out which may just be a miscommunication between you all
There’s nothing wrong with your texts. Your boyfriend cares more about her feelings than yours. It’s also inappropriate for him to show her your messages at all, considering their history. He is 100% in the wrong here. He needs to be the one to put the boundaries in place. He needs to be more worried about offending or upsetting you than her….and it seems like its the other way around. Sorry.