I’m just wondering if this reaction is forgivable. My bf (37M) was recently arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct when he went out drinking by himself on a freaking Tuesday. He lied to me about what he was doing when he said he was home but was actually going out drinking. He has 2 past arrests for DUIs. I know he has a drinking problem, and he refuses to admit that but has gone periods where he’s totally sober post-DUIs. However, I thought this latest arrest would be a much needed wake-up call and it wasn’t at all?! He left jail with only anger at me (not himself) for not being nice to him when he was arrested and needed bond (I called him a pathetic loser) and then he had a Christmas party for work last night and chose to uber to enjoy the open bar.
Idk why I’m even asking for advice — as I’m writing it all out, it’s crystal clear. But yeah, is drinking even after such an awful and embarrassing arrest a sign of total arrogance? Like the rules don’t apply to me?! I’m hurt by his choice to not make any shift in his actions after the arrest. Even if he lied to me and made mistakes during it, I’d be willing to stick by his side if he agreed to transform his life. We’ve been together 4 years and had a very good relationship.
He didn’t get a wake-up call because he doesn’t want one.
Arrests, embarrassment, fights, none of it matters unless he decides he has a drinking problem. Right now he’s blaming you instead of reflecting. That’s your answer.
You can’t fix this for him, and 4 years together doesn’t obligate you to carry his addiction. Leave before it gets worse.
Make sure you have a clean break so you can enjoy a better life. Good luck!
Now that you’ve vented, let that clarity sink in and say goodbye to a hopefully soon to be ex
Clearly, you like having an alcoholic boyfriend who blames others for his problems. No shame in that.
Either keep dating him, or go out and find another alcoholic boyfriend who blames others for his problems. Your choice.
>is drinking even after such an awful and embarrassing arrest a sign of total arrogance?
It’s alcoholism. And it’s not going to get better until he hits rock bottom or wants to change. Clearly 2 DUI’s and this most recent arrest haven’t made him reach that point yet, so you need to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets treatment, or you leave. Crazy to me that you’ve stuck around this whole time that he’s been blaming you for this.
You have a real winner with that one. You hit the Drumken Loser Lotto. There is no stopping until they are ready. Save yourself before he takes you down with him.
You don’t have a very good relationship, you’re just scared to move on.
I remember being in that position. The misery/dread of the future has to surpass the feeling of being scared to move on. It took me several years. Hopefully it will take OP far less time.
Me too! I wish someone had told me that the unknown future I was scared of would turn out to be the happiest time of my life. That living on my own after years of walking on eggshells would feel like being reborn.
You describe a nightmare them say “we have a good relationship” … how so? Maybe you need to rexamine what s healthy relationship looks like, I’m not being rude, I’m speaking from experience. Talk to a therapist about this. I had very unhealthy views of what a healthy relationship looked like, you do as well i think. You can’t be in a healthy relationship with an alchoholic, you can defn be in a relationship but it’ll never be healthy
It’s an indication of an addiction that he refuses to admit to having. If he doesn’t get help he will either kill someone or be killed. Him getting an Uber is shifting the responsibility of what’s happening to him.
It’s up to you if you want to stay with him but given that he’s now criticizing you for his problems and expecting you to bail him out of jail I think the writing is on the wall for this relationship.
He’s had two duis. Clearly he doesn’t care
It isnt arrogance… It’s addiction. He isnt ready to change, and none of us know what he will need to be ready.
You can join support groups for yourself that focus on family and partners of addiction, but at some point you will have to ask yourself why and for how long are you willing to work harder than he is on his problem.
> I called him a pathetic loser
GOOD. He is one.
Look, if he’s still acting like this at 37 and after all the negative consequences he’s already had, you need to assume he’s never going to change. Eventually he’s likely to have more negative consequences, including the permanent loss of his driver’s license, alcohol-caused health problems, loss of jobs, etc.
I think you need to dump him ASAP, but if you’re not willing to do that, for the love of god do not marry him or reproduce with him.
Repeat, in case you missed it:
#HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.