I’m a 26m and I’ve always been a pretty quiet laid back guy. I did alright in school, never went out partying/drinking when I was in high school, I never really did anything bad; no violence, never smoked weed, never did drugs, never really cared to drink not even today. You could say I never really “lived” those crazy experiences. I know there’s a lot of people who haven’t but im just throwing it out there to help kinda show the type of past I’ve had.
I’ve had a job since I was 15. My dream job has been a cop for as long as I can remember. I think part of my past was influenced by wanting to be a cop so I tried to keep a pretty clean slate so nothing came back to burn me.
In January I started seeing this girl and she was 100% my type. Pretty, funny, my ideal body type, not too far away, checked multiple boxes. The kind of girl that makes you question what she’s doing talking to you. Somehow I managed to date her for a few months until she had enough of me not being able to open up and decided to end things in May. This was also my first relationship and “firsts” for many things with a woman. Everyday since I have been beating myself up because I basically lost my dream girl and I know it’s my own fault. When we would hangout, my mind would always go blank. I think a big part of it was because I didn’t want to say/do something that would make her see me differently or want to en things earlier. Ironically that’s still what I burned me.
So my question is, how do you open up? What do you open up about? She told me about her past, some things that she went through growing up, etc. She had no problem doing so. Me on the other hand, I can’t think of nothing to share. Like I said, I don’t really have any family drama, no trauma, I’ve lived a pretty good life. I know opening up isn’t just telling all the bad things, but I just don’t know what to open up about.
I’m hoping you guys can give me some tips, pointers, advice, anything that I can use to work on myself and maybe rebuild that relationship, or at least prepare myself for when my next relationship comes.
A simple way to open up is to share what you are thinking at the moment even if it’s “I’m nervous and don’t know what to say” because genuine emotional transparency builds way more connection than having dramatic stories to tell.
You don’t have to and if there’s nothing to say don’t fake it. You want to keep her talking and when you talk: talk about the future.
Relationships over.
Ask her what she means by “open up”.
Starting with stuff that sounds important but doesn’t really bother you much really helps. I had a terrible relationship with my father growing and then found out he wasn’t my real father and my real father isn’t really anything impressive, throwing that out as a feeler and seeing how the conversation goes really helps.
Also try asking her why she wants to know and have a conversation about that. I always struggled with opening up when I didn’t really understand why I would share painful information to someone who couldn’t really help in any meaningful, especially if the thing I’m opening up about had passed but just lingers on me emotionally.
Here is advice for men. Stop thinking there is something wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing to fix. I have tons of friends who got all kind of weirdness going on and if girl likes you,she wil stay no matter how weird you are.
Opening up doesn’t mean sharing traumatic stories. Just share your thoughts and feelings openly, and tell her about your life even the boring parts.
Women appreciate any kind of story. For example I told my wife about games I used to play with my cousin as a kid. I even installed some to show her and play together and she loved it. It still shows openess even when it’s not a traumatic or bad situation.
Just talk about what’s on your mind, like how you find it difficult to put feelings into words, and how you beat yourself up afterwards thinking about how you come across. Tell her how you want to be a cop , and how you’d love to arrest her.
If you aren’t able to be emotionally vulnerable, there’s something behind that. Either you learned not to or never learned how. Tell them that story.
You’re a cop and you don’t have any story’s to share? I find that hard to believe. Have a couple of long Island ice teas (don’t drive) that should help you open up.
From her point of view you’re either avoidant, or worse, boring.
If you honestly have nothing to open up about, then that’s kind of a worse problem than being emotionally closed off. You can work on issues around intimacy. You can’t really work on developing an interesting inner life.
However, you have an extremely interesting job that brings you into unusual situations from every segment of society. In order to remain emotionally stable, you must be really good at managing stress and compartmentalizing. So maybe start there, by telling stories from your job and then reflecting on how you felt about the situation.
Hi, I’m a woman, also 26.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Some people who have had a traumatic past prefer being with someone like you. As another commenter said, you may come across as avoidant. But you are probably one of the rare people with a secure attachment style, given you say you’ve lived a pretty good life. You seem stable and like you know what you’re doing, a lot of woman want someone like that.
I can also see how she thinks your lack of need to tell her anything traumatic about you may not be enough for her. Maybe next time, you can open up about what your values are. What your lifelong dreams are, whether you want children, what values you want to raise children with. Things like that are important to know about yourself, and will help you in finding a compatible, long-term partner. I think a lot of people who have adverse experiences earlier in life probably discover their values earlier on as well. Just something to consider.
I’m basically the female equivalent of you – I want so badly to share and open up but I am *so bad* at it. My mind goes blank, I forget everything that has ever happened to me, and I also can’t speak words in a way that makes sense when I DO have something to say. It’s agonizing. I totally get it.
For me, this is due to trauma, specifically emotional neglect-type trauma. I learned when young that people do not want to hear what I think or experience, so I stopped sharing, and now that I get into situations where people *do* want to know me deeper, I do not know how to share. What could they possibly want to know? What could they care about? What if I tell them TOO MUCH about me and they’re like “Oh ew, never mind”. (The answer to the last one, whether I like it in the moment or not, is – then they weren’t the right person anyway.)
I do best when asked specific questions. If I’m just asked “Tell me about yourself” it’s like I simply do not exist beyond a concept. Absolutely blank. I need specific things, like “What are some of your favorite holiday traditions” or “What’s something you really loved as a kid”. If the mood is more emotional or intimate, deeper questions like “Is there something you regret from your past” or “What’s something you’d change if you could”. This is not, like, an interrogation, but just specific questions to trigger memories or thoughts. I also try to make little lists for myself in my phone of things I’d like to share so that if the right topic arises, I have a better chance at remembering it.
I also find that I do better if I am free to just blurt out something that comes to mind when it comes to mind (obviously wait for a decent opening, don’t interrupt someone, don’t shift the mood dramatically from “fun” to “here’s a deep dark memory” without at least a little segue). I do try to warn the person I’m dating that I do this, and I make it kind of a joke by saying my ADHD brain doesn’t have a train of thought, it has 7 trains that hop tracks and it’s anybody’s guess which thought will come out first.
Also a BIG fan of pulling out old pictures to share – these often trigger memories of people, places, events, and make it easier for my brain to pull up things to talk about.