I’ve been dating a man in his 40s for a couple of months who I realise is quite possibly both a dismissive and fearful avoidant type. I sent across some info that describes the four relationship attachment styles to him and we think potentially he is both avoidant types.
He has a defensive character about him, partly stemming from a troubled youth and family upbringing. He is fiercely protective of his space and independence. His longest relationship lasted 2 years. Despite this, it surprised me greatly how good his communication style was from the very beginning. He talks plainly, never plays games and says exactly what’s on his mind. He likes to talk to me everyday on the phone around bed time, and he also checks in with me everyday, especially if he doesn’t hear from me for a period of time. In person he is very warm, tactile and affectionate in person. When we are together, we cuddle a lot. Sex is 10/10. He has a dog and a snake (lol) and takes good care of them both. Very affectionate to his dog.
I once brought up the subject of commitment but he was dismissive about it so I shut that quickly. But we are exclusive and monogamous and we both want that.
Right now, this works for me as I’m a single mum to two late teens who live with me. I don’t want marriage, don’t feel the need to live with a man and I’m financially independent.
We see each other typically for one night on weekends. I lean more as an anxious type with some traits of secure but I have to work on it so as not to appear needy and keep my feelings and need for his verbal reassurance to myself. I know he does miss me and think about me when I’m not there but he will never say it and I think he is the kind to never say I love you. It would be nice to hear some loving words one day.
How best can I support him but also navigate this. Do I just say nothing, never verbalize my feelings and needs so as to not cause ‘drama’?
Let it die.
Ah…didn’t want to hear this but not surprised….
You don’t
You date someone else
I’m an avoidant also. I think those good communication skills will slowly dissipate after time and as you get closer, he’ll get quieter. Communication is best early on while the stakes are low. It would depend on what you want as to whether he’s worth pursuing. If you like the idea of having a man around to help with stuff, but keep at a distance, then he may be worth staying with. If you’re looking for a close lovey-dovey relationship to share intimate thoughts with, you’d be best to keep looking. The more you pursue, the more he’ll likely withdraw. We(he) are probably a lot like that pet snake (which I also have snakes), where they are nice to have, fun to look at, nice to pet and play with occasionally, but are best left alone to do their own thing most of the time.
Thank you, hearing your take is really enlightening. I’ve never dated an avoidant before.
You’re compromising and minimising your emotions to support his lack of emotions. I’m not going to tell you to break up with him but if you keep minimising its going to turn into resentment. I dont think the relationship is sustainable if your needs arent being met either
He was dismissive about commitment, but you two are exclusive?
What does that mean? Does that mean he’s not fucking other women, or so he says, and you are rewording it to “we are exclusive”? Because exclusivity requires a previous expressed agreement, as in, “we are in an exclusive romantic relationship from now on”.
So are you two in an official relationship or not?
Also, people often confuse a lack of interest with avoidance. He may simply not want a commitment with you, and he’s comfortable with the current dynamic, doesn’t mean he’s an avoidant.
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Relationships require two people to function. You can’t do anything to deal with his avoidant tendencies, that’s his cross to bear. You can only focus on your own anxious tendencies (such as trying to anticipate problems that don’t currently exist).
My wife. Same thing.
It’s taken a while, and I’ve been very clear and vocal that her avoidance/defensiveness means I can’t tell her anything negative. If there’s something she does that hurts or I want different, I used to have to suck it up and just live with it.
Now though, a little prep up front is HUGE. She knows too how much it hurts me when she’s defensive or dismissive. “Hey honey, I have something I need to say. Once I start, I need you to actively listen to understand instead of listen to defend and I need your mouth to stay closed until I’m done. Also you can’t use “but what about when”, we are going to be discussing this one thing that you do that’s bothering me.”
Now you can’t just start with that, you need rules of engagement and some acknowledgment from him that he’s willing to walk this path. BEFORE you make the statement above. Plan it out, talk through the process before you need to use it, make a bullet list of how the conversation should flow. Structure.
I don’t know but based how you described him he really doesn’t seem like the type. More just enjoy your company from time to time and not wanting to get serious with a single mom. Lotta guys don’t and I know a couple guys who would self diagnose or let the women self diagnose them as the fearful avoidant type just to avoid the harsh reality and potential loss of a low
commitment fuck buddy.
Or like say and he is that way and if it is, then decide if he’s worth the time and if he truly wants to be with you, the. You both have work to do.
“low commitment fuck buddy.” I wouldn’t be able to deal with that, at my age. That’s not even remotely sexy. Just dull but adequate, like a frozen dinner.
You move on and hope they learn.