I’ve posted this on am I overreacting, but I wanted to get some advice from here as well.
I (21F) don’t get along with my mom’s brother. He’s said some pretty nasty things to and about me before and trying to get my mom to intervene or do something besides just saying ‘well he’s just an asshole’ has never worked. Once it even led to her saying she would ‘always pick him over me’ when I told her I didn’t want to come see her on the weekends if he was going to be there.
For some backstory, I recently got a dorm room without a roommate, and my mom sent a text to my bf’s mom ‘warning’ her about us potentially being alone together. When my mom and I were alone, I told her that was inappropriate, and she should have that conversation with me if she’s concerned. She said she was just being cautious. I thought that was the end of it, but she brought it up to my extended family to try and get support for it.
On my mom’s birthday last week, I went to dinner with my family, her parents, and her brother. Her brother asked me loudly, “So, has (bf’s name) come to visit you at your dorm yet” in a really creepy voice. This comment made me really uncomfortable, and I was upset that he’d make that kind of comment about me in front of my grandparents and entire family, but I didn’t say anything to avoid making a scene at my mom’s birthday. No one else said anything either, but my dad said he was mad about it when I complained to him.
Later, my mom continued to make jokes about this, asking if I’m ‘even attracted to my bf’, and my brothers started calling themselves (bf’s name)’s condoms as an insult. That threw me over the edge, and I told my mom that she needs to have a conversation with everyone that it isn’t ok to make jokes like that, because it’s incredibly inappropriate and creepy. I said it is her fault they all think it’s ok to talk like that because she’s the one who brought a private matter between me and her in front of the whole family to begin with. I said that she needs to explain this to her brother before I see him again, or I will. I also said I’m going to require proof from her (text screen shot).
The thing is, she’s not doing anything. When I blew up at her she just said, ‘fine I will’, but she hasn’t said anything to him yet. My dad yelled at my brothers, which I’m grateful for, but I feel like she should be the one to have to address this with all of them. I’m supposed to have dinner with all of them including my uncle and grandfather this weekend (my parent’s financial support is contingent on me going to these every weekend, although my dad agrees that this is a stupid expectation). I’m considering if I would be the asshole if during that dinner I say “(uncle), my mom has something to say to you about that comments you made to me on her birthday”, and force her to deal with it if she hasn’t by then. I just really don’t know how to handle this situation or what would even be a reasonable next step for me. Any advice would be appreciated.
NTA – Call her out and get a part time job/student loans. It’s not worth your mental health to deal with this level of toxicity for financial support. She obviously isn’t taking it seriously or care about your feelings/well-being. The more they’re allowed to do it without consequences, the more they’ll continue in the future.
If your uncle keeps heckling you about your sex life, ask him how often he thinks about you having sex.
“With how often you make comments about my sex life, one might wonder just how often you think about it. Do you often think about me having sex? Or performing sexual favors? Do you ever think about me doing these things with you? You just seem very interested in specifics about my life that would be none of your business if we didn’t know each other.”
Do this and post an update!
NTA. My advice, as someone who has also been cursed with the “I’m just an asshole, and you have to accept that to be around me” type of family? They don’t see a problem with their behavior; if you try to point it out them, they will almost always decide you’re just the problem and you “can’t handle” them.
Unfortunately, if you need that financial support, you’re in a sticky situation. I’m sorry you’re stuck there— I genuinely get how frustrating those people are. When you’re in a position to distance yourself from them, it will be such a relief. For now, I would point blank tell them you will not engage with them when they make those jokes and then just ignore them if you’re okay with the feathers that will ruffle.
If you think you can push it a bit without getting in trouble with your mother, I’d just announce at dinner that you and your mother talked and you’ve both agreed that your family’s comments are inappropriate. If your mother disagrees, you can play dumb— “Mom, that’s not what you said the other night; dad even yelled at \[brothers\] about it.” But I would prioritize keeping that financial support.
NTA. Leave your family out of it. Your mimicking your mom’s bad act of bringing your uncle in to this.
> “(uncle), my mom has something to say to you about that comments you made to me on her birthday”
You know how that ACTUALLY going to go.
Just have the convo with your mom. You don’t get along with her. Thats the issue.
NTA. Based on what you’ve described, you might just wait for the next gross comment, and then say something. Feel free to tell your uncle his interest in your sex life comes across as “rapey”. Ask him if he routinely corners young women to make them uncomfortable, so he can feel powerful. Ask your mom in front of every if he’s ever sexually assaulted her, and if that’s why she’s so comfortable letting him speak to you this way. Tell her it’s not normal, and she deserves to feel safe, too.
Mind you, this is a nuclear option. Some of them will think you’re an AH. However, it seems completely unreasonable to demand your presence at dinner if they’re just going to use dinner as a venue to make you uncomfortable. I’d wait for them to fire the first shot, but feel free to unload on them once they do. They should feel as uncomfortable as you do.
Why won’t you just go no contact with your mom why won’t you just tell her that until you know for a fact that she has talked to people about this and decided that they’re not gonna talk about it or joke about it and she’s gonna keep her brother and check did you don’t want any contact with her don’t answer her taxes don’t answer the phone for herDon’t listen to voicemails and if you have to block her number.
NTA, but like, maybe you should be a little bit more of an asshole? Don’t expect your mom to fix anything, she’s already taken her side against you. Tell your uncle off for being a creep. Loudly and in front of people. Clearly no one in your family is interested in protecting you from your mom and her brother.
Nta, your family is toxic af, maybe with the exception of your Dad who has no balls when it comes to defending you.
Either go as LC as possible or start getting really nasty back.
Does your uncle have a partner or wife?
Ask him if he is still an incel, same with your brothers.
You do not have to be your family’s verbal punch bag and subject of their so called jokes.
Three words… traumatize them back.
Ask them even more inappropriate questions about their sex life. Ask your uncle why he thinks about you having sex so often if he’s so obsessed with talking about this. Ask your mom why she includes a pervert at the dinner table. Theres lots of ways.
They do this because it upsets you. Thats the whole reason. They’re enjoying upsetting you and the control they have over your emotions when they bring this up. Reverse uno them and then never act upset again. Straight up act like they never spoke if they ask you something inappropriate. Dont trust your mother anymore. Dads a good egg for defending you.
NTA. I like your idea of saying your mom has something to say to them.
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That said, your mom has come right old and told you that your brother is more important than you. She clearly is just going to support his bad choices.
She is also being really negative and went behind your back to your boyfriend’s mother. You are 21 and if you want to have s\*x with your boyfriend all day and all night, you can do that. Her lack of respect for doing that to you says a whole lot about her character. If my parents had done that to me at 21, I would have gone no contact with them.
The whole thing is none of her business and she is being super toxic and controlling. She needs a time out from your life imo, go low or no contact and get out the drama imo.
Just start making a comment to your uncle and mom and brothers everytime. Look confused and ask why they are thinking about your sex life. Look judgmental and say what a weird thing to say to your sister/niece/daughter. Ask them why they said that, was it to make you uncomfortable or to feel inferior because it comes off creepy. Just put them on the spot every time in a dismissive way. I have a creepy grandfather and would say loudly “thats weird grandpa im your grandaughter did you forget” or turn to someone else and stage whisper “that was weird, right”. It will lesson if you dont play into it but instead flip it back onto them.
I wonder what happened in your mother and her brother’s upbringing to make them so sexually creepy.
Your only advocate is your father. Tell him to please allow you not to go to get-togethers with your mother’s family, but only with his. Explain to him that your mother and her brother have very dirty minds and have a prurient interest in you, assuming sexual activities that not only are not happening (say this whether you and your boyfriend are intimate or not) but are none of their business. Also tell him she said she would choose her brother over you. Your mother and her brother are sexualizing you.
I would not want to bring future children to your family home. In fact, I would ask your father to come on his own to visit your future family.
YWNBTA, but your mother already said she’d choose her brother over you. I don’t think it would go anywhere, which is why I would not go.
NTA
As someone else said, stand up for yourself and confront him about all of his invasive questions about your relationship and sex life.
“Damn dude, have you always been this much of a creepy pervert wanting to know about family members relationships and sex lives or have you just been hitting the incest porn a bit too much lately? It is none of your business, and if your warped mind somehow thinks it is, you should find a therapist who can help you address that.”
Then if he ever says something again while you are around, you can just ask him if he has started therapy yet.