Man… I know this isn’t about every guy, but I’m 23F and honestly I feel like I haven’t had much luck with friendships. I’ve had a few really good guy friends — like 2–3 — and two of them were people I genuinely trusted. I’d tell them they were my best friends, call them bro, talk to them like family. In my head, it was just a solid, comfortable friendship with no romantic angle.
But then a few months ago, one of them randomly asked me if I was a virgin. He already knew I hadn’t been dating for years, so that question just came out of nowhere. It made me feel weird and uncomfortable, so I kind of just backed away a bit. Then he tried to justify it like, “You’re 23, most girls your age aren’t virgins,” i just said … why does it matter, why are you asking? Why is it your business?
Two weeks later, he told me he likes me. I told him clearly I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
And then two days ago, another guy friend — someone I also thought of as one of my best friends — told me he liked me too.
I’m not angry at them. People have feelings, and you can’t control that, I get it. It’s just that I keep wondering… why can’t I just have a normal friendship with a guy without it eventually turning into something else? Like why can’t it just stay platonic? I really valued those friendships as they were.
And for the record, if anyone tries to say I must be giving off green signals or leading them on, please don’t. Romantic relationships are something I’m serious and emotional about. I’m not someone who plays with feelings, especially after being played myself before (lol, life). If I want something more than friendship, I’d say it. But I didn’t. I just wanted friends.
Idk, this has just been sitting in my head lately, I’ve also stopped talking to both of them. So like what should i do? And why do some guys do this?.
I’m sure you spending years relying on them like they’re your boyfriend had nothing to do with them thinking they could ask you to be your boyfriend.
As a former 23 yr old I’d say most guys look at a friend as a potential mate at that age.Hormones can be problematic
“Why can’t I rely on male friends like they’re a boyfriend while letting other men rearrange my insides”
Young women are lost.
I’m not really sure what to tell you- there’s nothing you can do. You’re in your 20s- you and all of your guy friends in your age group are adolescents. Those guys are at the horniest period of their lives, and all women are prospects to them. Not intellectually, necessarily, because they probably “know” it’s inappropriate, but young dudes aren’t really in control of that sort of thing.
I’m not making an excuse- it’s everybody’s responsibility to discipline themselves and modulate their behavior towards others. But yeah, you can’t prevent a young guy from seeing a young woman as a potential mate.
“Like why can’t it just stay platonic?”
Testosterone is a helluva drug.
Also (gross generalizations ahead), I think women tend to lose attraction to guys as they get to know him better unless they’re already in a relationship with him. (I.e. the more they know him, the more they see flaws that might be okay in a friend but wouldn’t be okay in a relationship)
Conversely, guys tend to grow more attracted with time in the absence of a relationship with someone else. The more he knows her, the more her good qualities have time to shine and if there’s already emotional connection and emotional intimacy as there would be in a good friendship, a relationship can seem like a natural evolution of that.
Exceptions exist and obviously this isn’t true for everyone but it explains why a guy might not initially like her physically but could develop more attraction over time where a woman might go in completely the other direction (starting out hot and bothered and getting less interested the more she knows him.)
I read an interesting article about this once. Sorry, I can’t remember where.
The theory is that women are generally more emotionally available in their platonic relationships, but men generally (within the limits of a generalistion) are less so. This means that when a heterosexual man and woman develop a stronger platonic friendship, the woman can become more willing to have ‘deeper’ conversations, and the man can interpret this as the relationship changing into something less platonic.
If the man then acts on this, the woman can feel betrayed / violated while the man can feel ‘led on’ and rejected. Nobody is a bad person, the whole thing just kind of sucks.
Obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone, but it certainly tracks with social norms and traditional concepts of masculinity in many countries.
Sorry you’ve had a bad experience.
Also, fwiw, randomly asking a friend if they are a virgin is wild. So is using that as a segue into asking someone out. That aspect is just one weird dude.
Because you are using them for validation and other boyfirend perks. They woukld rather make a move, get rejected, and end the friendship than be in the friendzone for life.
All the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment of a girlfriend.
Does your relationship with those men march any relationship they have with other men? Are men generally emotional and vulnerable with people they arent romantically interested in?
You can say “why do men do this” and the answer is that men interacting in any way deeper than casual acquaintance with a woman is an exception and is unique in this society. Men generally interact with men outside of romance.
It will happen again. Men dont have relationships like women do, generally speaking. Its not your fault and its not theirs. Them telling you they like you is them being honest and forward.
Unfortunately it is kind of just biology doing biology things.
If they were like your besties then I’m sure there was emotional vulnerability and alone time being spent together. With the combination of being a woman, who is willing to assume is attractive enough to have men interested, and the closeness of the relationship it would be abnormal for some sexual tension not to arise.
Men want to fuck every single attractive woman in the world, that does not mean that they are trying to, but in a vacuum only the very least attractive women possible couldn’t get it.
Mmm I think it often has to do with options. Men in general are more limited when it comes to options especially with women that they genuinely like being around. So its pretty natural for when they enjoy being around a woman and are regularly for feelings to develop
Note it isnt me saying they only like you cause their options are limited or whatever. But that since they are often lacking close female Co panionship its easier for those feelings to go from friends to romantic interest.
Obviously thats speculation based on my experience as a man. But yea
Why didn’t you like them as more then just a friend after getting to know them more intimately? They’re probably pretty upset that you rejected their love, no?
You don’t owe them shit but this is more of a 50/50 situation, where both are hurt by the result, arguably them more.
Men tend to have very few real friends and usualy they’re friends because of shared interests. Women don’t usually share those interests so right off the bat men usually have little reason to be friends with women. I’m not saying it can’t happen but it’ll be the exception rather than the norm.
Women expect things from friendship that most guys are not that interested in – emotional support, venting, talking about all the little things that happened during your day and gossip about this or that coworker which we usually couldn’t care less about. Guys will usually reserve such attachment to their partner – and it’s difficult for guys to get close to a woman like that without developing a romantic interest – if they’re giving it to you and you’re not their partner they’re probably doing it because they want you to be. For a lot of men (most? almost all) this stuff is work, it’s drama and complication when what we want from friends is simple and easy, and most guys would not be too happy to put this kind of work into you while you’re letting someone else taste your goodies. That’s what the cliche of the dreaded friendzone is all about.
Men and women are different and it’s naive to think that you can treat men in your life the same way you treat your girlfriends, and your relationship with them will be similar. If it seems like it is, that’s probably just a temporary arrangement and those guys are just waiting for the right opportunity to push it further.
Why are you so shocked that single men you have an emotional connect to develop feelings for you? honestly it would be weird if two single people who are attracted to each others genders wouldn’t have a friendship turn into romantic feelings. If there is no reason to not date, it’s crazy to most men that two friends would not want to see if there is more.