Im in my junior year of high school and I take 6 subjects. In my midterms, I scored average overall but had a few decent marks. In one subject, I scored 79/80, which, as a girl who went from straight A’s to average, was kind of a big deal for me. I also got 65/80 and 69/80 on two other subjects. I had also scored a little low in two subjects, 36/60 and 50-smth/80.
On my results day, my mother only looked at the latter two subjects and told me to study more. Even my teacher said I had improved a lot in the 79/80 aspect. She (my mother) didn’t even bat an eye towards it and it kind of hit me cuz I was proud of myself for the first time in years.
After my results day, my mother told me to study my low mark subjects well and get good marks next time and all. Fast forward a month or so, she started going on Abt these subjects and i finally had enough so i, as nicely as I could muster, told her that she didn’t look at my good marks. I asked her which subject I had an A+ in, and she completely went off. She told me that having only one A doesn’t matter and I need full A’s.
I went on to tell her that yes, I do perform average in school, buy could she atleast acknowledge my good marks? I don’t need a party or anything, she just has to look at it atleast. She scolded me again for around five minutes and by that time I had given up trying to tell her anything. It really hit me hard cuz, I’m trying man.
And then a few days ago she was talking or smth and this came up again. Atp I was just tired of it so I said nothing but I still think, aita for saying that to my mother?
Ps- if it matters, I’m also asian? Though my parents are not as struct as the typical asian parent, my mother is kind of hard on me cuz I used to be the top of the class when I was younger and I burnt out.
Edit- i crossposted this to r/AITAH and they said i failed. Ig I did but my school’s pass mark is 30% so id need to get 18/60 or 24/80 to fail
I read all of the advice everyone gave me and tried to reply to everyone. Thank you all so so so much for all the advice and help. i understand now. Hopefully I’ll update in the future after my boards which are in a few days with better grades
Looks like to me you could study harder.
79/80 is studying hard. The OP went from burned-out straight-A student back to near-perfect on that subject, and that comeback deserves more than a shrug. Not every situation is a “try harder” one. Sometimes people need acknowledgment first so they can keep going.
She went from burning out on straight A’s to hitting 79/80 on a subject she was struggling with. That is a comeback. Telling her to study harder on top of a mom who already won’t acknowledge it is the last thing she needs. Wanting a single “good job” is not asking for much.
I get you. My dad would always notice the grades I was struggling with and just kind of glossed over the ones I was doing well in. I would get so angry – didn’t you notice that I went from a B to an A? It made me feel like my hard work didn’t matter at all if I wasn’t perfect. I know that wasn’t what he intended, but it was the result. There was a part of me that wanted to stop trying so hard in my good classes if I was just going to get scolded anyway.
I have a PhD now. Getting some lower grades in high school didn’t stop me from achieving.
It’s okay to feel frustrated. Your mom wants what’s best for you but she has blinders on. Depending on your relationship, you might try telling her “I understand that you’re disappointed in some of my grades, but it would mean a lot to me if you said more about what I’m doing well and where I improved. I worked hard on those grades, and when you only talk about the problems it makes me feel like my hard work didn’t matter. I’m working on doing better in all of my subjects. It helps me feel motivated when I think of how proud you are when I have good grades.”
NTA for telling your mother that you would like acknowledgement for your successes – or even word it like “I’m really happy that I brought my mark up to 79/80! I worked hard and it paid off!”
You say “extensively”, and that is a bit worrying because sometimes people are simply not going to change, and continuing to try to persuade them to do so is not helpful to anyone. It is much better to accept that they won’t change and find validation and encouragement elsewhere – in your own satisfaction at doing well, or from friends or teachers. You can also change your response “OK, Mom is just focusing on the marks I still need to improve, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy with the good ones (or she isn’t happy with the good ones).
I have heard many things about demanding Asian parents, but this response is not limited to Asian parents. I am not Asian, but I still remember when I brought home a good mark, something like 98%, and one of my parents said, only half as a joke, “What happened to the other two marks?” Glancing over the good marks on a report card and then focusing on the subject I didn’t do so well on was also common. You are not alone in experiencing this sort of thing!
NTA – a lot of us grew up with unsupportive parents. Learn to champion for yourself. Be proud of yourself in your little accomplishments. Use that to motivate you.
I remember to this day a test I took while sick and tired and scored a 36/30, counting bonus points. My mother glanced at it and said it was nothing but my obligation. It’s been 19 years and I still remember it to this day.
It’s difficult to give feedback, but it’s necessary to acknowledge good and bad so people can improve. You are absolutely correct in needing appreciation for your efforts. It shows you are committed, it shows you are trying and it shows you’ve found ways to improve that are working. Now it’s time to map out what they are so you can apply that to other subjects.
Your mom thinks she’s motivating you with her high expectations, but she’s not. She’s creating impossible goals no one would achieve out of the blue. Everything is a process. (And I say that as a teacher.)
Otherwise, you will go into a path of simple frustration, burn out and poor self esteem.
Definitely NTA.
Your mother’s opinion of your grades shouldn’t diminish the fact that you did your best and worked hard. If you are proud of yourself, that’s all that matters.
Im kind of proud for the 79 and feel kind of good for the 60-s. Obviously I don’t feel good about the low grades but I’ll study more. Thx
If you think you need help in certain subjects, ask for tutoring. There’s no shame in that. Your mother’s constant criticism and shame also can hurt your mental health which in turn can hurt your motivation to study. 🤗