This involves me and two friends. We’ll call them M and J for anonymity. Basically, the issue is this:
M came into a large sum of money, and gave me a thousand dollars totally unprompted/unasked for to finish up a passion project of mine. I’ve been working on said project for three years, and it’s stalled because of money. By giving me this cash, she’s ensured I can finish most of it, and be able to do what I need to do with it. NOW. This project is a WANT. This isn’t something I NEED to survive or anything. Like I said, passion project. Just a pricy one.
My other friend, J, is in financial trouble. They’ve been in trouble before, and have had to ask others to help them bail out. They work full time, but between rent and just life in general (they’re also a single parent), money is tight. Their pet got sick and they had to put them down, and that sent them into the negative. We all know it’s hard to get out of a debt hole like that for sure, and now rent is due tomorrow and they need over a grand or face potential eviction.
The dilemma is probably pretty clear by this point. I’m sitting on a thousand dollars, and I could offer that over to cover their expenses. I’ve helped them before, and part of me feels SO GUILTY for keeping the money and not just giving it to them to help. It’s really tearing me up, because I really want to finish the project and M gave me the money SPECIFICALLY for that project. But I feel bad holding onto it for something frivolous when someone else needs it.
So….WIBTAH if I keep the money for myself and my project?
INFO:
What would M say once she found out you had passed the money on?
Have you considered asking for her opinion before deciding what to do with *your* money but which was a gift (loan?) from her for a specific purpose?
YWNBTA
M gave YOU this money knowing it was for a passion project. I don’t know if M knows J or anything, but if I gave money to a friend to finish a project I know they’re passionate about and that’s not moved forward due to money, I’d be really bummed out if I were to find out that money went to anything else besides a personal emergency (so YOUR emergency, if you had one). M couldn’t really fault you if you chose to use that money to cover an unforeseen emergency although I would still be a bit bummed out if I were M as I specifically gave the money for the project but obviously getting house flooding sorted or a sudden wasp infestation dealt with takes priority over a passion project.
But I would NOT understand if I’d find out you gave the money away to someone else, someone who might have a hard life but seems to also have failed to plan. A pet is a luxury and we all know they will eventually die or have to be put down for health reasons/suffering, so your friend doesn’t seem to have planned for it. If your friend faces eviction after one late rent payment, she’s already so far into the hole that your thousand Dollars won’t help her. Does she have “emergencies” a lot? Is she always struggling? Is the dad not contributing? Can you see any frivolous or luxury spending she does to kind of know that she often makes the wrong choices with the money she does have? There’s a few people I know (not friends) who never manage their money. Even if they inherit money, they don’t set it aside to use smartly, they spend it all and then are broke again in a few months. Money doesn’t help people like that.
If I gave my friend money to finish their passion project and I find out it’s going to some other person’s lack of planning/is a band aid on frivolous spending, I’d honestly be pissed.
NTA
You were given that money for a purpose, I dont think its fair to you or M or even J to just pass it along. If it really was one thing that would pull her out of the hole for good thatd be another story.
Have you mentioned this assistance youve gotten to your friend? I might just be pessimistic these days but its quite coincidental that the money you happen to come into would be just enough to keep them afloat.
What I would do is assist J in other ways. Help them look for a place, help with their finances, consolidate debts, organise payment plans, offer to babysit, make some meals for them, look into local services that’ll assist single parents. There are several things you can do that will help long-term before giving her another bandaid solution that doesnt deal with the cause of the problem which is living above her means.
NTA – It sounds like J is a deadbeat who is finically irresponsible and expects everyone to bail them out. You have 0 obligations to feed a leech. Use that money for yourself instead of wasting it on a loser.
This is a really harsh take on J. J works full time and is a single parent – poverty doesn’t make someone a loser. It’s not even clear from the OP that J has asked them for money, just that the OP is aware they need it.
I don’t think OP should give them the money but also don’t think we have enough info for this level of vitriol
NTA. You were given that gift for a specific reason. With that being said, I probably would still choose to help my friend out with at least some of the money. Do to others as you would like someone to do for you. It doesn’t have to be a gift maybe a loan to help out. It must be a difficult position to be in for her as a single mom.
YWNBTA if you kept the money. you WBTAH if you give the money that your friend gave to you specifically for your passion project to your other friend.
Are you ready to lose $1,000? Never see it again? Because if you are, give J the money and plan on it not being paid back even if she says it will. The reality is that she’s struggling and had to ask for money before so the odds of getting it back are going to be swallowed up by necessity in spite of her good intentions.
Where’s the father of J’s baby? Her family? Other friends? I know that she’s your friend but you’re not responsible for her. What has she done to get on top of her situation and make it manageable? Continuing to pull yourself up from drowning is an exhausting way to live and a longer term solution needs to be looked into.
YWNBTA for looking out for yourself.
If i gave you $1,000 to spend in a specific way, and i found out you gave it away, i’d be mad about that. Like I wouldn’t want to hang out with you or ever hear about your project or anything that would remind me of it.
Please don’t give it away. How do you think anything ever gets done? Not by giving it all away.
YWNBTA
I know it will feel hard to spend money on your passion project when your friend is struggling. It may be awkward if J can see you spending money on your project and wonder how you can afford it.
But the gift from M was specifically to help you complete your passion project. It’s not just a general gift of money for you to use for whatever different purposes you might consider.
Keep M’s money as strictly for your project. Live within your means with your own money. If that means you have – from your own income – no money, a little money, or a bit more of your own money that you are able/willing to share with J, then that’s the limit of what you can do to help J.
IMO the trouble with bailing people out is that they continually need help it is never just a one time situation and they never pay people back. It’s a harsh world and they need to learn to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate their income. Not everyone does get to live in the same neighborhood or drive the same cars or eat out the same amount of times a week. Some people have to live in the affordable housing section of town drive the beater cars and eat rice and beans or Ramen noodles.
YWNBTA. You should consider the $1,000 a conditional gift. M gave it to you to finish your passion project – you can’t give the money to someone else without damaging your relationship with M. I would be very upset if I gifted someone money for a project and they chose to give it away instead.