Ive been trying to break up with my bf for a few weeks now. I tried to do it on the phone and he kept telling me he wants to make it work and for me to have a week to think. Then i try and end it after that week in person and he bought me all these gifts and postcards from his overseas trip. I felt like i couldn’t end it while hes giving me thoughtful gifts. Receiving gifts is my receiving thoughtful gifts is my love language and I felt too horrible to. I told him I still wasn’t seeing a future with us despite loving him and he told me to wait until mid Jan. I told him I won’t be going on his family holiday with him as I need time alone and he’s asked me twice since to come.
We’ve been together for almost a year and in the beginning things were just wonderful, so in love, so passionate, just longed to be with each other all the time.
Things changed very suddenly when we went on a 3 day holiday together (about 8/ 9 months into the relationship) and he was so moody the entire time and short with me because things weren’t going the way he wanted them to (in terms of places he wanted to go not working out the way he wanted and the friend he met up with apparently frustrating him) i honestly didn’t see any issues with how his friend acted or anything on the trip. I was upset as it was our first holiday together and I felt uncomfortable and couldn’t relax and enjoy due to how he acted. I’m a very chill go with the flow, make the most of any situation and just enjoy life type of person and it made me realise he is quite the opposite, control freak, doesn’t go with the flow and hard to relax. I was very upset to that I did nothing that trip to contribute to his mood and yet I suffered from it.
From this moment the honeymoon phase was over for me. I felt distant from him, I struggled to imagine our future together like I once was so sure I wanted him as mine forever to build a family and a life and now I wasn’t sure if this is what I wanted.
I started noticing the little things that didn’t sit quite right that I once was too passionately and blindly in love to see. Such as him white lying about tiny things to people in front of me for no real reason and when I confronted him I was hit with “I don’t know why I said that, that was stupid”. Which I love the accountability but the fact he doesn’t know why worries me. The control freak came out again when I was driving and an ambulance was far behind me and before it even was close enough for me to move over in the one lane road for it to pass he started yelling orders at me which stressed me out so much and made it harder for me to do a simple manoeuvre I would usually be able to do without thinking much of it.
Every time I have bought up something in the relationship that bothered me such as him liking unknown girls bikini pics on IG (bought up twice, he did it again after he acknowledged it was hurtful and said he wouldn’t again, second time he actually unfollowed them), him telling me don’t go to Paris I might get “assaulted by immigrant” but used the R word, he knows I’ve been assaulted by my ex, everything I like travel, or music wise he picks apart and insults and says how much superior and unique his tastes are. And I’ve bought this up and each time he has barely acknowledged what I have said and started bringing up things he is saying I’m doing wrong in the relationship. I’m happy for these to be bought up but not to completely skip over my concerns and jump straight to his. Also his were unfair in my opinion, such as getting upset he hasn’t met as much as my family as I’ve met of his, when I haven’t seen my other family members since we started dating due to distance and complex family dynamics which I had explained to him previously and told him I was self conscious about my complicated family and wish I had a big close one like his.
I told him how can we talk when you don’t care about my concerns and bring up yours instead. When you could bring them up yourself any other time than to avoid talking about my concerns. He said he didn’t realise he was doing that and is now “brutally aware” he has hurt me and says he only now realises he has been “firey” and uncomfortable being confronted so went on the attack to defend himself. He also is very rude to me when I try and bring up an issue. He says now he is properly aware (apparently wasn’t aware enough the first conversation months ago).
Despite all I’m saying that’s negative there are so many positives. He is thoughtful, caring, attentive, always has date ideas, always planning dates, brings me food when I’m sick and takes care of me when I’m feeling unwell.
I feel so awful to leave him but all the bad things that have happened has left me feeling done, I can’t see a future like I did, the strange things he says makes me uncomfortable, I feel like I can’t take him to work functions or he might make a racist or equally bad joke, I’ve lost physical attraction. I love him as a person and I’m grieving the relationship I once had but I don’t believe someone can change in an instant.
If I decide to leave for good, how do you get through leaving someone you love and the “what ifs”? It’s easy to leave when someone is straight up bad but he’s overall been good to me.
Any advice please. I’m sorry I’ve posted about him again, I have no one to talk to about it and I feel so alone.
Think of it as you are helping him grow. Staying in the relationship would build resentment, and you would inevitably block his growth because your needs are not being met.
I don’t love the immigrant comment, and the yelling. Those things are repairable, but something he needs to do for himself, not just to keep a relationship alive.
You can reconnect one day, but you need to focus on healing now. Keeping giving yourself a place to feel, express yourself (painting helps, watch some movies about breakups and moving on),set up some friend dates and share what you’re feeling, girl. You got this!
That’s a good way to think about it! I do think he needs some time to grow in himself. I forgot to mention it’s his first relationship meanwhile I’ve had experience dating.
That makes sense that it’s work he needs to do within himself because I don’t want to date someone who thinks the comments and yelling is okay and is just repressing it to keep me around.
I have been really enjoying my alone time to reflect and be with myself. Thank you 🙂
Giiiirl I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but let me tell you something.
The things you described above, such as him letting is mood out on you, picking apart your likes and making himself superior about it, the lying… This is not an attentive, loving person AT ALL.
It’s a person that learned what you like (gift giving) and overwhelms you with it to treat you how he wants afterwards.
Knowing he is a person that HATES when things don’t go his way how do you think he would act when you try to break up?
You’re overthinking and getting insecure because of the “what ifs” is a totally normal reaction when breaking up, everyone has it. But your whole description above is the “what if”. If you don’t break up with this person that’s how your life is going to be.
Pull through and see how he acts when he doesn’t get his way.
\> how do you get through leaving someone you love
You write a post on Reddit telling yourself WHY you broke up.
You bookmark it. You come back to it when you start asking why you didn’t stay.
You left because the bad outweighed the good.
All your reasons are here. They are solid. You did the right thing. Life ebbs and flows – there are
sad goodbyes to allow warm hellos.
He must now make his own list of where he failed and refer back to that to help himself grow.
Seems like you searched unconsciously for reasons to leave him. Are you the avoidant one? Maybe you are thinking it too much but once you do there’s no going back