I feel that my husband sees me as a “china plate”—is there any effective way to talk to him about this?

Hi everyone. I was hoping to get some advice about some feelings I’ve been having about my relationship with my husband. **I know a lot of people don’t have these feelings, but I do.** I’ve “watched and waited” a long time and these feelings are significant to me, so telling me I shouldn’t feel this way isn’t going to be helpful because I already do. I’m more hoping to find out what, if anything, I can do with these feelings.

I bond with other people over shared creativity and problem solving. That’s how I feel closest with people. That can be doing escape rooms, writing stories together, playing in a band together, playing games together, etc. I have always been this way. I do take great care to listen to what people tell me about their lives and remember it, and I will happily watch movies or videos with someone to relax. But I will never feel close with someone if we are just passively consuming together or just telling each other about our lives without shaping each other’s lives.

I have mostly come to accept that other people are not as much this way and generally don’t have the energy, time, and/or desire to do a lot of creative or problem-solving hobbies as I do. I have found a lot of solo hobbies and have also found social groups with whom to do group hobbies, and I feel very close with those people considering we aren’t actually close and don’t know much about each other.

I thought my husband was someone who just doesn’t care to do much more than watch some TV or play some video games in his free time, and that’s that. We have been married for around 3 years and the first two were nonstop shared problem-solving about getting married as well as moving (twice!) and accompanying logistics. So I felt pretty close to him.

Well we are settled in for awhile now, thank goodness. And I noticed something. We pretty much fell into the habit of just consuming media passively together, as well as other forms of consumption like shopping and eating out. That was our quality time together.

But my husband seems to do problem-solving and creative activities with a lot of men in his life, and seems to get a lot of fulfillment from it. For example, he began getting really into his job, which is somewhat creative. He constantly talks about the work they do, what they’re building, and especially the interpersonal aspects. (He really only works with other men.)

He also sort of got into board games a couple years ago because his work friend likes them and invited us over to play. I was thrilled because I love board games. But he never really was interested when I suggested it, and still isn’t that into it.

I think what really has started making me sad is that he used to occasionally play video games with this same work friend, but now it’s his main hobby. They play together almost every night. My husband has even announced he’s had enough of a board game we were playing that I thought he was enjoying because he wanted to play the video game with his work friend instead.

I don’t love video games but I would love to really do any kind of problem-solving activity with my husband to feel closer. We have gamed together a few times, but I didn’t grow up playing games and am not good or intuitive, and so I think he finds the experience frustrating as most of the games they play are co-ops. The very few times I can count on one hand in our entire decade together that he has been genuinely rude to me has been during gaming sessions together.

I have already told him I want to do more than just passively consume with him and that I feel we are drifting apart. We went to couples’ counseling and for awhile he was dutifully playing a very light board game with me each night at dinner. But it felt like checking a box. I can’t understand why that’s “relationship maintenance” but then he can go off and play another game with his work friend and it’s his favorite thing to do.

He will often tell me at great length about his gaming escapades with his friend too. They are silly and make fun memories screwing around and setting up their bases and so on, and it sounds like his friend is getting the side of him I wish I had.

At this point it’s making me really sad. I can’t exactly put my finger on why, but I get this very intuitive feeling that in his mind, I’m not “for” that. Projects and games are for him to do with other men, and I’m like a china plate that stays in the cabinet until Thanksgiving when it’s time to use it before putting it back in the case for awhile. Or like a house pet that he leaves at home all day, comes home, snuggles with, and then mostly just ignores/enjoys the general presence of while he does stuff he really cares about with human beings.

It also baffles me because I thought men constantly complained that women have no hobbies and they wish they could find a girlfriend or wife who would do nerdy shit with them. Well, here I am and I’m at board game nights, band practice, etc and also doing a ton of cool shit solo. And frankly sometimes I get the sense that some of the guys in the game groups and bands think I’m pretty neat and like that there’s a pretty woman their age who loves doing stuff that they like. I don’t care about them or want their attention. I desperately wish my husband could see me that way.

I’ve suggested all kinds of stuff and my husband just doesn’t want to do any of it with me. I feel like I’m at the point where I need to be honest about how I’m feeling beyond just “I want to connect more” because I am feeling rejected as a person to my very core. But I don’t know how to communicate this without it sounding like “women hate their husbands having friends and playing video games.” I have ZERO issue with him playing with his friend, even every night. I have an issue with consistently coming second in terms of those types of activities.

Does anyone know how I might be able to share my feelings without coming off the wrong way? I don’t think I can continue like this.