We’re both in our late twenties.
I (M) am struggling with my fiancée. We’ve been together for 2.5 years, and for the past year and a half we’ve been having issues almost every other week. I eventually hit my limit and said I wanted to break up, because every time we had a conflict she’d get angry and say she didn’t want me anymore. It really hurt, especially because she still did it even after getting a ring.
When I finally said I was done, she suddenly became extremely accommodating. She agreed to things she had previously pushed back on like signing a prenup and not pressuring me to quit my job early to start studying for a better career path. The issue is that I’m not financially ready for that yet. If we broke up while I was studying, I’d be in real trouble because my income would drop a lot.
Now she wants us to start planning the wedding like booking a venue for 2027 because you need to do it far in advance. But to me, it feels way too soon. Especially when we still have all these unresolved issues. I need to see that she can regulate her emotions better, stop giving me the cold shoulder, stop getting sassy during every disagreement, and not start long arguments right before bedtime. I want us to be able to have calm conversations without her assuming everything I say is an attack.
Personally, I want to wait at least a year of things going well and actually seeing real improvement before we even consider booking a venue.
What do you think I should do?
Because from my perspective, talking about a wedding right now is way too early. For her, it’s like the wedding has to happen by a specific date, and that just feels wrong to me.
She’s trying to trap you ASAP, giant red flag.
Don’t get marry please. Deep inside you know this is a huge red flag.
Your gut feelings are correct. Do not give into her timing at all. If she perceives any legitimate issue you raise as an attack on her personally, that will only become worse if you are married to her. She is asking you to entertain a scenario that will ultimately leave you feeling trapped in a marriage. And don’t even consider it for at least a year unless she actually wants to do the work to be better. Do not ignore your gut
I have been in your shoes and it did not end well. Break it off now, don’t try to fix it. It should feel right all the time.
Amen
Narcissistic traits
Communicate clearly that you need measurable progress in conflict resolution before discussing wedding logistics
Say no.
This is fucking toxic and you need to break up and move one because a married life of toxicity will drive you insane.
While it is true that you typically need to book a venue well in advance of your wedding, the rest of this makes me think she’s not doing it because you actually need to, she’s doing it because she’s trying to get y’all started down the path to married. The “well we’ve put down a deposit on the venue so I can’t back out now” path.
If you want to make it work, sounds like she could benefit from therapy. You could probably also benefit from therapy, but definitely her. Maybe couples therapy, idk.
Or you could break up with her.
She is not changing. She is hiding her true self until you are married. A person does not change like flipping a switch. That isn’t real. Oh, and you better stop having sex with her because the baby will be on the way. Protection can fail or be sabotaged.
She sees you as her financial free ride. You know deep inside she shouldn’t be your wife. end of discussion.
Ending a Marriage is not like ending an engagement, you need both parties to consent for ending the marriage while you can immediately call off an engagement without lawyers and courts.
Marriage won’t fix her, it will actually make her worse since she will be legally tied to you.
Also watch out, she might try to baby-trap you. Check your condoms in case she might poke holes or tell you it’s her “safe day”.
Of you end up getting married, you better have a pre-nup. Or prepare for a lot of alimony and support payments