Last post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/V00xxT0Ezt
Hi, I had received an AH judgement on my post which made me reevaluate how I behaved then. On Sunday we were going to go out again. I took care of the reservation at a nice restaurant and stressed that we really need a window table. When we got there, we had to wait a few minutes but we got a window table. My wife joked that we got a good seat without any difficulties. I’m not 100% about this, but it seemed that comment of mine was still on her mind. So I took that opportunity to apologize again for my remark. She said it was all good, she knew and liked that I was easygoing but she just liked looking outside as well while eating, it was weirdly important to her. We had a great night.
Thanks to all those who commented on my last post , it gave me some good insight.
Do you see how you’re admitting to being the ah but still putting your wife down?
Looking outside while eating “was weirdly important to her”; you’re positioning her simple request as “weird” because it’s not something you prefer. Do you do this with other things she likes that you don’t? Do you put her in these situations where you’re telling her asserting herself makes her difficult or weird?
I think you should take a break from patting yourself on the back to do some more reflecting on how you treat your wife and why you feel so put off by her having a mind of her own.
She joked that it was weirdly important to her.
But that just means that she has been conditioned to downplay her own wants. Many women have. She doesn’t feel comfortable saying “it is important to me to sit by the window. I like to look out.” as a strong declarative statement. She is couching it as this weird little idiosyncrasy instead of a reasonable preference. Op I’m sure she has gotten this message long before she met you, but you have (hopefully) unintentionally reinforced the messaging. You have made a good first step, continue to make steps of seeing your wife’s preferences as important.
Because you put her down for it previously. She feels guilty for having normal preferences and puts herself down before you get the chance to.
She said that because she’s been taught that her wants aren’t important so she’s trying to be self-deprecating. She actually really wants to sit by the window and you would be a good partner if you let her know that she is not only allowed to want things but encouraged!
It’s a very passive aggressive stance to take and how is it weird if it’s important to her?
>She said it was all good, she knew and liked that I was easy-going but she just liked looking outside as well while eating, it was weirdly important to her.
See I read this as though she said something along the lines of “It’s all good, I just really like having a view, I guess it’s weirdly important to me”.
But you read this as the husband deciding that her opinion is weird.
All this blustering only for OP to take all the wind out of your sails by pointing out that you completely misread the post. Pearl clutching actually is being difficult.
Common wisdom: Always be on your partner’s side, especially publicly – or at the very least, not on the other side. Tuning and discussing about something is better done afterwards and with warmth.
Why does every man who describes himself as “easy going” get worked up like this?? It’s seriously a red flag to me
Narrator: Husband was not, in fact, “easy going.”
What they really mean is “conflict avoidant at all costs.” So they’ll make their partner uncomfortable or make them seem like they’re overreacting, but there’s zero courage to stand up for themselves or their partner. It’s easier to have conflict with their partner rather than dealing with the actual issue.
In my experience, a scenario like the original post is best dealt with by the “uninjured” party. His wife is upset, so he, as the not emotionally invested person, should take the lead on making it right. Your partner finds hairs in their food? You talk to the server for them (rather than making your partner feel bad and telling them to just deal for the sake of avoiding conflict, which I’ve experienced). Etc. Champion your partner and their feelings!
I am so glad I have a bf who also likes to have a nice seat. It’s not required, but if we can swing it, it’s worth the effort to arrange. Just because something isn’t important to you, doesn’t mean it’s “weird” or pointless
Truth: guy got dragged for being TA to wife; created a story to post so he’d be seen as the good guy; couldn’t help himself from sounding like TA in fictional date with wife.
I don’t think you really learned much. You’re still putting her down for no reason.