EDIT: It’s a safe same-continent country with the same currency. Tom isn’t dangerous or abusive, he’s just 19 and immature. This is not about my enjoyment as I believe myself to enjoy the trip regardless of my emotional attachment to Tom. This is exclusively on how fucked up it would be on the parents to host me.
I (20F) have been dating this guy (19M)–let’s call him Tom–for around 4 months. About a month ago he sort of coerced me into visiting his home country and go to his parents house to stay for a week when I had free days from University. I initially didn’t want to go because I thought it was pretty expensive and I’m a student without a job, as well as it having been extremely early in the relationship, but he insisted to the point of making me feel bad for it, so I ended up agreeing to booking the flight.
I booked the flight, which was non-refundable, and from that point onwards Tom has been acting like an immature ignorant prick. I believe he thought I was unable to leave because of the future plans we made (which he was right about to be fair), so he just stopped caring.
I don’t think the relationship is salvageable at this point, so I only have 3 options about the travel:
Either I don’t go and lose that money, since I cannot refund the tickets.
I stay with him and try to be as dismissive about his attitude as possible, just enjoy the vacation and figure out the relationship status after it.
Go on the vacation but without him. Meaning getting a hotel and food. Which I don’t have the budget for.
I have a really strong sense of money and I HATE wasting it, so I refuse to do that first option. If anything I would force him to reimburse that money for wasting my time and energy (not a good idea) since he was the one to force me to go.
I don’t have money to get a hotel and food for myself, and the date is too close, so the prices are really expensive.
My only actual option is going on the vacation and taking advantage of Tom’s parents, which have done nothing wrong to me, and stay with them in their home.
I’m aware that it’s a shitty move, specially knowing that we will probably not last much longer after the vacation. They’d be providing a place to sleep and food for both of us, but I’d pay for any activities for myself of course.
I could try to buy my own food and just ask for a place to cook them, as well as clean and help around the house so I’m not fully a leech (though I doubt his parents would allow me to provide for myself), but otherwise just treat it as a solo travel or traveling with a friend and do tourism on my own, since Tom doesn’t like museums or anything intellectually stimulating and I refuse to stay inside a house for a week in another country.
I talked about this with my friends and mom and got mixed opinions. My mom told me to go and just live in the moment, my best friend though said it wasn’t moral to take advantage of his family like that knowing I was planning on breaking up.
Tom has stayed with my family too and they have provided for food and let him stay, so I don’t feel that awful about it as it’s just fair.
I’m not asking for advice on my relationship, as I’ll deal with it at some point whether we go through it or not, just the moral dilemma of the travel.
Girl do not go that sounds like a thriller movie waiting to happen.
I would rather waste money and miss out on the vacation then spend another minute with a man that is a immature ignorant prick.
Check to see if the flight is truly non-refundable. Some flights listed as non-refundable may actually be cancelled and a credit issued for a future flight on that airline. If that’s possible, it would be a safer option for you.
I’m not sure how much you spent, but I would consider it the price of finding out your boyfriend isn’t a good person. Then you can look at it as money well spent. Spending more time with someone who isn’t good to or for you would be the real waste. NTA
Think is Sunk Cost Fallacy 101. The solution is incredibly simple.
Think of it this way. If you make yourself dinner, and it ends up being cooked wrong, and is making you sick, do you continue eating it, getting sicker and sicker? Because you spent money on ingredients, you’re going to force yourself to eat them, making yourself more and more miserable and ill?
Of course not. That’s the silliest thing ever.
So why would you go and visit his parents for a week, being miserable and awkward, making THEM awkward in their own home, while you keep spending even more and more money you don’t have. You’ll be missing school and work (losing even more money).
You literally only have one sane and reasonable option. Cancel the trip. Cancel the boyfriend. You’re not going to lose any more money by not going. (In fact, you stop the loss of money by not going) You’ve already lost the flight money whether you go or not. The question is, do you want to keep losing more money, and keep making yourself miserable?
Sunk cost fallacy. Google it, then make the only logical decision.
Have you looked at hostels there? They are usually pretty cheap and some have communal kitchens so you could cook to keep things inexpensive.
Sounds like someone is going to find your body buried in basement in 50 years. Don’t go. So what if you didn’t “use” the money. Call it an expensive lesson. Don’t stay with some dude who clearly doesn’t even like you just to go on a “holiday/ horror trip” to visit his parents. And grow up. Start realising that your “no” has power. When you say no, mean it. And don’t ever put yourself in a situation where being with someone is costing you more than money you don’t want to spend.
NTA, unless you stay and risk your life with a guy who doesn’t care about you.
You’re thinking way too much about the morality of this.
Right now, you are paying the stupid tax. You knew it was too early in the relationship, you let someone twist your arm into doing something you weren’t ready for, and you bought a plane ticket that was non-refundable without any insurance or anything so you could recuperate at least some of your money. Let’s be real, that was stupid. There were many steps along the way where you could have prevented this from happening.
I honestly think at this point, you should just not go on this vacation. Not only are you going to be spending time with this guy who you don’t like, you will also end up spending more money that you don’t have and you will likely not even enjoy the trip because you’re obsessively focused on not being a freeloader to his parents. I don’t think you are going to enjoy this and I think you’ll feel even sicker after wasting even more money.
YTA if you still go. Don’t do that to yourself. Sometimes you need to cut off a financial loss before it becomes an even bigger one
The ticket might have the name change option, if prices skyrocketed since the time you bought it you could try to resell it at the original price + name change fees or original price including name change fees if you want to have more chances, in the latter case you wouldn’t have full refund but most of it.
I couldn’t be a whole week in the same house with a person I barely tolerate, but if you feel like you can do it then go and stay with his parents, hoping they’re good persons and they’ll bring you around etc..
Are you able to change your flight? Could you break up with him and then change your flight to something that feels like a mini vacation for you ?
Usually when you cancel a flight they give you a credit to use towards another one. Even if they don’t, cancel immediately. I’ve eaten costs of flights before. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s better than staying in a relationship longer than you should. Don’t waste your own time on Tom and don’t let his family get invested in you. Leave the relationship now and be done with it.
Don’t stay with his family. I don’t know what country we’re talking about here, but there is a very good chance you will not be safe. It honestly sounds like this was his plan all along… trick you into a relationship, force you to travel with him, and then… who knows. You might be walking into a human trafficking situation. I know that sounds extreme, but…. stranger things have happened.
I would just take the loss on the plane ticket. Call the airline and find out what your options are. Just because it says “non-refundable” doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t change the flight to somewhere else, or use it at a later date.
Even just taking the loss on the flight would cost way less money than going on the trip and paying for food and hotel yourself.
But, whatever you do, do NOT go to his family. This relationship is over. If you DO decide to go to his home country anyway, do not TELL him that you’re going. If he knows what flight you were supposed to be on, change your flight. Pay the change fee. Seriously… this all sounds very shady and you might be in very real danger.
You’ve spent the money. It’s gone.
Your options are
– Attempt to negotiate with the airline (switching might be possible).
– Write off the flight and do something fun and cheap at home.
– Write off both Tom and the flight.
– Have a miserable time with Tom and his family.
– Spend even more money on a vacation in Tom’s locale, sans Tom.
The first three options are reasonable. The fourth is a truly lousy idea. The last is expensive. You decide.
Stay at a Hostel. They are affordable, and you can check the reviews to find a really good/safe one. Also, at a Hostel, you will meet other kids around your age that are on vacation, and you won’t be alone.