Before I start TW because I’ll be mentioning death and bodily fluids.
Just background to the story. My grandfather (75F) who we’ll call G is on his last legs, expected to be admitted to Hospice next week. My mother, who we’ll call M (49F) is his main carer with help from my gran-aunt (71F) who we’ll call C. Five months ago, he married A (70F). A has a disability but I’ll admit I don’t know which one but essentially the only things she ever does in life is sit down and only stand up when she wants to eat or go to the bathroom. She also speaks in short sentences.
But anyway on to the issue. A, C, M and I were going to visit my grandfather in hospital to be with him for a visit by a hospice consultant. When we arrived to pick up A from her home I had to use the bathroom and I walked in to discover that the floor was covered in dried vomit and the smell nearly made me sick myself. I asked A how long it was there for and she responded “three days”. I asked her if she could clean it up and she looked away. M and I took shifts cleaning it up and we went on to the hospital.
When we arrived to the hospital G was in a better humour than in a long time. He was sitting up and talking. He then did something that nearly made me cry with joy. For the first time in a week, he asked for a bowl of soup. C managed to flag down a nurse to get him a bowl of soup and he was happily eating away. A then asked my grandfather for a spoonful. He handed her his and she took a spoonful. And another. And another. M then chimed in and said “maybe we should let dad alone to finish his soup since he needs all the nutrients he can get” while shooting a death glare at A.
We stepped out to do some jobs. When we returned the soup was finished and G was nearly asleep. For the next 10 minutes, anytime G shut his eyes, A would say “I’m starving”. G asked M to bring A down to the canteen to get a sandwich. M was uncomfortable with it because the Hospice consultant was due any minute. I volunteered to bring her down. As she was sitting down with her sandwich I got a call that the consultant was there so I decided to leave A to finish her lunch. She was okay with it.
After the consultant left and A was back G wanted to talk about funeral arrangements. He said he wants to die in the Hospice. A spoke up saying she wants him to die at home. G insisted on not dying at home but I’m not sure if A understood. M was already finding it hard to have this discussion and she was getting visibly mad at A. He also said that M, C, A, and I was to invite a select few back to the local bar after and A said that she doesn’t want to have a party after a funeral.
After we dropped A home M and I went over to visit my grandmother (who G divorced but they’re still amicable) and she asked if we still want to have a relationship with A after G dies. I didn’t know how to respond but I don’t know if I do. This isn’t the first time something like yesterday happened. But is that a really horrible thing to do?
If A hasn’t been in your life all that long, I can understand not wanting a relationship with her and that’s okay.
But I do wonder where her family and relatives is in all of this. Some of it might be how you’re story telling but it sounds like maybe something is going on health wise that might be worth investigating. A lot of what you’ve described kind of reminds me of how my gran was in the early days of her dementia.
NAH
I’m not really sure. At her wedding she only had 3 or 4 distant relatives. We don’t know anything about her. She is a very divisive figure in our family though. My uncles, who are not taking part in funeral preparation want absolutely nothing to do with her. My father and brother are the same. My mother, C and I are the only real ones who help her out currently.
NTA. It is sad if she has no one else but do you want to commit to being a carer for someone you have known 5 months? That it doesn’t really sound like you even like? That is one of the hardest jobs caring for another person like that. If you wanted to help her you could get her in touch with someone who can help her apply for programs.
Also it sounds like she may be helping speed up your grandfather’s decline unfortunately. Eating someone’s soup like that is so selfish and not allowing him to rest? No wonder he wants to stay in hospice, it sounds like he knows he needs peace he won’t get at home with her.
I had a step-gran. My granny died in 1990. Grandad remarried (more for companionship than anything else) probably early 2000’s. Certainly I was fully grown when they married. I got on with her well enough, but we were never exactly close. She was \*first name\* to me, rather than Granny.
Here its an odd one. I don’t know how close your Grandad and A are. It could be like my Grandad, and it’s more for companionship than romantic stuff.
With regard to your Grandad’s wishes? His must take precedence over A. And I’d say that even if A was your Grandmother. But I’d still counsel compassion for A. Clearly there’s some kind of bond there, even if it’s one that doesn’t extend to other family members.
Whether you choose to have a relationship with A after your Grandad has passed on is entirely your call. But for compassion, I think I’d want to ease out of it, rather than “well, that’s your husband dead, no more extended family for you”.
NTA
This isn’t even really a step anything. She is a woman who was married to your grandfather for 6 months.
NTA – you barely know her. From your description she also isn’t looking to get to know you. I don’t know how her relationship with your Grandpa works but she doesn’t have one from you. Just because you have spent time in her proximity doesn’t mean you are responsible. I am closer to coworkers than you are to her and I wouldn’t volunteer to help them through hospice…
For me, the moment my father passed and we had the funeral, I never stepped foot in his house (25 miles away) nor saw his wife again. Neither my brother nor I have any contact with her. It wasn’t rancor just apathy. She was a selfish woman (not to the level of most Reddit posts) but she treated Dad well enough. She was companionship after my mother died and he was a generous man who gave her just about everything she wanted.
I check the obits every now and then and realtor.com to see if the house goes up for sale. It’s been 9 years. Nothing yet. Yeah, I want to know, but I’m not mourning when it happens.
You’re not under any familial responsibility, but would it mean anything to your grandad? My aunt specifically asked my grandad before his passing how he would feel if people didn’t maintain a relationship with his second wife after his passing. He said he knew she had spent 30 odd years upsetting people and making it difficult for his children to visit him, he didn’t want anyone to maintain a relationship on his behalf.
Despite this my Dad who both never made a secret of disliking her, but also never stopped her nonsense preventing him and by extension us seeing grandad has kept in touch. He sends Christmas and birthday cards and flowers on what would have been their wedding anniversary on behalf of his dad. He’s popped over a couple of times to fix things around the house and when my grandads wake was split across two locations one with his side of the family and another arranged by her he insisted we pop into hers for an hour just to show our faces before returning to the house our side of the family had rented to stay together for the weekend.
I asked him a few years ago why, and he explained we may not have liked her but his dad did, and was it the other way round he would have been upset if her children acted like grandad didn’t exist. He also wouldn’t accept what was said to his sister because it’s hard to know how lucid grandad was at the time due to his health and even if he was lucid, Dad knew his Dad as the sort of person who would put the feelings of others before his own wishes.
It’s a personal decision and whilst his sister will berate him for it and I’ve chosen not to have her in my life, I respect Dad a lot for doing it and would likely do the same for him in that situation 😊
NTA – You’re neither strangers nor family yet at this point. IMO, you two are just above acquaintances, considering she’s someone who your grandpa married just 5 months ago. Though I don’t think you have any familial obligations to her. You can stay in touch and be civil with each other but you don’t have to feel obligated to take care of her.
NTA
NTA…you don’t really have any sort of relationship with this woman. If you feel a sense of responsibility, you might contact your local senior services (Council on Aging if you are in America) and have them do an assessment so they can get her hooked up with the services she will obviously need once your grandfather has passed on.