Starting with a bit of context. I’m M23 and she is F21.
We’ve been together for almost 3 years and recently moved in together.
Thank god my side of the family has given me a fully paid for apartment, so no rent. However the apartment is quite old and needs some repairs, like windows, doors, bathroom ect.
Currently I’m in my last semester of uni until I graduate and already got a pretty well paying job lined up for around May.
I currently get paid monthly by the university and financial help from my dad every month.
She is working full time in a retail store and gets paid a little bit more than minimum wage.
So we both basically get the same amount of money monthly.
I have stated multiple times and asked her to cut or reduce her spending habits but it’s getting ridiculous.
She spends money on food outside every day she is at work around 10-13 Euro which considering her salary is only 600 is already wild. She has refused multiple times to make food at home.
She decides to spend money on very much unneeded things like expensive plushies, random toys, puzzles that she never finishes unless I myself even do then alone because for some reason she doesn’t want to do them and they sit untouched for a month.
And then we have the gaming spending. Just this month she’s spent a bit closer to 150-200 euro ONLY in gacha videogames.
I’ve talked to her many times about this and she keeps insisting she’s only doing "small purchases like 1 euro" but I know the truth.
She also knows we have to save up for repairs and vacations and yet doesn’t do anything about it.
I know it’s her money after all and she has to treat herself but isn’t this a bit too much?
Considering we don’t even pay rent and most of MY money goes to food and bills. The only bad thing I spend money on is nicotine to be fair which I have budgeted to be as low as possible per month. Less than 50 euro. I buy groceries and still manage to save up a good amount.
She now decides to ignore basically any financial topic I put up.
She is also with many health problems that she decides to ignore and not listen or drink any of the medications for it like she’s supposed to and I have to walk around telling her like a child. Or the fact she decides to completely ignore booking doctor appointments even if I come with her every time she asks me to for support.
I love her but I can’t watch her basically neglect herself the whole time especially health wise.
And I can’t financially trust her either at all.
I know if I give her 500 euro, by the end of the month it will be zero. It’s like her logic money in = money out.
I feel like the asshole for being a bit distanced in the relationship recently but I can’t ignore all of this if I wanna be a family in the future.
Any ideas?
You are 23, relationships at your age shouldn’t be this hard.
she, as a whole entire human being, can decide how she spends her own money. just like you, a whole entire human being, can decide how you want to spend yours.
her money is hers to spend as she wishes.
your money is yours to spend as you wish.
>She now decides to ignore basically any financial topic I put up.
i don’t blame her. the way you’ve spoken in this post here, you’re fucking condescending and rude.
>I have to walk around telling her like a child.
no, you don’t. that’s a choice you choose to make, and it’s super fucking rude and condescending of you to do so.
she, as a whole entire human being, can decide what she wants to do with her own body. just like you, a whole entire human being, can decide what you want to do with your own body.
you do nicotine. she does something else. both of you are making your own decisions. neither of you is the other’s parent.
>I can’t watch her basically neglect herself the whole time especially health wise.
says the guy who spends his money on nicotine. this is you being a hypocrite, bud.
>I can’t financially trust her either at all.
then don’t date her. don’t date people you don’t trust.
>I feel like the asshole
that’s because you’re acting like one. you’re being a rude, condescending asshole.
based on this post, you sound like an asshole. you sound like you suck, and nobody would want to date someone who is such a rude, condescending, entitled, disrespectful jackass.
Okay I’m sorry if you got the wrong point of the post, I guess but I’d rather make some points clear so I’m not a monster.
The whole thing is.. we have SHARED finances. We have mutually talked and agreed to it. They are SHARED.
However even when shared, one of us spends the money way more recklessly than the other. Even she has admitted it multiple times.
If we never admitted to them being shared then yes I would consider it a “her money, her problem” situation.
Why would only my money be considered groceries and bills money while hers only goes to her?
Second. The health.
She has multiple chronic illnesses that she keeps ignoring that can literally cripple her for life if she ignores them.
So you mean to tell me if your soulmate has them, you’d let them neglect themselves and basically ruin their life because “it’s their body?”. Like come on. You wouldn’t try atleast a little bit?
I have a perfect relationship with her family like her father and mother and they know the exact problems and agree with me. Keep in mind she has a great relationship with them too.
We’re looking for her best health wise so she doesn’t get bed ridden for life.
I’m sorry if that’s an asshole thing for you.
I just don’t think shared finances are a good idea in relationships at your stage of life and this is a huge reason why. If you split your finances, she’s responsible for half of everything, and has to come up with that amount of money before fun spending. But you’ve combined your finances before any sort of legal commitment to each other, and now you’re resentful about it. Sure, you’ve been together for 3 years, but at your age the pre living together stage barely counts. I would consider this a failed experiment and move forward—at least with separate finances, but with all the other issues, probably separating altogether
It sounds like you have a very clear difference in priorities. If you’ve already had conversations about this, then at this point it’s up to you to decide whether or not this is something you can put up with long term.
I would suggest having a serious conversation about how this could potentially end the relationship if she doesn’t improve her spending habits.
It sounds like she just wants to have everything taken care of/paid for so she can use her money for fun things. This dynamic works for some, but it’s okay that it doesn’t work for you.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She needs to be gone.
Absolutely do NOT get this girl pregnant. Shes a starter girlfriend. One that teaches you what you don’t want in a life partner. Trust me, you’re learning now..
You *get* money. She *earns* hers.
You should break up with her, though, because you treat her as if she is a naughty little girl.
Most of my money is sadly earned through uni with many sleepless nights worrying how I’m gonna do on an exam to even qualify for the money. Europe is good for that atleast.
I’m not in any way shape or form saying retail is easier but it’s not like I’m sitting at home doing nothing.
I do most of the house work while she’s at work too to take away some of the stress she has at work.
Hooooold up, y’all get paid for doing well on exams? 👁️👄👁️ when you said you got paid by the university I assumed you worked at the library or something.
Unfortunately your financial values don’t align. It doesn’t matter as much now but when you get married, finances matter a lot. Speaking from experience.
You’re so young, you don’t need to keep making this work. You can just leave.
Since she is so irresponsible, It appears you (at 23) have a daughter. She went from her parents taking care of her to you. It will not improve. Just think how she would be if she had a child! (Then you would have two kids.)
If you absolutely must stay in a relationship with her, STOP sharing finances. You agree on a monthly amount that can be considered rent but is put aside for repairs/upgrades. Keep you monies separated.
edit: word