Before we married he was indifferent to starting a family and said it was up to me. I like my child free life and made that clear. A few years after marriage he is now talking about how badly he wants kids. I simply have zero interest in parenthood as a lifestyle. Is there a way we can work this out that won’t end in divorce?
Set him free
Probably divorce him. He’ll resent you otherwise
This is unfortunate, but there’s no middle ground here. And you will absolutely suffer the consequences of compromise and having children. Have a clarifying conversation, set clear boundaries, confirm what he wants. Then say goodbye.
This is the best advice. Have the conversation and if he is adamant then it is a dealbreaker, but try to get at the reasons for the change. Does he feel he is missing out? Is there family pressure? My wife wanted kids when we got married. I was indifferent and said it was her choice since she would be having them. After a few years she no longer wanted kids. We were (and still are) enjoying life and didn’t see friends and family as happy with them. I told her fine by me and we stayed child free. There was a lot of family pressure to have them, but we basically told everyone that it was none of their business and to F off.
Unfortunately, probably not. You two want diametrically opposed outcomes. One of you is going to have to fold for the other. The issue of kids isn’t something you can compromise on.
This is one of those issues it’s so important to have clear before a long term commitment. I would see his previous wishy washy answers to be a red flag.
This is a fundamental incompatibility. Sorry, but this is almost certainly going to mean divorce.
Exactly, when core values like having kids are at odds there’s really no compromise that keeps both happy.
Yeah, you can stay together but whichever route you choose, one of you will end up with resentment and is going to be unhappy. I’ve seen it happen.
Yep, no way around it. If they don’t split they’ll eventually resent each other.
Unless one of you changes your mind it is not possible to reconcile these two disparate positions. Divorce is the most likely outcome.
The only way I would compromise on kids is if I got to be the “Dad.” But as a woman I don’t think there is really a way to avoid becoming the default primary caregiver. So I’m out.
43M here. I have made it very clear to every partner I’ve had that I have no desire to have children. I like traveling the world for epic hikes and trail runs and children don’t fit into that lifestyle.
I’ve had multiple partners say they don’t want children and then down the line (months or even years) admit they’ve always wanted kids and were hoping they could change my mind. Choosing to have children/not have them is one of the biggest decisions of your life.
From the outside looking in, it’s easy to say you two are not compatible and shouldn’t have to compromise on something this big and life changing. This is a tough position for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Buy him an 80k bass boat and the truck to tow it with.
++ woman.
I was you. We agreed before marriage in being childfree. He AGREED and stated he did not want kids.
He changed his mind ~ 5 years into the marriage.
I thought really hard about it. I went to counseling for my own clarity. We went to counseling to discuss this fully.
Cut to the chase 2 years later we divorced.
He immediately remarried and had a kid.
I am in a 10+ year LTR and very very happy with a Childfree by choice man.
My regret is spending so much time “working on a fundamental incompatibility” before divorcing. I should have just divorced and felt the pain of the lost marriage and not drug it out.
Bonus tip- if you are at all on the fence ask him how he sees default parenting. My ex swore again and again he would be the default parent if I changed my mind. He would list all the tasks he would do as a parent and a partner in the marriage. I said OK, start doing the ones that manage our household now.
I told him we were out of a food and he didn’t go to the grocery for shopping as he said he would.
Laundry became a mountain.
The coffee table became a pile of his dishes because I stopped picking the up.
He grumbled about TP not magically appearing stocked in excess in bathrooms
We were clear- I said show me you will do the partner activities to managing our household so I can believe you will do the partnering activities to being a parent.
And he showed me.