Hi men,
I need some advice. My husband is 38, and lately, he seems to be going through what looks like a midlife crisis. He’s started balding, suddenly got very insecure about his height, compares himself to other men, and even wants to buy a new car. I also notice that he’s started questioning me such as if I would still be with him if he didn’t earn well or about his profession. I’m confused and not sure how to react. I try to support him in every way I can: I cook only his fav dishes, clean, do his laundry, make lunches so he eats home made food, have sex whenever and whatever he wants (I initiate too) , and make sure he knows I desire him. Just to add I work too. In addition, recently over the last two weeks, he’s started acting distant and cold toward me. I make an effort to take care of myself, dress nicely, work out, and maintain a healthy diet. I’ve suggested gym to help with confidence, but he doesn’t think it will help, saying that someone who isn’t born a male model can’t feel better. I really love him, but I don’t know what else I can do. How can I support him without losing myself in the process?
Thanks in advance.
It sounds like you’re doing quite a bit and the issue here isn’t on your side. Keep doing what you’re doing and if it doesn’t improve (because sometimes it’s just a phase and improves), let him go to a doctor and have his hormones checked. If everything is in order there, then maybe therapy may be necessary.
Both men and women go through difficult phases in their lives and when you’re married to someone, it affects you just as much. Make sure you’re maintaining your mental health as well.
Is he on social media a lot? If he is, he may be consuming content that’s bad for his self esteem that compares himself to other men, and feels like he doesn’t measure up. Or consuming rage bait material on social media (ie: videos/interviews of attractive women saying they prefer only tall/rich men). This stuff is absolutely toxic and messes with a man’s head (besides his thinning hair).
I don’t think this is specific to men, but we all go through a phase when we reflect on our own mortality and feel a bit of regret around waste of time. I’ve seen women go through this, and I personally have gone through it.
I think what you’re doing is amazing and I’m sure he’s very grateful. If I can add one thing, I would say try to find ways to just spend time together and be present. This reflection is not something people talk a lot about and it’s very lonely, even if you’re surrounded by people, but having someone you deeply love, hold your hand or go for a walk with you can mean in the world. During this time I wished for an unsolicited hug from people I loved. You are part of the solution because you are part of the beautiful life he has.
You don’t have to do something grand just the small things so he knows he’s not alone.
Piggy backing on this with the “just spend time” with each other. Keep it simple. Go to a movie. Take a walk. Anything easy. Don’t make it about helping him or trying to get him help. He could probably use a professional to talk to but he has to come to that conclusion on his own.
Everyone can get the funk. The hard part of loving someone in the funk is you want to help and the only *real* way to help is to just be there.
This doesn’t sound like a midlife crisis it sounds more like he’s been watching Manosphere drivel
TLDR: He needs counseling and you can’t do the work for him.
These things are real. My ex wife had hers so bad she literally ran away. Do not let this fester…
Sounds cliche, but he needs counseling. He needs to better understand himself and do the work. No matter how much boom boom you give or favorite dishes you make, this could lead to resentment on your end if he can’t reciprocate. It’s not your job to care for him, but to support him.
In order for him to do the work for both (of you) he needs to do the work on one (himself) first.
Purchases are easy and fleeting ways to alleviate the emotions and avoid actual growth. The root is still there…
In my exes case, she sought excitement in building new romantic relationships (minimal emotional investment, high risk, low return) frivolous purchases (immediate dopamine hit/perceived accomplishment) and other non sustainable things. I miss her terribly, but that is the path she chose- she really was my best friend. She lost her way.
Say thank you and I appreciate you doing that etc etc a lot more.
Randomly say you look go un that shirt.
Randomly grab his butt and growl playfully.
Cuddle into him from the front and trace your fingers on his chest.
We are simple creatures that normally are very starved for praise and attention. If I get a compliment im so grateful.
About 2 weeks ago my wife said how grateful she is for how I provide for the family, I just about cried. I make sure my wife and each of our girls andy son get at least one compliment every day from me. People need these things