Since my original post, Dave and I finally had a proper conversation. I gave him a call the day after the post.
He told me that what I said genuinely hurt him, but he also admitted that, deep down, he knew I was right. He ended up breaking down and opening up in a way he never has before. He said this isn’t the life he pictured for himself, that he feels like he’s let his family down, and that he worries it’s “too late” to turn things around.
For context I didn’t include earlier: Dave comes from a very strict Asian household. He was expected to become a high-earning professional, and while his two younger siblings have gone on to build successful careers and start families, Dave burned out in uni. He told me that watching his siblings thrive while he struggled has crushed his self-esteem over the years. He also revealed that his dad refuses to speak to him now. This is something I had no idea about until this conversation.
He said he did understand that I was coming from a place of love, but I apologised for the way my bluntness came across. He also apologised for the comment he made about my ex-fiancée, which really did cross a line, and we cleared the air there.
I tried reassuring him that he’s always been an incredible friend and a genuinely good person. I reminded him that his siblings used to look up to him (and still come to him for advice sometimes), which says a lot about who he is beyond his struggles.
I told him I’d support him however I reasonably can, but that real change has to come from him. And to his credit, he’s started taking some small steps: he promised to get back into basic self-care, look into therapy, and try easing himself into a routine again. He even went out, got his long greasy hair cut, shaved, and honestly he looks like a different person already. That alone seemed to lift his spirits a bit.
Going forward, I’m planning to approach things with more empathy and patience. Life has genuinely hit Dave hard, and I want to help him climb out of this rough spot at a pace that’s realistic for him. I know what it’s like to feel trapped in a dark place, and I’m hoping that with enough time and support, he’ll eventually find his way out.
We’re meeting up back in our hometown next week, and we’re going to be watching some of our favourite movies at his place!
Awesome update. You sound like a really good friend and that’s great.
I hope Dave finds himself again.
Thank you!
I hope so too. Very excited to hang out with him after a long while
Thank you for sharing. I think a lot of men really struggle to know what Emotionally available male friendships look and sound like and this is an excellent example of how to navigate the issue of male loneliness.
Good job, sometimes thats what friends are for – to tell truth, even if painful. Hopefully this will be push Dave needed badly for years to start looking forward again.
Original [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1qvxgu5/aitah_for_giving_my_friend_a_muchneeded_reality/).
Always happy to get good news 🙂
This is the best kind of update. Most people get defensive when you call them out, but Dave actually sat with it and opened up. The fact that he broke down means he was carrying all of that alone. You being honest might have been the first time someone gave him permission to stop pretending everything was fine.
Yep as a women I wish I could reach out to Dave and say “youre fine dude. Work on yourself on the small level. Care about hygiene and make small attempts to get out.”
Women aren’t as a whole callous. But we’re human and hygiene is important. He sound willing to listen to his faults. That’s huge. He doesn’t NEED a women in his life, but if he wants one hygiene and listening to advice and willingly taking it are huge.
& be aware, there’s likely going to be back sliding and even later denying what he said when he owned his responsibility.
You may want to learn a little bit about manipulative abuse.
Unfortunately, sometimes in our struggles with our mental health we feel the need to control as many things as people in our lives will let us control.
It’s not good and it ends poorly.
I might let a friend know that I am aware of that part of the cycle and ask them how I can help redirect them if and when it comes to that.
Aw, man. Parental pressure really does a number on people. It’s honestly never too late. My BFF had terrible anxiety as a teenager and young adult that made school difficult, but she got her degree at 50 and is pursuing her masters.
Believe in Dave and he can start believing In himself.
This is an amazing update.
I’m glad he’s starting to be in a better place, I really wish the best for both of you.
I can tell you really care about him. You’re a great friend, OP.
You guys should get married now