For context, I’m in my mid-twenties, recently married. My husband and I had a rocky start to our marriage following some pretty severe boundary crossing at our wedding and shortly after our wedding on behalf of my mother in law. She makes me incredibly uncomfortable and despite me trying to find a way to have a cordial/polite relationship I fear she enjoys poking fun at me in public settings.
My husband’s cousin is having her engagement party end of Februrary. She and I have a lovely relationship, we’re not the closest per se but text a few times a week and my husband and I love spending time with her and her fiancé and see them somewhat regularly. I’d love to be there to celebrate them both but the thought of running into my MIL terrifies me. The last time I saw her she bulldozed over me and made me cry (in my own house) and despite my husband standing up for me she seems not remorseful.
What should I do? WIBTA for staying home, and having my husband be the one to represent us both at the party?
INFO: Where is your husband in all of this? He should be actively defending you…
ESH
You didn’t provide actual examples of what your MIL has done, but I’ll believe you that she’s an asshole.
However, you can’t just not attend family functions for the next 50 years until she dies. In this specific example that’s not fair to this cousin you claim to have a good relationship with, and it’s not fair to yourself.
Sounds like your husband stands up for you, that’s good. Keep a united front, grow a little bit of a backbone and thicker skin, and don’t give her the time of day.
Good luck.
Good answer. This is going to cause friction between OP and husband and other family and lead to isolation on that front. If OP and husband are ok not seeing family much, I guess fine. But OP likes cousin. Stand up for yourself, avoid MIL and mingle with others, MIL sounds like a bully and OP is making herself an easy target
This and I would add that not going because of HER gives her power over you. Don’t let her have that kind of influence on your life. Go to the party (if you want to) to support this cousin that you like and ignore the M-I-L. If she starts whatever nonsense you say she does, just walk away or laugh at her. Why let your M-I-L dictate where you go?
NTA, but you have ’til the end of February, so I would take the cousin out to lunch and explain your feelings before the engagement party. (If you would be taking a gift to the party, give it to them at this lunch.) It would help smooth over any hurt she might feel over your not being there, and it might gain you an ally in future family gatherings.
Also, don’t let your MIL disrespect you in your own home! **She can leave.** You can go no contact with her, and she just doesn’t come to your house at all. She doesn’t get to insult you and make you cry in your own home! Your husband should have your back in this, and if he doesn’t, I would think long and hard about having children with him, because you’ll get bulldozed over every parenting decision she doesn’t agree with.
✨ Edited to add, yes I read that your husband stood up for you, but that doesn’t mean he’ll throw his mother out of the house.
Boundaries are about you and your behavior. Sounds like you were maybe getting rules / boundaries mixed up.
For example, a boundary would be like this “I am not going to attend any family activities where my MIL is present.”
Not “MIL you can’t do that”
Anyway. Are you just going to avoid all family gatherings from here on out? What happens if you have kids? Do you plan on going low or no contact? Those are things to consider.
Anyway, it’s fine not to attend but it would probably help if you maybe met the cousin for coffee and have her the gift there. You want to steer the narrative. I have a nightmare MIL too and the decision to keep my inner peace was the best ever.
You should go to the engagement party and be there for your husband’s cousin because it sounds like you two are close and get along well, they are your family now and you can’t avoid all of the family functions just because someone you don’t like will be there. If your MIL is there stand firm and do not let her get to you. If she pokes fun or insults you just ask “Can you repeat that?”, “What do you mean by that?”, “Are you okay?”, “Why would you ask/say something like that?”. Embarrass her right back, do not let her steamroll you.
I’m so incredibly happy for you both, but for my own peace of mind, I’ve decided to sit this one out to avoid a difficult family dynamic. [Husband] will be there to celebrate for both of us, and I’d love to take you guys out for a celebratory dinner soon so I can toast you properly!
NTA. But honey, grow a backbone and stand up to MIL.
I think you have two choices – don’t go, which is fine. Or, go, and let her make a fool of herself while you don’t give her the time of day. Why should you have to forego stuff because of her? Either way, NTA
Ultimately, YWNBTA for avoiding your MIL, but skipping family events for the next few decades is likely to create other problems.
Since you said (in another comment) that your husband supports you in this, you should consider attending the event, staying side-by-side with your husband, actively avoiding your MIL, and letting your husband handle things if she tries to interact with you or separate him from you.
Either you cut your MIL out of your life, which probably means no family events for your husband, or you learn to politely tell MIL to fuck off and walk away from her.
“I find that comment somewhat disrespectful.” “I don’t wish to discuss this subject with you.” “Ive asked you before not to comment on my body. Why haven’t you respected that?”
The way you wrote this makes it sound line you are extremely conflict avoidant and have the stress response to flee this uncomfortable situation rather than be brave and actually enforce boundaries,, which means making statements about what kind of treatment you will accept and removing yourself from any situation where you feel you arent being respected. You’re risking your husband’s relationships with his entire family for whay you’ve alluded to being just basic sideways comments rather than outright mean or cruel behavior that would warrant you being.. terrified of dealing with.
I cannot judge based on how little details you have given. Give some explanation of her behavior with details, specific situations, etc.