This questions comes from a place of insecurity, and from someone who has faced lots of rejection to the point of internalizing it.
But yeah sometimes I wonder if it happens. I myself have faced so much rejections. So many first dates, not so much second dates.
The vast majority of women I went on first dates that I really liked never wanted a second.
When there were second dates it was with women I barely liked or felt indifferent about.
Point is, most women I’ve met have not liked me and even moreso women I really liked and found attractive.
A big fear is that I’ll get an SO one day, and she’ll find out about all the rejections I have faced and then question her choice in me.
Like I don’t know, the consistent rejection has made me feel like I’m low value. I know confidence is important but god damn it’s hard to keep your head up when most people do not like you. Not easy being neurodivergent.
Is this something that happens or not really? Is it just an overthinking fear of mine?
I feel like this is overthinking. How would she be finding out about all of these rejections? Do you plan on telling her that you went on X number of first dates that didn’t result in second dates due to the woman’s own decision? I don’t see how something like this would end up coming out unless you went into way too much detail about it voluntarily.
You think about relationships like a small child. The narcissism to think that women who had a boring date with you would want to sabotage your relationships years after the fact is absurd. These are not real concerns.
Now I just get rejected by my wife.
There is the concept of preselection, that women prefer a man who was selected by others. I think this mostly applies to the dating phase though. Once you have been selected it’s not a problem. Until perhaps you break up and she becomes mean and uses everything she knows about you against you. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves lol.
It’s never happened to me, and it probably won’t unless you’re in a dating pool where everyone knows everyone.
Maybe if you live in a tiny village where everyone knows each other. But even then. Most people just move on in life and won’t care if someone rejected you years ago.
How would they find out?
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Getting rejections is normal.
I’ve yet to meet anyone, ever, who didn’t get more rejections than they wanted. lol
I think you are worrying about a non-issue.
You’re very much overthinking it. I don’t have an SO, but I have close long time women friends. Not once have I ever heard any of them talk about “Well, this guy is great but got rejected a ton.” When the women I know reject a man, it’s **ALWAYS** because of their dynamic together.
Now, if you internalize the rejections so your own insecurities torpedo the relationship, that **WOULD** be a problem. For example, if you internalize “She’s gonna leave me” and either cling to her desperately and/or try to control her “so she won’t leave me/find someone better” you’ll destroy the relationship.
But, even then, the problem wouldn’t be your past. It would be **how your past AFFECTS YOUR PRESENT** that matters. If you want to avoid that problem, I advise seeking out counseling to heal those insecurities.
Before I met my wife, I stopped giving a shit about whether or not they liked me. I found that “I” rejected myself more than they ever did, by believing they’d never have an interest for me to begin with.
By letting go of that and letting all of them reject me as they wanted to, I ended up on lots of first dates and series of “get to know you” style dates… nothing too physical but just relaxing and having fun socially with them.
I discovered a lot about myself in a short period of time and shortly thereafter I came across my wife to be. Basic gist was, I pre-judged things again (durr), and right as I was basically figuring she had no interest in me, she was falling in love with the me that wasn’t trying to impress anyone, but just being open and honest and loving without need for recompense. I knew she was dynamite the moment I saw her and by the end of the night she told her bestie I was “the one”.
Gotta hang in there. Keep learning. Keep trying. It’ll work out eventually, but the whole “be yourself” thing, while annoying as fuck, is actually true. I never wanted to be myself so I always tried to be what they wanted, but that’s not what my wife fell for.
Be friends. Make more friends. Keep things from getting too intense if you arent compatible and hold out for good chemistry and compatibility. Be yourself, warts and all. The right woman won’t be deterred by that.
How did you let go all of that,
It took a decision to just let things happen that are going to happen. A decision to be brave and face whatever comes. And when I get rejected, it’s a shoe size issue as much as anything.
You can find a pair of shoes that just fits you perfectly as a person, but they don’t fit your feet. You don’t hold onto them, you let em go to someone with the right size feet. Sometimes you find a shoe your size, but you aren’t feeling it. Still nothing wrong with the shoe. You’re just mismatched another way. You move on until you find shoes that fit your feet as well as they fit you as a person.
First of all, you’re not “low value” those are arbitrary words cooked up by some gym bros that want to part you from your money. There is no value system, at least in the way people talk about how time isn’t real. There certainly are systems but they are unique and individual to each person discovering what they like and want in a partner. No two will be exactly the same.
It’s also fluid. I’ve never sat out to date shorter men but that’s what happened. Society states I should want the 6ft, 6 pack, 6 figure men. None of the men I’ve dated have ever hit all those markers and it’s not a big deal. Maybe I don’t like blondes but I will make an exception for someone I have a connection with.
Getting back to rejection, as a woman I’ve had more rejection than most because I’m forward. Being this way is off putting to a huge chunk of men. It hit me hard every time, especially as a teenager. I internalized it and stopped being forward into my 20s. Once I realized that gender roles are a construct and fluid as well and it’s sexier to just be me, it’s been flowers and sausages. Still got a lot of rejection but kept keeping on.
Because I’ve felt the sting time and time again, I have a lot of empathy for guys because you’re always expected to the make the first move. Not everyone is built for that, even men. It’s especially shitty when you have a great first date then nothing. I’ve been there probably as much as I’ve been rejected outright. I just wish I could cook the right words to lift you up. All is not lost.
After years of searching I’ve found my perfect mate. I know you don’t want to wait years and more than likely you won’t. I’m a special case of too much masculine with sweater puppies but still likes and wants the men. Girls just ain’t for me.
Long story short don’t take this to heart. I know it’s hard not to but do some soul searching, some self improvement (even if it’s reading once a night or meditation), eat healthy and get some exercise where you can (even low impact from a chair will boost endorphins and make you physically feel better). Keep chugging along.
Just be sure you don’t settle, I’ve seen this time and time again. My husband did this with his first wife. The first person that comes along, is marginally attractive to you and is down for a second date doesn’t mean to start planning a wedding date. You’re worth more than that 💜
PS – a true mate won’t give one shit about your past other than to help you overcome it. Don’t overthink this.