Happily married (29 F and 31 M). My husband only takes showers when he has done something dirty such as plumbing, going to the junk yard, or changing the oil in his truck. Essentially, he will not shower for a day or 2. We just recently had our son (1 month old), so family has been coming around a lot more often. More than once, family members have made a comment that my husband stinks. I think I’ve gotten used to the way he smells? But they have expressed that it’s pretty bad. What can I say to get my husband to regularly shower without being an asshole?
As tough as it can be, being blunt is often the most effective way of getting hygiene issues resolved. I haven’t had to do it with a loved one but I have had to do it a few times in a work capacity. The men I spoke to took it well, believe it or not.
Edit: maybe not “blunt”. But definitely direct and make it clear it is a problem.
This is what got me to brush my teeth regularly at 18. Someone told me outright, and it sort of shocked my system into good hygiene.
Tell him to take a shower and you can get romantic.
Or flat out tell him people have commented that he smells.
I don’t like the idea of transactional sex. Just tell him he stinks. You are gonna raise a child together for fucks sake.
But I’m also curious if this behaviour started after having the child. Maybe there’s something psychological going on.
Tell him that your family have pointed out that he smells. If that doesn’t get him to shower, I don’t think anything will
People should not have to parent their spouses. But you, apparently, do. Be honest. Tell him that people are complaining. That you notice it, too. Then explicitly tell him to shower at least 6 times per week and that includes bar soap in his swimsuit area (front and back) and underarms followed by an antiperspirant deodorant for his underarms. His parents failed him at some point in childhood.
I don’t understand why this falls soley to her. If her friends/family whatever have commented, could she not choose the more socially aware and kind ones among them to also mention, in private, to him? It wouldn’t even have to be insulting. It could be innocuous things, like “Someone’s been working hard”. Or throw in the word smell if he’s not getting it.
I’d be interested in what she has said or done so far, but she doesn’t mention.
++man Obviously OP knows her husband best, and he definitely might be the type where a blunt approach is best, but “everyone’s been talking behind your back about how you stink” is a pretty heavy thing to hit someone with especially when they’re (presumably) a little frayed with a new baby in the house. My tweak would be:
1. Tell him that you’ve noticed a smell (depending on how much gentleness is needed you could even soften it as asking a favor “Hey, I’ve been really sensitive to smells since the baby and I’ve been noticing…”)
2. If he’s dismissive or doesn’t act on it, *then* roll in that you’re not the only one who’s noticed.
3. If a nudge is all he needs, then great. If not, use the specific, measurable goals from this comment.
4. Assess for improvement (intentionally enough to get past your habituation, but subtly enough that he doesn’t feel he’s getting inspected.
5. If the problem persists, assess showering technique but also think about whether smells may be lingering on the clothes.
6. If he’s successful, “catch him being good.” Lots of genuine compliments about how good he smells will reinforce the new habit.
People shouldn’t have to parent their spouses, but people do sometimes have to have sensitive conversations with their spouses and sometimes parenting techniques generalize pretty well
I’m a man.
Tell him to get his scabby ass into the shower or he’s sleeping in the shed.
Don’t take no for an answer.
Dude as well.
Hit em straight is the way to be.
“Hun you smell, more often than not. Shower solves all that and we have one for daily use. Use it”
“Hey, I’ve had people make comments about body odor a lot recently. I think we need to have a discussion about basic hygiene.”
You don’t have to sugar coat it. Just directly address it.
“Dude you fuckin stink and it’s disgusting and *unattractive.*”
My woman says “whoa! You stink! Go take a shower.” So then I threaten to go lay on her side of the bed. And then I go take a shower.
By the time you’re married you’ve earned the right to tell a spouse to take a shower