I’m a 27F. I dated a 27M for three and a half years. Our relationship was very toxic, we both hurt each other a lot, and my mental health deteriorated badly (we however loved each other deeply and never disrespected one another). I forced myself to leave the relationship even though I still loved him, because staying was affecting me too much psychologically.
After the breakup, he tried to contact me for months. I rejected all attempts because I knew I needed distance to heal and that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me at the time.
For about a year after the breakup, I focused on myself, work, family, gym, rebuilding my life. During that year, I had two very short flings. I slept with each guy once, nothing emotional, nothing ongoing.
A year after the breakup, something shifted in me. I started questioning my decision and feeling deep regret. I reached out to him, we met for coffee, and I explained honestly why I had left and that I now felt it was a mistake and wanted to try again.
He asked if anything happened during the year. I told him the truth about the two flings. He told me he had talked to many girls, done some things, but never had sex because he was heartbroken.
Since then, it’s been almost a year. We talk almost every day, go out together, act like a couple in public, share intimacy, basically do everything a couple does. However, he refuses to officially be with me.
When I ask why, he says he can’t get over the fact that I slept with two other men while we were broken up. He says he wants to be with me but “can’t” because of that. He struggles to understand how I could do that while he was suffering.
I keep telling him I understand his feelings, but we were not together, I never cheated, and at the time I was 100% sure I didn’t want to get back together. There were never any loyalty or cheating issues during our relationship, and even now we’re exclusive despite not being official.
I’m torn. Part of me thinks he’ll eventually get over it if I give it more time. Another part of me wonders if I’m hurting myself by waiting and accepting a relationship with no commitment.
From a man’s perspective:
– Is his reaction reasonable?
– Is this something men truly get over with time, or am I being strung along?
– Am I damaging myself by staying in this situation?
I’d really appreciate honest answers, even if they’re hard to hear.
That’s a lot of jedi mind tricking going for my pay grade.
Move on, theres nothing there for you ++man
To add to this: you don’t have time to sit here and wait for something like this. Life is short, and prime dating years are shorter, particularly if you want kids.
To be honest, it sounds like you were the one that broke up with him and forced the no contact. In that time you were both upset, however you were the one to sleep with two strangers.
I can see where he is coming from. I personally don’t know how I would feel if my partner left, slept with two other people and then wanted me back. I could probably never love her the way I did previously.
It’s not to say did anything wrong while you were separated. But at the same time, he is not necessarily doing anything wrong in not committing.
It’s not that he’s doing anything wrong, it’s that you either need to move past it or move on from the relationship and it’s been a year of them being back together…so yeah it’s time to move on.
This relationship sounds bad. You started the post by calling it toxic yourself.
His reaction is not reasonable- but that’s just to answer the question in the post, which ignores the real problem.
What would be more unreasonable is to get back into a relationship with this guy.
I don’t think he’s gonna get over it. I was in the same position my girl now ex took space but came back after a week but end up doing something she shouldn’t had during that week and blamed me lol and I couldn’t get over it and and same thing happened again but now we are not together. Mentally it was not good for me.
So better stay as friends if you can or leave each other for your own good.
I lost you at “relationship was toxic, so I left”. So you spend a year recovering from this trainwreck, and now you ready for round two? Back into the trenches?
Yeah I stopped reading after that line too
Depends on a man. I gues in his eyes you had a relationship, then you took a break, then you resumed so it is still same ongoing relationship except there are two dudes who slept with you. You didnt cheat but…it is in his head. You took a break, had fun and then resumed a relationship. Some men ignore it, some dont. I also suspect if he had some relationships or just plain sex while you werent together, he’d take it much better.
Hurt each other a lot, but didn’t ‘disrespect’ each other… wtf does that even mean. Sounds like you two were horrible together.
He has a problem with something you did, and he’s not going to get over it.
\- His reaction is reasonable to himself, that’s all that matters to him.
\- Don’t expect him to get over it
\- You are sacrificing your own emotional growth to be with this man.
Your post reads like AI.
This is really tricky and I think a lot of men experience something similar. My girlfriend and I spent six months apart, she slept with two people, so did I. I got over it and we got married. Now we are apart again, I suspect she is going to realise the grass wasn’t really greener outside the marriage, and will want to get back together again. How much of this do i put up with. It’s pretty poor behaviour to break up with someone and then change your mind.
Having said that, love is complicated, but the onus is on you to help him heal.
1. i wouldn’t say it’s reasonable but it’s understandable. You left him, fucked 2 people and then tried to get back with him. That’s not a great look from his perspective.
2. Maybe he can, but that’s not something anyone else can know
3. Yes probably, if it’s worth it is up to you two
Stay the eff out of this relationship. Anyone who cares about what you did when you were not in a relationship with them is WAYYYY to fucking small minded to be in a relationship with….full fucking stop..