not 100% sure that this doesnt break rules, sorry in advance, please remove if im in violation. i asked this on r/askwomenadvice but it was removed. im mostly interested in advice from women on this.
me (m30) and my gf (f30) have been dating for a year. i have been in a pretty rough financial position most of the relationship, and im just starting to get my feet back under me. this last valentines day, i thought i went in pretty hard, i got a bunch of gifts and chocolates, i set our livingroom up for a movie night and made a cute little fort, got a bottle of wine that i knew she liked. all in all like 12+ different gift items, from candies to stuffed animals, and flowers. that weekend we cooked dinner together and made a special desert
valentines day is kind of a special holiday in my opinion, we get all the other holidays every year, but valentines really only hits its peak when your in a relationship. i wasnt super wealthy leading up, but i felt like i threw everything i had avaliable in my arsenal at this one.
during Valentines day, she was talking on the phone to someone (i didnt address the convo) but i overheard them ask what we did for Valentines day, and her response was "we didnt do anything" and that just kinda…. shook me i guess? and a few hours later we were kind of scrambling to go get a drink somewhere, or go out for dinner, unsuccessfully. only after the weekend was over did i really consider that, i guess we didnt actually "do" anything, i had set us up to sit inside all day/weekend.
i feel like i dropped the ball at this point, and dont want my gf thinking i wasnt invested in the holiday that were supposed to celebrate together.
i guess the advice im looking for would be-
would it be weird to try and make a "redemtion date" for a flopped Valentines day?
i was under the impression my original plans were sufficient, but going forward, after realizing a livingroom fort at 30years old may not be considered a cute date anymore, what would generally be considered a good date, without breaking the bank?
TLDR; I want to know if i can recover from a flopped Valentines day, and how to make next years better
thank you in advance for any advice. i appreciate any and all feedback.
Whatever you do will never be enough with this woman. Anyone not looking for how you are stepping up, will always be looking for ways they think you’re not enough.
Don’t fall for the trap. Next year, just remind her that you did nothing and she stayed with you, so why would you do more? What’s in it for you?
She sounds like a lot to deal with. Usually just buying flowers and a nice dinner is good enough.
Her reaction is a massive red flag. You did do something, spent time and effort to create a nice experience for you both within your means. The fact that she blew that off during her conversation is wild.
Sounds like you really made an effort. What did she do?
I want to start off by saying you shouldn’t beat yourself up over this, as it sounds like you put a lot of thought and effort into this. You got her gifts, and most importantly, you planned the night, even if she wasn’t a fan of what you planned.
What I will say is I think it’s important to know the person you’re dating. Does she like to go out? If so, going out on Valentine’s day might be important to her. It’s also important to know your relationship and the kind of stuff you guys usually do together. Do you guys often have a wine night and watch movies when spending time together? If so, it’s possible that this plan didn’t make the night feel “special” because it’s something you guys always do.
I would only ask: is your gf generally hard to please? I think this is an important question and the answer separates this situation into two possibilities. Either 1) she’s being ungrateful and unfair or 2) she’s satisfied with anything most of the time and was disappointed because she didn’t get what she was looking for on a specific, special day.
Generally, no i dont think she is hard to please. We dont do a lot in general, i feel mostly because of my financial position, which i am working on. The relationship in general is great i feel, but the comment she made had me questioning whether she felt the same way.
Dude this is wild! Do you know how happy my wife would be if this was our Valentine’s Day plan?! The fact that you put all of that effort in to make it special, get her things that you know she likes and even make a dinner together shows how much you care. She is in the wrong on this one. You DID plenty but she is obviously the type that needs a fancy dinner out to feel like you’re trying. Anybody can make a dinner reservation, but the fact that you actually cared enough to personalize the day is worth more than an expensive dinner. I would have an honest conversation and tell her that you overheard that conversation with her friend and that it made you feel bad because you put a lot of effort into making a fun, personal date for yourselves. If she reacts poorly I wouldn’t be wasting another Valentine’s Day on her.
Yeah they don’t want personal thing so ask women advice. I don’t think the like the accountability. I jus tried posting something there as well. I think you owe it to her to at least discuss the conversation you heard. It may be something innocent like she just wanted to end the conversation and not go into further detail. Or she knows the person she’s talking to is a snob and was taking about her trip to Paris France and she didn’t want to discuss her Valentine’s Day further knowing the friend would be rude to her. Or she may just be an asshole and giving you a red flag. 🚩 but at least discuss with her and find out for sure.
++ woman.
That sounds like a really creative, thoughtful, and effortful night especially when you are working on limited budget.
I’m not a big valentine’s celebratory person but would have considered your plans to be very thoughtful and sweet and just because you didn’t blow cash on a splashy night out does nothing to diminish the care you put into it.
I’m not saying she’s someone who will never by happy but I do think it’s important to be with someone who sees your thoughtfulness and caring regardless of budget. She know your finances a few tight and honestly should have noticed your creativity to make a special night on a budget. She sounds like someone who has different values to you. Many, many women prioritize the effort you made over the public night out that is low effort just making a reservation or the big flashy spend.
I (44f) would love a fort already set up for ‘us’ ANYTIME.
But that’s me. I don’t like to be in the limelight. ESPECIALLY on busy and holidays and weekends.
Kudos for planning on what you liked to have received. Sounded great.
A lot of advice and it’s sound advice is to ask her. But there’s a lot of misinformation out there about if it’s “really love it shouldn’t be hard” “it you have to ask, then why should I tell you?!”
If she happens to believe in the stunned mindset of above; do an experiment.
Do somethings and gauge her reaction, her energy on you presenting said things and doing said things.
Like making dinner versus going out to dinner.
Making a playlist or a streaming list.
Giving her small trinkets or a ‘larger’ gift.
Writing a poem or greeting her every day with a message or end of day telling her how she made you smile. Public or private.
Give a foot/back rub without sexual intimacy, or do a day spa trip together.
Determine if she likes public or private, small or large, sentimental or popular.
You asking- is wonderful. Be confidently you and make sure that you don’t lose yourself for her ‘validation’. The right people want to support you to shine on and help move the clouds. They also thank you for your efforts.
Man, u put if effort. She just didn’t appreciate it.
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate both people. Did she do anything for you?
Seems she doesn’t appreciate your effort to show you love her and she also put in zero effort herself to show you that she loves you.
I’d focus on the lack of effort and appreciation, not the effort that was made with good intentions and failed to satisfy someone else.
Without any context on who she was talking to, it’s hard to say why she answered that way. In my experience, there are contexts where any answer more than “its ok” or “we didn’t do much” leads to way more questions, or it’s a single friend and she didn’t want to make them feel left out of the day.
Yup.
If I were disappointed in what my fiance did for my birthday, but didn’t want to shame her for it, this is exactly what I would say.
I’d ask her about that comment. She might have meant it literally (like “we didn’t do anything” to mean “we didn’t go out anywhere” – if the context on the other end of the phone was “my partner took us to x restaurant and to x bar for drinks” or whatever) and if she didn’t, that’s a red flag. Your Valentine’s Day plan sounds like it was wonderful and anyone should be grateful to get that kind of thought put into it! How lovely. She may truly not have meant anything bad by it, but it does not sound great, or grateful.