My boyfriend (20M) and I(19F)have been dating for 5 years. I love him with my whole heart. He is kind, funny, compassionate, and extremely dedicated to me (and I to him). He is my best friend. We have grown up together and have had very few bumps, rarely fight. We don’t raise voices ever – he’s never called me names or been mean in any way. When we have problems, we work together to fix them. Basically what I’m saying is that this relationship is healthy and loving – I couldn’t ask for a better partner.
However, I’m worried about our future. I’ve always been very hardworking, focused on school, career, health/working out, etc. I get stressed about the future pretty easily, have pretty specific goals for my life and am dedicated to meeting them. I’ve always been like this – my parents raised me to work my ass off and shoot for the stars, emphasis on good grades, all that. He, on the other hand, has never really been pushed hard by his parents, and as a result, he’s a bit of a slacker. Didn’t do great in school, he’s now in community college studying English.
I’ll be honest, I always secretly hoped that when he went to college, he’d get serious about the future and start developing a work ethic and some ambition. We both have the same goals, but I feel like I’m the only one who’s really working towards them. He doesn’t have a job, not involved in clubs, generally doesn’t get out much or expose himself to new things. He’s been saying he’d do all these things for two years, but no dice so far. I am starting to worry that maybe he doesn’t have the work ethic or ambition to achieve what we both want – he wants to, but he just doesn’t.
I’ve considered the idea of being the breadwinner, which I’d be ok with, but I’m worried our parenting methods will be very different. I was raised to get good grades, study hard, and get outside. He had… much lower standards. Doesn’t leave the house, doesn’t hold himself to high standards grade-wise, and always talks about wanting to get outside and do fun things, but never really does. His parents are kind of the same way – they’re pretty uninvolved and don’t get out much. No travel, no required family bonding, the family as a whole doesn’t really do things together. For example, my family makes it a point to have dinner together every night. His family eats different things, at different times, separately. I’m worried he’d raise our kids to follow those values, instead of having higher expectations like my parents. He says he likes my family and would want to raise our kids following the way my family raised me, but I’m worried that’s just talk.
Another thing I’m worried about is that his family was relatively low income, but he doesn’t seem to really care, and doesn’t expect to make much money. I know income shouldn’t matter, all that matters is a happy healthy family, but personally? I want to own a house, be able to afford a few kids and send them to good schools, travel, and live in a good neighborhood. That takes money. I’m scared I won’t earn enough for both of us, and I’d resent him for pursuing a “dream” career in exchange for financial hardship.
I’ve talked with him about these concerns multiple times in the past year or so – he knows I’m worried about differences in ambition. He’s reassured me every time that he will start working, things will change, it’s still early and he’s just trying to figure things out, etc. I just feel like I haven’t seen much real growth, despite him saying all the right things. To be fair, he has grown – he did recently get a part-time gig, and is working harder in school, but I feel like it’s not enough.
One thing to note is that he’s been thinking he may have ADHD, which I feel like would explain a lot of this, but I am worried that even a diagnosis won’t change him in the ways I want him to. Is that even fair to him? I’ve been thinking that maybe this is just his lifestyle. It wouldn’t be fair to expect him to change like that. At the same time, he’s always agreed with me that he wants to change these things.
For these reasons, I’m considering breaking up with him. The reason I’m hesitating (apart from the fact that I love him) is because I’m wondering if these are flaws that can be worked through. Advice would be greatly appreciated!
TL;DR: I love my boyfriend and our relationship is great, but he has no drive or work ethic, and I’m scared our futures, finances, and parenting styles won’t match. After 5 years with no real change, I’m wondering if I should end things.
Cut your losses, I know easier said than done but this ain’t changing. This isn’t a fix it thingy. it’s time to move on and turn the next page in your life. Best of luck 👍
People rarely, almost never change for other people. They will change for themselves IF and when they decide they need to change. You would normally play very little role or have very little influence on that decision.
You need to think of yourself and make sure you are ok ! Never ever count on someone changing because you think they should change.
he just may have adhd and people with that affliction do really well on medication.
Who told you income shouldn’t matter? Get that idea out of your head. You aren’t talking about some charming man you’re just getting to know, you’re talking about the man who’s asking you to commit to living in his reality.
That includes committing to having a partner who will talk a lot about things that sound fun …some day.. in the future.. and never plan for anything.
Having a low to no motivation partner can be draining. Apart from the anxiety that comes when they get it in their head theyre not good enough any time you succeed in some way…there’s also the danger of becoming more apathetic yourself. Just rubs off on ya over time.
If he does have ADHD that could explain a lot. The lack of dopamine regulation absolutely kills motivation. It is possible for him to change some things with intervention.
It sounds like you have enough evidence to make your decision tho tbh. Theres no guarantee if you break up with him that you will find a man who is driven and who’s family acts more like how you’d prefer families act…but you do know you’re unhappy with the potential future you’re currently imagining.
You said he’s been talking about making an effort for over 2 years…
At this point, I’d probably sit down and tell him that while you don’t *want* to separate, he’s currently showing you that the two of you are not compatible long-term. You might share the same desires for the future, but he can’t expect you to be the only person working towards your shared goals. That’s a recipe for resentment.
Since this sounds like an otherwise healthy relationship, I wouldn’t close the door all the way. Some guys won’t change until you leave them. You’ve told him for years that his lack of motivation makes you uncertain about him, but you haven’t left him over it, so to him, that means it’s not a deal-breaker. He won’t understand that it is until he sees you walk out the door. A year or two from now, if he’s turned it around and has found it within himself to actually work toward a better future, then maybe you can revisit the relationship.
I’m saying all of this from experience. I broke up with a guy when I was in law school because we’d moved to a new city together and the only reason he came with me was because he’d always wanted to go through a specific program there, but after like 5 months, he hadn’t even looked into the program, went out all the time after work and spent all of his money, and didn’t really contribute around the house. He told me it was the best thing I could have done for him because it’s what kicked him into gear and made him get motivated. We didn’t get back together, but we remained good friends.