English is not my first language, but I will try to make this make sense.
I (26M) have never been in a serious relationship before and honestly was not interested. I was doing just fine being alone. A month ago, I was at the gym at a different time than usual because I had a morning shift that day, so I went at night. I noticed a really good looking guy staring at me more than once. I am socially awkward, so I ignored him. While I was doing one of the exercises, I noticed him coming toward me and saying something. I took off my headphones and asked if he said anything. He said, “Oh yeah, I noticed your ID attached to your phone. You are a doctor, right?” Then he started asking about my name, age, and commenting on my body and how cute and sexy I looked. Of course I was interested because this was the first time someone approached me in public. We live in a very homophobic country, so this does not happen often. He was really good looking and exactly my type, educated, tall, and muscular. We exchanged numbers and continued our workouts.
We texted and met two days later. He picked me up and we went for a car ride. We parked and got a little intimate, kissing and stuff. He told me that he wanted me and that even if I was with someone else, he would still want me. I told him I was not seeing anyone, so I was all his. He also told me he loved me, but I confronted him and said it was too early and I could not say it back.
On the way home, he told me he is married with three kids. That was a big turnoff. He told me he has gay friends, but they all live abroad and none are in our country. He even showed me his phone and messages. In the next few days, I noticed he replies very late, sometimes three hours later. He never calls unless I call first, and he never plans to meet unless I suggest it. I confronted him and told him I need him to initiate more because I do not want to feel like I am chasing someone. He agreed and promised to do anything to keep me.
Remember when he said he did not have any gay friends in the country? It turned out that my gay best friend, who is also a doctor in another city, was his friend too. When I confronted him about that, he blocked me. I felt like an addict having drugs taken away. The euphoria was suddenly gone. I knew where he worked, so I went to his workplace in the morning, expecting the worst. Instead, he was very warm and happy that I came. He said he was honored and that I did not want to lose him. I felt like it was my fault because we had only known each other for five days and I was already questioning him.
We went back to texting and seeing each other, but the problem of him not initiating continued. I communicated clearly several times that I need him to initiate more. The pattern is always the same. I tell him what I need, he promises to do anything to keep me, he improves for two or three days, then goes silent again. This has happened five or six times. When I tell him I am not comfortable chasing him, he says, “Chase me. So what? Am I not worth it?”
I had to travel abroad for a difficult reason. The night before I left, he came to see me. We made out and he told me to call him whenever I felt lonely. While I was there, he went silent with no calls or texts. When I confronted him, he started calling three times a day and texting regularly. He even ordered me a gift for when I returned.
While I was abroad, he posted a shirtless story at the gym. I told him the story was cheap and that he was seeking attention, and I asked him to delete it. He said what I said hurt him and that he only posts to motivate others. He told me that if I had said it in a nicer way, he would have deleted it. The next day he posted another story with clothes on and said he did it because of me.
When I returned home after two weeks, I obviously wanted to see him the most. Instead, he stayed silent. I texted, “Hey babe, why so quiet?” He replied, “I did not want to bother you. You must be surrounded by your family.” I called him and lost my temper. I yelled and screamed. He tried to calm me down and asked where I was so he could come see me. I told him I did not want to see him and did not want his gift. I hung up. He texted, “I still love you anyway.” I apologized later and asked to see him. When we met, he felt more distant, although he said nothing was wrong.
In the end, he also did not give me the gift he had ordered. After I angrily told him that I did not want it, he later said he no longer had it.
His inconsistency has given me major depression and anxiety. And also, he commented on my body saying i need to lose a little bit of weight which made me completely lose my appetite and I have lost 5-6kgs since then, in less than a month 🥲
I told my best friend everything. He said I am being manipulated by an emotionally unavailable man and that I should leave him immediately. I do not know what to do. This is my first serious relationship and I do not have enough experience. So my questions are the following:
1. After how many weeks or months do you fully commit to someone?
2. Is it too early to ask him to delete stories and other personal posts?
3. Is my friend right? Am I being manipulated?
To answer your question, yes. You are 100% being manipulated. This guy is more than ten years older than you and going after a guy in his mid 20s. There is a reason he can’t find someone his own age.
But also, I’m a bit irritated that you’re painting yourself as the victim here. You knew he was married and you’re still going after him. That’s a shitty move and honestly you’re not a great person. You’re 26 years old, there is honestly no excuse for doing something like this. Grow up and cut him out.
Wtf are you doing? He’s married with kids. You are old enough to know better.
A timeline for commitment doesn’t matter because he is MARRIED. Why are you chasing after his man when he has a family that he’s cheating on with you?
He doesn’t love you. He’s trying to keep you on the hook for when he wants to cheat. Just stop. Block him and move on with your life
This guy is MARRIED, which is major red flag #1. Him telling you he loves you after just meeting you recently is major red flag #2. You haven’t known him long enough or have a serious enough relationship with him to be telling him what he can or can’t do on social media, in my opinion. His inconsistency is due to the fact that you are not a priority to him. Overall, this situation is bad news all around. I would get out now before you become more invested.
Enjoy it while it lasts but don’t put all your eggs in that one basket. Stay safe 👌
He’s already fully committed to his WIFE, at least in theory.
I recognize you may not have a lot of dating options where you are, but nothing about this has been good. This guy came on way too strong, too fast, and only after that didn’t register as a red flag to you did he drop the bombshell about being married. From that point forward, any trust you had in anything he had to say about how committed he was or who else he was seeing should have been gone, assuming you gave him an opportunity to say anything else at all. As it is, you may think you’re in a serious relationship, but you’re just being played with, and you will be dropped without a second thought if you start making demands or prove more trouble than you’re worth (or he simply gets bored). Walk away, and figure out how to avoid being desperate enough for anything like this to ever seem like a good idea again,
Didn’t mention that his inconsistency has given me major depression and anxiety. And also, he commented on my body saying i need to lose a little bit of weight which made me completely lose my appetite and I have lost 5-6kgs since then, in less than a month 🥲
Yes
I don’t even need to read anything but the title to tell you that you are in a mess (I’ll read it anyway tho). He’s almost 40 and is cheating on his wife. Do you really think this man that has spent a huge chunk of money and a lot of time to marry this woman, had kids with her, and repeatedly tells her he loves her, loves you and means it? Obviously commitment, money, the lives of his own children, time, and the words I love you mean nothing to him, so what makes you think you mean anything? What? He saw you and magically learned what it truly means to love and respect someone? You’re young and he’s feeling his age, he’s trying to recapture something from his youth for an ego boost. Yes he’s manipulating you.
And you’re not a victim here. You know he’s married and you stayed, you actually pushed for the relationship, that makes you just as bad. You know cheating is wrong you know helping cheaters is wrong. I don’t know why you came here to cry when you’re just as selfish. The real victim here is his wife but it seems like you don’t care Abt this poor woman or the poor kids caught in the middle of this immature charade the both of you are playing. He may be trying to manipulate you but it sounds like you have no problem letting him and looking the other way for your convenience. You’re acting as if you’re upset that he’s prioritizing his wife and family????? That you should be some sort of priority???? Hon in what world does that make sense? You are dreaming luv. You literally said this is your first serious relationship, baby serious in what way? People in serious relationships don’t have to sneak around and certainly aren’t a side piece to a married man whose responsibility FIRST AND FOREMOST IS TO HIS WIFE AND KIDS. Have some self respect and stop the foolishness. SMDH